Suburban Psychotic

Flash mob sob...

2012-01-22T11:33:00.000-08:00

I was recently invited to be part of a flash mob, (I should clarify that I wasn't personally sought out for this flash mob, it was more of a general friend request from a friend of mine). Unfortunately, I had to decline for so many reasons, but it did peek my interest in flash mobs in general. I, have seen them on TV before like this one on Oprah or this one from Modern Family, but it wasn't until I had seen several that I finally took notice of the effect they have on me...
The really good ones make me cry... One of the reasons that I didn't initially notice was that my eyes tear up at a lot of things lately, but none are quite as consistent as the 'flash mob sob.' (sob is too strong a word really).
I am not sure why it happens to me, I want to believe it's because I am overwhelmed by the power people can have when they work as one. I'm always amazed when large groups of people unite for a common purpose, it ALWAYS gives me goosebumps. But flash mobs are more than that. It's a group of people who have come together, maybe to make a statement, or to put a smile on other's faces, or to inspire, or just for fun, but I'd be hard pressed to find a more joyful way to make time stand still, to force others to stop the business of life and just be in the moment and enjoy, for a brief time, the human experience. Onlookers almost always stop and watch and cheer, though I'm sure this is diminished with the number of flash mobs experienced by the audience members (but really what are the chances of experiencing multiple flash mobs?).
Obviously I find them to be a pretty powerful experience, so I guess it makes sense that they cause me to emote in such a way. Of all the things that don't evoke much response from me, I'd have to admit that I'm a little embarrassed that I react this way to a group of dancers. I'll just choose to believe my reaction is evidence of my deep connection to the human experience, to the power of a group to impact life in a positive way, to joy for the sole purpose of joy.
BUT, It's also possible that my reaction is a result of my inability to dance...
Either way, I'm adding "witness or participate in a flash mob" to my bucket list.

I love presents..

2011-12-27T04:05:00.000-08:00

No, really, I do. I mean, I REALLY love presents. Not just getting them either, I love giving them, wrapping them, receiving them, watching others give and receive them, etc. etc. I just love presents. One of the reasons I couldn't get into the holiday spirit this year was because I had decided, for many reasons, to simplify my life and give out only gift cards. I do credit this decision for saving my sanity, I needed things to be simple since I am THAT close to a mental break, but it still kinda deflated the whole joyfulness thing (although, I think the recipients of my gift cards were rather pleased).
Personally, I do enjoy the gift card, I like having the power to go choose the things I want for myself, but what I love even more is receiving something that someone else picked out just for me. Just knowing someone spent time thinking of something they thought I would like makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. Once I have been given a gift, I will always remember who gave it to me and I will think of that person when I am using/wearing/looking at the gift...(see I can be deep and meaningful)
I am sure I place too much importance on what a gift says about my relationship with the giver, but at least I acknowledge that! This year, however, my love affair with presents has left me a little befuddled. For the most part, the gift giving/receiving went as planned, and I got some very thoughtful gifts for which I am grateful, (I can't say the gifts I gave were thoughtful because although gift cards are many things, thoughtful is not one of them). But, at one of the family Christmas gift exchanges I attended, I received two gifts that left me scratching my head.
The first was a box of sugar-free chocolate covered almonds. To me, this gift says many things which are not limited too:
1. When we stopped at Walgreens, on the way here, this was all they had left.
2. Hey, you're so fat, we thought you could possibly be diabetic so we went with the sugar free.
3. We hate you.

The second gift I got was a pair of tarnished, silver earrings that look like giant insect wings. Maybe a dragonfly, I just don't know. This gift says so much, like:
1. Your face is so hideous I thought you could distract people with a giant pair of wings hanging from your ears.
2. I bought this for someone else, years ago, and forgot to give it to them, so SCORE for you.
3. I don't think enough of you to even try to hide the fact these earrings have been sitting in the back of a closet for years. The tarnish will come off easily and you will be so purdy.
4. This will look so good while you're petting your 32 cats.
5. I hate you.

I hate to seem ungrateful and there is a decent chance that no one saw the amused indifference on my face. I mean, a gift is a gift and I am happy just to be thought of...I'm just not sure I want to know what people are thinking when they think of me...
I guess I'll go drown myself in a box sugar-free chocolate covered almonds, I have some of those you know!!!!

Watching it go up in smoke...

2011-12-22T23:42:00.001-08:00

Well, Christmas is two days away, and honestly, it couldn't feel less like the holidays around here. I'm pretty much hating that other people are happy and joyful right now, and I'm hating myself for not being able to make it all ok for my kids. I hate that they may look back at this Christmas and remember nothing but SUCK!!!
What had happened was...
My husband has had a bad back for most of our relationship. His back will go out, and then it will get better. That is just the way it has been for the last 11 years or so. So, when his back went out this summer I really didn't get too concerned. The problem is that his back is still 'out' and it has been about 5 months.
Right before Thanksgiving, her decided to cash in his 3 months of short term disability to focus on physical therapy and try to get better. One of the great things about his job, and there are many great things, is the fabulous benefits. He gets 3 months of fully paid leave, then his pay goes down to 65%. The 65% thing is scary, but we could manage it for awhile...
He has seen SEVERAL doctors, neurologist, neurosurgeons, orthopedic surgeons and now a pain management Dr. and they have almost all said the same thing, patience and physical therapy. We recently went to a Dr. who is recommending ALIF surgery, also known as spinal fusion, on the two 'bad' discs he has. This is major scary surgery and we've had a 2nd opinion with a Dr. who thinks he should wait it out a bit, but my husband is fixated. He is thinking this surgery is going to 'fix' him. This is despite the fact that both the first opinion and 2nd opinion are telling him that there is no way to tell if it will be the fix or not. We don't even know if the insurance would pay for it, so it is possible that it may NEVER happen anyway...
The real problem is...
My husband is not working. There is also no way to predict when he will be able to get back to work. His job is only guaranteed for 6 months, after that they do not have to give him his spot back. If he continues with the PT he can go back as soon as he feels good enough. If he has the surgery it is at least a 3 month recoup. period. His drop dead date is May 11th. which seems so far off, but really it isn't. It is ironic because he found out he had the job on March 11. He began on April 11th, so it just seems appropriate that he could lose the job on May 11th.
Here's the thing...
He LOVES his job. It really defines him in a lot of ways. I cannot even make myself imagine him without it for sooooooo many reasons. First of all he makes good money. Money we depend on, money we have based major life decisions on money we NEED to get by. I know money isn't everything, but it is definitely something!!!! And the benefits, he could have comparable benefits if he stays in the same industry, but it scares me shitless to think we could lose everything this company does for our lives. I mean we pay $120/month for awesome health insurance for the entire family, who gets that???? It is a shift work job, but that really works for our family. My husband has so much more time with the kids than he would otherwise. He is so close with our 4 year old because they spend all his off days together, he's off 6 months out of the year... He's almost always available to go to their school or to get them in the afternoon, etc. etc. There are drawbacks to the shift work, but for us, the benefits far outweigh them.
When it comes down to it, I know that no job is more important than his health and happiness. I get that. I want him to feel good and be capable of the life he wants more than anything else, BUT I am SCARED. I am scared that we depend on his back to support us because I make less than half of what he makes, and now we may lose everything. There is no plan B. I can't stop crying and stressing and worrying. I watch his every move to see if he looks better or worse. I study his facial expression for any sign of hope that he is improving and on the days he isn't I can hardly take it. When I am clear headed I can rationalize that even if he loses this job, he is still very capable of finding another good one where he will be happy, assuming that he gets better...BUT what if he never gets better? Then what?

The "T" word.

2011-09-16T16:23:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if blogging about this is the right thing to do, but writing is how I process my thoughts and feelings, so read if you want and judge if it makes you feel better. This is real life, not some sugar coated version of things that I am hoping to remember later. If you can't handle that "X" out and don't come back.

My oldest son has been diagnosed with Tourette's. I won't get into the details, just because it is boring, but I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't devastated. I have cried everyday for over two weeks now (even before he was officially diagnosed, I knew). I want to help him, I want to make it better, I want to be able to crawl into his brain and flip the switch that makes him tic. I can't, and it KILLS me.
Apparently, his is a pretty mild case, but the future is unknown. I have spent many hours reading about Tourette's and though it does seem that once you have it it is there to stay, it also looks like, as you move through adolescence, it gradually gets better, for most people, and the tics become fewer and further between. The version of Tourette's, where people are randomly cursing or yelling out words is actually very rare, a fact I'm finding A LOT of comfort in.
I hate everything about this.
I hate that I know people will read this and be grateful it isn't them and their child. They will go and kiss and hug their tic free kids and thank god for their good fortune. I HATE them for that. If I believed in god I'd be so fucking pissed off at him right now. I don't want prayers or support or pity, I just want to rewind 3 weeks. To go back to the time before he started having all these crazy tics. This is so fucking unfair.
I want to be a rock of support for my child. I want him to feel loved and cherished. I want him to know that he has Tourette's but Tourette's DOES NOT have him. I want him to love himself. I'm so fucking scared that I do not have the right tools to help him deal with this. I am so disappointed in myself for the way I've reacted to the news. Of course, I haven't let him know I'm feeling this way. I am putting on a brave face for him, but he knows me well enough to know I'm sad.
I try to only cry when I am alone. Car rides are the worst, as soon as I get in the car by myself I just go ahead and put on my sunglasses because the tears are inevitable.
I have cried myself to sleep every night, if I wake up to pee, I cry myself to sleep again. I wish I could take his tics and give them to myself. I'm an adult with a solid self esteem, I could give a fuck what people think of me, why does this crap have to happen to a child who is entering the one of the hardest times in his life, junior high?!?!? It is so fucking UNFAIR.

I know I sound angry, I am. I can't release the feelings anywhere else but here on this blog. Feel free to judge my reaction, I really don't give a shit. I am feeling sorry for myself and my son. I'm sure one day I won't, but today is not that day.
I know this isn't the worst thing that could've happened to us, I get that. But that doesn't change the fact that it really, really sucks!

Enough Said.

2011-06-17T11:04:00.000-07:00

I know I have a tendency to reveal too much about myself, so in order to be discreet I'm not going to SAY much...

I just made the appointment.

I'm already a little nauseated.

But soon, what once looked like this:

Stop judging me, I'm German.

Will soon look like this:

Two more days....

Enough said.

I'm going to go vomit, repeatedly, now.

Edited to add: Okay, much to my surprise it wasn't THAT bad, I only said "motherf*cker" twice, and I never lost consciousness.

Welcome to my home, please fart in my kitchen.

2011-06-01T07:02:00.000-07:00

Ok, I realize I am lacking in the area of social skills, and I have suspected, occasionally, that I'm just a little autistic because there are so many social expectations and customs that I just. do. not. get! The unfortunate part for me is that other people see my lack of participation in these customs as a sign that I am a total bitch. Side Note: I am a total bitch, just not for this reason.
More to the point, we have been spending a lot of time with some friends of ours, here at our house. It is a beautiful relationship because they have 4 kids, all the perfect ages to get along with our three, and I get along with the wife and The hub gets along with the husband. We have even planned a vacation together this summer, and I'm so excited!! After spending a couple weekends together, swimming, eating and drinking (too much) the wife, we'll call her Eugenia, told me that I was rude for not ever offering her a drink when she comes over, she always has to get a one for herself.
Wait, what?
Eugenia went on to inform me that you're supposed to offer people a drink when they come over and I never do it, then she took it a little too far when she also mentioned that I don't have anything good to drink anyway (I guess that's neither here nor there, but I wanted to mention it to point out that I'm not the only rude person on the planet).
Of course I am aware that this drink thing is meant as a means to make guests feel more at home in your house, but why a drink?
Whenever I go to another person's house I don't get randomly thirsty upon crossing their threshold. A drink just seems so arbitrary? Why not ask them if they'd like to go flush the toilet or fart in the kitchen? Why is it a drink? I can think of about 10 other things I could offer my guests that could make them feel at home and are just as random as a drink.
* Come in, would you like to fold the towels?
* Hey there, would you like to use my pen?
* Can I offer you dryer sheet?
* Please come in, help yourself to some garlic powder.
* Would you like some paper to make an airplane with?
* Welcome to my home, would you like to sniff my laundry room?
* Come on in, see if you can find my dildo.
* Welcome, feel free to count the boogers on the wall next to my son's bed...
...ok, You get the point...
I know you're sitting there thinking "What the hell is wrong with this woman?!?!" and, well, if I could answer that I probably wouldn't have just written an entire blog post about how baffled I am about needing to offer someone a drink when they come to my house in order for them to NOT think I'm a rude bitch. Alas, I am flawed, and rude, and Eugenia (along with anyone else) is just going to have to get over it.

But, if you do ever come over to my house, please help yourself to a drink because I won't remember to offer you one, or you could just make it easy on all of us and just go fart in my kitchen.

Phew...

2011-05-04T16:50:00.000-07:00

So I DO NOT have a brain tumor :)
I am no longer deaf in my right ear either :)
I do have Cochlear Hydrops, and I still have to take a daily medicine to treat it :(
But it might not ever progress past that (aka, I might not start randomly falling down after all) :)
Just thought you should know!

8 Reasons I think Easter is lame.

2011-04-24T11:32:00.001-07:00

*I don't hate Jesus, I'm just not Christian.
*A bunny that hides eggs is STUPID, no bunnies hide anything at my house.
*I DO NOT need any unsolicited chocolate at my house.
*I don't eat ham.
*Deviled eggs are overrated, but I do love the irony of serving them at an Easter lunch;)
*I don't want to take leftovers home, my in-laws get offended by this.
*I have found it is better to lie and say that I do celebrate Easter than to tell people the truth. I mean really, is there anything better than someone trying to save me and my poor heathen children in the middle of the grocery store?
* I do NOT want to go to church with you, or you or you, and I'm tired of explaining why.

On the other hand, those cadbury mini-eggs are freaking fabulous, disregard the 8 bullet points above if that is the Easter you'd like to share with me.

Things to think about...

2011-04-22T19:08:00.000-07:00

I had an MRI of my brain today. I thought I would get claustrophobic, but I didn't.
It wasn't too bad.
It's a rather sobering experience when a doctor wants to check your brain for tumors and such. I'm not all that worried, but I'd be lying if I said that I haven't been pondering the possibilities....
I just want to live long enough to mother my children into adulthood and a brain tumor could get in the way of that.
I'm really not worried.
It is funny, though, how long it has taken me to get to know myself.
I just realized that when I worry, you know,the neurotic-all encompassing, stomach wrenching type of worry, it's usually when I have absolutely no reason to.
When I have cause for worry, I get this weird calm about me, I get all philosophical and, to be honest, kind of douchey.
See what a big person I am for being able to admit that about myself? Yeah, I'm impressed by that too.

Another thing I learned today...
Don't fart in an MRI machine when you still have 40 minutes of scan to sit through...

Kharma...

2011-04-02T09:07:00.000-07:00

I have a sick and twisted sense of humor, this is a fact about myself I've never tried to hide (not that I could if I wanted to). I laugh at inappropriate things, often in an otherwise quiet room. I say things that, I think, are hilarious, but other people find offensive. I crack myself up, while people stare at me with a blank expression. You get the point!
One of the things that I find totally hilarious is when someone falls down. I know I'm not alone in this, but I am one of the few people that lack the first, seemingly instinctual, reaction of finding out if the person is okay BEFORE I bend over laughing at them. I can't help it, if someone falls down (or even has a near miss) I'm probably going to laugh until I cry, fart or snort. The time I am most ashamed of was when I was starting a new teaching job (for principal bitchface) and I was attending all the new teacher orientations before the school year. For one of the trainings we had to ride a bus to another location, and, well, long story short, the lady directly behind me on the bus BUSTED HER ASS coming down the stairs to get off. My reaction was not Kosher and I did not make any friends that day, but it wasn't completely my fault since the lady made some really ridiculous groaning noises after her tumble. I'm pretty sure if I had tried not to laugh I would've stroked out right there. I did feel a twinge of guilt when she showed up the next day wearing some sort of ridiculous, fully-loaded, ankle-boot, but whatever!
The Kharma part is coming, just stay with me!
About 4 months ago, I got a sinus infection that moved to my ear. My ear just felt full and I couldn't hear anything out of it. I went to the Dr. a few times, trying to get my ear back to functional and, well, that has yet to happen. This week, I finally got serious and went to an ENT, not just any ENT, THE ENT in Houston. His report was not what I wanted to hear, I have sudden onset nerve deafness in my ear that is probably permanent. I can still hear most of the range of human voice, but I will have trouble hearing deep men's voices (this may be a benefit living in my house). Because I am young, and otherwise healthy, I have to do some tests to rule out all the big bad causes like tumors and such, there is a very low chance of these actually being the cause, (no, I'm not concerned).
And now for the Kharma...
What he thinks the diagnosis will end up being is something called cochlear hydrops which is often the beginning of Miniere's disease. Miniere's disease isn't fatal, but can be debilitating because of the sudden and intense episodes of vertigo which cause people to...

SUDDENLY...
AND UNEXPECTEDLY...
FALL DOWN!!!

SONOFABITCH

I'm hoping this is not the diagnosis, but looking at all the options, this one isn't the worst. The vertigo will go away eventually after something called "burn-out" which means total deafness in the ear. I just hope I'm not surrounded by people like me, when I randomly drop to the floor. Someone's gonna have to help me get back up....

Still here...

2011-03-02T15:01:00.000-08:00

I'm still here, just REALLY REALLY busy. So busy, in fact, that I keep thinking I should shut this "blog" down, but it isn't hurting anything sitting idle and sometimes I amuse myself by going back into old posts.
I do have ALOT to write about too, just no time to write or even process what is going on enough to form a coherent thought.

My birthday is tomorrow and I have to say I'm a little disappointed. For some (completely illogical reason) I thought 33 was going to be MY year. It wasn't. On a happy note, it looks like I should finish my degree in about 18 more months (or 2 years, whatever)! I'm pretty sure I still have a job for next school year AND my marriage, which was on the verge, is now better than ever! SOOOO Maybe 34 is MY year...Guess we'll see!

Nothing to say

2010-12-12T07:05:00.001-08:00

I haven't written in FOREVER, but really you should consider that a gift from me to you. I, honestly, have nothing to say! I could tell you about all the shit going down in my life right now, but if I did that I'm pretty sure this would be your last click over here. I mean do you really want to hear about how I have put the hubs on notice that if he didn't take a more active role in the holiday goings on of our house, it would, without exception be the last time we weren't taking turns having the children for the holidays??? Probably not... Or do you want to hear about what a terrible mother I am because I am to the point of not be able to stand my children while their father is gone, working 72 to 84 hours a week??? No, you say? Or how some really good friendships that I have had have now apparently morhped into some weird new thing that has no name??? I can't blame you I wouldn't either!?!? Or how my oldest son is being bullied for not believing in god, and how we had to have a come to jesus meeting (irony, I know) with some parents (and children) about the way they are allowing/instructing their children to treat him??? My eyes burn just thinking of it. Maybe you want to hear about how I diagnosed myself with advanced terminal melanoma, gave myself only weeks to live,and cried for 6 days until I could get in to see the dermatologist??? Well that story is a maybe!

10. set. hut.

2010-08-11T18:21:00.000-07:00

My oldest son is 9. He is so smart, he's a great conversationalist, he has superior looks (he does favor me but I'm totally objective in this opinion) and he can be so sweet and charming at will. He is also a bit quirky and occasionally socially awkward, but his greatest flaw is that he is about as coordinated as the left testicle of an encephalitic monkey. Parenting him is equal parts challenging, humbling, rewarding and exhausting.

We have tried, to no avail, to get him into sports, ANY sport.
His baseball coach was visibly perturbed by the fact that was he had to share air with him (we found out definitively that there IS crying in baseball),
His tumbling coach gave up and let him run around the gym during practice,
His one (free trial) karate lesson ended with him saying "this blows" right in front of the sensai.
We did have some luck in basketball, but there was more disdain on the court when number 9 was out there.
Needless to say, I was more than taken aback when my husband asked him over dinner, one evening, if he wanted to sign up for football. Aside from the fact that we had "agreed" not to let the boys play full tackle football until junior high, I was concerned about the harmful effects of his multiple, failed attempts to participate in a pyhsical, team sport. Especially one in which paralysis and head injuries are listed among the injuries which may be sustained in playing said sport. BUT I gave in, as I often do because I do want him to be healthy and active. Another consideration is the fact that he is big for his age and as strong as an ox, or Lenny from Of Mice and Men (choose your own simile here).

Fast Forward to his first practice. He hustled like we have NEVER seen him hustle before. The hubs and I were both overjoyed that he seemed to have found a sport that he liked and was willing to put effort into. He left the field smiling and happy and was excited to go back the next day. We practically fell over ourselves giving each other high five's.
The second practice, well it was different. They had to wear full pads which meant that they would be tackling. I put my faith in the coaches to teach my son proper techniques and form before throwing him out there, but I was soon educated on the fact that "that isn't how it is done in football." Ummmm Yeah. He had NO IDEA what to do, and these coaches were yelling at him, using terminology he'd never heard before and threatening laps for insubordination. When the hubs tried to tell me that that is the way to teach, I unleashed (mildly) due to the fact that I'm a teacher and I know better even if I don't know shit about football.
Why I thought this group of coaches, whose collective IQ probably still borders on low average and who seem to be dealing with some leftover frustration for never making it past the JV team in high school, would take the time to actually coach is really just beyond me.
Needless to say he HATES football now, but I'm hesitant to let him quit. I mean, life is hard, sometimes things are challenging. Learning a little tenacity could go a long way in shaping him as a man, but then again so could quadriplegia.

Glitter and Unicorns

2010-08-02T15:57:00.000-07:00

NO, not really. I just needed to prove (to my most loyal reader, the other 3 of you should take note)that I can make ANYTHING happen.

I still cannot sing...

2010-07-21T20:56:00.001-07:00

When I was in 3rd grade my mom told me I could "be anything (I) wanted to be" and I believed her. I wanted to be a singer, she encouraged it. I stayed up late for 4 nights in a row hand-writing 3 original songs in my blue, wide-ruled spiral notebook. I practiced in front of the mirror, I practiced in front of my mom. I believed I was on my way to the Mickey Mouse club (which is the starting point for all great singers). I just needed an in, MOM suggested Star-Search. Perfect! She was always so full of good suggestions. I made an audition tape to send to Ed, I was ready to go... THEN (dun dun dun duuuuuuun) I listened to the tape......
Mom Fucking lied to me.
I sounded like a tone deaf cat with a hormone imbalance....
I couldn't even listen to the first song in it's entirety.
It was too painful.

What if the doctoral program is the same thing?
What if I'm not really smart enough to be there?
What if I am smart enough, what the hell am I going to do with this gratuitous degree anyway?
I doubt myself, my abilities, my ambition and tenacity.
I need to listen to the tape to gauge my worthiness and chances of success.

I still cannot sing.

It's called 'psychotic' for a reason...

2010-07-13T15:35:00.000-07:00

I've been getting nailed for some of the things I said in my Marriage Cycle post, so I'm gonna clear a few things up.
First of all, it was a tongue in cheek post, if you couldn't see that then well, there is probably no hope for you anyway. I have no qualifications to dispense marriage advice except that I'm married, so what I say here means, nothing.

Secondly obviously there are exceptions, like if:

You have no children: Obviously a marriage without children is going to be an entirely different experience. I'm not saying it is any less of an experience, its just different. Sharing responsibility for not fucking up your kids is gonna change things, both for better and for worse sometimes...I'm sure I'd never leave phase 1 or 2 if the only things we argued about is where to eat dinner or where to take our next vacation.WHATEVER

You have been married a short time: My breaking point came at about 8 years. If you're sick of your spouse in the first few years of marriage then you should probably just run or brace yourself for a drinking problem.

You're delusional: If I know you well enough to have seen you experiencing a phase 3-4 moment and you are still telling me that you've never been out of 1 or 2...WHATEVER. Oh and btw, the phases are totally made up if you didn't already know that.

I knew a few people who disagreed with my post and, well, whatever, but when I was cornered by a 'friend' (who does not read this blog) in Target about how she was concerned about my marriage because she'd heard (since someone who does read the blog has been talking about me) that I'd discussed my issues in such a public way.(insert eye-roll and violent gagging here) I was more than a little bit annoyed. Especially since this person has the most fucked up marriage I've ever seen. Thankfully she is praying for me, so everything should improve soon.

It was a JOKE, yes I'm pissed at my husband for some assholish behavior, but I'm not going anywhere. I mean there are days when I dream of replacing him with an efficient landlord (to fix things) and a good vibrator (to, well, you know), but he does posses some redeeming qualities......(I'll cite examples when I can think of some)

When I am 34 (next year) I will have been with him for exactly half of my life, so yeah, shit hits the fan occasionally. I don't really think that means I need to be on your prayer list.

As far as discussing my issues here...check out the title of my blog, did you expect me to talk about rainbows and bunny rabbits?

Out of Context...

2010-07-05T17:47:00.000-07:00

We survived our mini-road trip and returned intact.
I thought I'd share some of the conversation that took place during the 'quality time' we spent together in the car, the hotel, the restaurants, my sister's house, etc, etc. Many of them are fart themed, but I do have 3 boys so is there really anything else to talk about?
You'll have to enjoy them without the context in which they were spoken, but that's mostly because further explanation would just highlight the depth of our insanity

1. "I'm a farting expert, just bust it out and come back to the table."

2. "What the hell is a 'dream tomato', Please tell me you didn't think this was a song about vegetables?"

3. "That hair is at least 4 inches away from the hole, WTF is that about???"

4. "Is this what beaver really tastes like?"

5. "I think I should just throw these away, that last fart had a little surprise with it."

6. "There really isn't anything I can do about your penis right this minute."

7."I will play the wiener song if you stay quiet while I'm on the phone."

8. "All I've eaten for 3 days is beans, staying 10 feet away from you isn't going to change anything."

9. "Girls can't wear their underwear 2 days in a row because their balls smell worse than ours."

10. "I don't like girls, I like you Mommy, I just don't like pretty girls"

If I was going to be a drummer....

2010-07-03T05:30:00.000-07:00

This is the one I would be. Watch the video, while you're there check out the rest of the blog. Hopefully I'm on the road by the time this is posted.

In search of the muchness

2010-07-02T18:05:00.001-07:00

I have to get out of this place, and as long as the weather cooperates I plan to do just that tomorrow. The boys and I are taking a (way too) short road trip to Austin to see my sister and her family. I really love road trips, even with a car full of boys who fart and fight and request pee stops way too often.
Maybe I'll come back with a few blog worthy stories to tell, or maybe I won't.

The Marriage Cycle

2010-07-01T05:31:00.000-07:00

When I was younger (as in way too young to be making life altering decisions) I could not wait to get married. I couldn't see any reason why being married would be a bad thing, why we wouldn't be able to weather any storm that came our way. Fast forward to live tv and I'm stuck in this 'WTF was I thinking' moment, hour, lifetime.

See I see marriage as a 5 point cycle that goes something like this:

1. I LOVE you and find you amusing.
2. I love you and you're okay to be around.
3. I like you but do not penetrate the 5 foot barrier
4. I tolerate you because divorce is expensive
5. Please, if there is a merciful god, swoop down here and get me OUT!

(the only part of the cycle that can be skipped is number 5, skipping any other point would result in complete annihilation of the human race and leave Earth uninhabitable to mammals, or maybe it would just indicate a need for a few sessions with a marriage and family therapist, whatever)

I've talked to several experts (aka people I know who are married (and authentic)) and they all agree because, well if they didn't agree, I would revoke their 'expert' status.

Finding yourself somewhere in this cycle at any given point in your married life is totally okay as long as you don't stay in one place too long. You must force yourself to move through the cycle, so you can get back to the good parts.

If you are one of those people who believes that you always stay at points 1 and 2 there are a couple things you should know.
1. You are a fucking liar.
2. People think you smell like cheese because, clearly, it oozes from your pores.
3. If you tell me about your marriage, I will not believe you, or I will think you are just too stupid to actually experience the full realm of human emotions, and I will be tempted to simultaneously punch you in the pancreas while ripping out your uvula.

Anyway, I think you might be able to see where I currently am in the marriage cycle. (#5 for the dumb readers) The same stupid fight, over and over and over. I told him I wanted to leave, I even looked for apartments. #1 better be right around the corner, or there may be trouble ahead.

On another note, I get to assist in a research project involving Ipads and the Houston Children's Museum. I'm really excited, maybe I'll blog about it.

Physical Perfection

2010-06-25T17:32:00.000-07:00

This video has been on Disney Channel for a few years. My middle child who is now six and has moved on to more, eh, mature cartoons like spongebob and chowder had forgotten all about this video. At one time he would stop whatever he was doing to come watch this song. I'd like to tell you it was because he has such an ear for music or an eye for dancing, but if you watch the video you'd find that hard to believe. No, he would watch any video with this girl in it and turn and say,

"Mommy I wish you looked like her."

"Uh, yeah son I'll uhhhh work on that."

This is the child that likes to critique my choice of clothes, jewelry and the way I am wearing (or not wearing) my makeup. He is also very concerned with his own appearance as well, he dresses himself and always makes sure to match, cleans all the dirt off his shoes, and we can spend forever making sure his baseball uniform is just right. (Yes these might be red flags, and I have to admit it puts a little joy in my heart at the thought of it, but I digress)

Anyway from the time he was 3.5 until about 5 years old he would remind me what exactly I should be aiming for in my physical appearance. Thin, long black hair, preferably of Latin decent, sharpie eyebrows and gaudy hoop earrings. Almost every time I would come up short, and he was usually ok with that. Occasionally I would have to reassure him that it is ok that his mom wasn't a hot Disney Channel train conductor, it wasn't the end of the world. At some point he grew out of his obsession with my looks, although he still gives me plenty of helpful advice to help in my pursuit of physical perfection.

Anyway, today this video happened to come on while he was in the room. He stopped, looked at me, looked back at the TV and said,

"Yeah, you still don't look like her. I guess that will never happen!"

And gave me the best look of condolence he could muster. It kinda reminded me of the way the judges on American idol look at the bat-shit crazy reject contestants that everyone likes to laugh at.

I'm such a let down to so many people, for so many reasons.

Gotta go, I've got an appointment with my eyebrow wax and a Sharpie.

A peek inside...

2010-06-24T07:18:00.000-07:00

My brain has this amazing ability to latch on to random information (while at the same time completely deleting all information about the locations of my keys and check card) that often makes me appear incoherent to the general population. See its this random information that guides many of my decisions and behaviors and then when I try to explain myself I end up sounding like I need a straight jacket. Instead of constantly trying to explain myself I figured I could create a reference post, so if you ever doubt my sanity you can come here to see that I am a completely rational person.

SO this is why:

I hate the beach, it makes complete sense to me that swimming in poo water would be ill advised.

I become OCD when I making pork, or chicken. It could kill you, literally.

I refused a CT scan when my 6 year old broke his nose. I really pissed the doctor and radiologists off, but seriously, I was totally justified.

I will always be fat. This is depressing and just makes me want to eat chocolate.

I'm pretty sure we will all die from skin cancer in the end anyways.

I don't think I'll ever be able to take my kids to India. Damn Monkeys ruin it for everyone.

I have so much guilt over eating cows. Why must they be so tasty?

I won't go to the circus. The elephants, think of the elephants.

I'm scared of granite counter tops. That's right, they are deadly and you will die.

I had to replace all my non-stick pots and pans. Food, its gonna kill you.

I won't heat anything up in a plastic container. If the food doesn't kill you, the packaging will.

I have a few more, but I'll save them for later. Have a fabulous day and try not to die.

My Future????

2010-06-22T14:54:00.000-07:00

I know this is old and everyone has seen it, but I can't help but think that this is what is in my near future.

Sibling Psychosis

2010-06-22T10:51:00.000-07:00

I grew up as an only child, even though I have 3 half brothers, 2 ex step siblings and 1 current step sibling, I'm not even going to mention the 3 biolgical half siblings that I have never met, but you get the point. I always refered to myself as a "lonely" child because I felt the absence of siblings so deeply and so often. I was so sure that I was missing out on something so wonderful, a permanent best friend, a partner in crime, the other half of my dynamic duo. Now that I am a mother to 3 brothers, I realize that I might have dodged a bullet by not having to share a roof with someone with a similar DNA profile.

My kids have mastered the art of fighting. I don't know if it should be labeled fighting as much as insanelyintensesuperfreakinannoyinggettingoneachothersandmylastnerves type of interactions. They are like ninjas, I never actually see the infractions I just get to feel the effects of them.

I swear to you that I have had to ban each of them from making eye-contact with the other two.

I have had to draw an invisible line in the car that none of them is allowed to cross, any infraction is met with a glitch in the matrix so devestating that life as we know it cannot exist.

The middle child can inhale in such a way that it sends the others into complete hysterics, the oldest has this screechy sound that he makes wich sends both the others into meltdown. The youngest is 3 and, well, that says enough right there.

They also know how to touch or move something in each other's rooms just enough to piss the other one off. Then I get the ever recognizable, "Mooooooom" alert that a wrongdoing has taken place.

My 6 year old called my 9 year old an asshole the other day, and well, he was right, but I had to be a good mom and punish him for the colorful use of language (probably not as harshly as an actual 'good mom' would have). I have to say I was glad he said it though, because someone needed to.

The situation is further exacerbated by the fact that the 9 year old does not have a door to his room. He lost it in a filibuster-style door slamming campaign in 2007. This leaves all of his posessions at the mercy of his 3 year old brother and the dog, who is not allowed upstairs.

I'm pretty sure one of us is going to end up mamed, psychologically damaged or a with a serious drinking problem, from all this sibling togetherness this Summer.

Duck Face (with lyrics)

2010-06-21T10:54:00.000-07:00

I posted this to my facebook page, but it makes me laugh so I'm putting it here too.

Pan-uh-cakes

2010-06-21T06:42:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: I'm pretty sure this post is a result of PMS (other signs include a deep and fierce loathing for my husband, and farts that make the dog beg to go outside)

I have been working out like a maniac and eating "right" for the last 9 days. (My snoring has almost been eliminated, the only exception is the night I had one beer, which apparently sent me into sexy truck-driver mode for the rest of the night).
In the spirit of full disclosure, I did fall off the wagon while we watched Toy Story 3 last Friday, popcorn with milk-duds are a gift sent to me from heaven, it would be blasphemy to say no to them.
Despite my amazingly long commitment to healthy living, this morning, all I can think about are pancakes, fluffy, buttery, syrupy pancakes. I think if I had some right now I could reach a point of bliss never before seen from this vantage point. All good decisions be damned, I'm sorry to the Women Food and God author, I know that I am engaging in a compulsive behavior. I know I should take a moment to be present and to feel whatever it is I am trying to stifle with pancakes, but we are dealing with a force greater than all of us, PANCAKES!!!!
I know I should be strong, I should drink the protein shake that is sitting on the counter, BUT I really, truly believe that Pancakes are my destiny this morning, and really, who am I to interfere that???

footnote: have you ever met a skinny person who talks about food like this? me thinks not!

finishEd.D ?

2010-06-17T16:33:00.000-07:00

Scaling back on my school hours may have been a mistake, or maybe it wasn't, I dunno. I need to be working on/finishing up my candidacy paper this summer, but I cannot seem to get motivated. Now all I can do is think of all the reasons why I don't want to go back to school, EVER.

1. I can't see what difference finishing up the doctoral program is going to make in my life. There would be more possibilities open to me, but I need to be mobile in order for that to be a reality. The hubs doesn't want to move, EVER, so .....?

2. I can't even answer the question, "so what are you gonna do with your doctorate?" mostly because I have NO IDEA.

3. Everyone else in the program just seems so much smarter, driven and more connected than I am, I feel like a fish out of water when I am around some of those people.

On the other hand, I am 30 hours into the program, and once I get my candidacy paper done, I'll be so painfully close to finishing. I've never quit a degree program, EVER, and I'm bored. I'm pretty sure I'll be back in school in the Fall, I just don't if I'll have a good reason why!!!

ZZZZZZZZZ

2010-06-13T22:54:00.000-07:00

Well don't tell anybody but, apparently, allegedly (well not really allegedly since I have proof, but WHATEVER), I have started snoring....No big deal right????? WRONG. It totally grosses me out and embarrasses me (in front of whom I dunno). There are SOOOOOOOOOO many other things I'd rather do in my sleep like fart or masturbate or cluck like a freakin chicken, but snoring is for fat old guys with hair in their ears and socks that hit at mid-calf.
I know it's because of the fatness, its true, snoring is a symptom of being overweight. I would put a link here to prove it to, but you can google it yourself.....
Everyday I wake up and ask the hubs if I snored and the answer is always yes.
Some days I don't even have to ask because I remember several occasions of being poked or prodded to stop the offense.
Some nights when the hubs is not here, I record myself on my trusty iPhone to see if I engaged in this disgusting habit (I guess it isn't really a habit). Talk about gross and creepy, listen to a recording of yourself making a throat curdling, guttural sound while you were unconscious and see if you don't want to poke sharp things up your nose and slap yourself in the face. YUCK.
On the bright side, I have been sticking to an exercise plan ever since the snoring became a nightly event. My ass has been huge for a decade, my double chin has hung around for at least that long too, I've been shopping at the big girl store for 8 years, but none of that has motivated me to stick with any sort of weight loss program. Snoring, on the other hand, now I can't live with that. I'm obsessed to the point of insomnia. I'm typing this at 1:08 am because I can't sleep because I keep trying to catch myself in the act because snoring is so disgusting and vile and I refuse to participate. (so its a run-on, deal).
We'll see if I can nip this little problem in the bud, but until then I'll just engage in more self loathing over involuntary behaviors.

I thought about you today

2010-05-25T20:22:00.000-07:00

I thought about you today
for a moment I couldn't remember if you were ever really here.
I HATE that I can't begin to comprehend the world with you in it
would the pillows be as soft
would the thunder be as loud
would I smile more or less
if things had been different?

Thinking about you feels like a betrayal to a boy
the one who sleeps in the room that would have been yours
Not thinking of you feels like a betrayal
only to me...

I give you my sadness
my loss of control
you taught me surrender and how to let go
so now all the things that should hurt me just fall to the floor

I draw strength from knowing that I survived you, BUT
it feels convoluted because you were never here

it has been four years
I still lose my breath when you creep up from the back of my mind
everyday you slip through the tiniest of cracks
it isn't fair
I can't change anything
I can't make you go away
No amount of anything will change the outcome
I can't hold you
or watch you play sports
or kiss your cheek while you sleep
I can't even talk about you out loud
all I can do is remember all the things you'll never be
and what I'll never be for you
and that doesn't seem fair
but I thought you should know that
I thought about you today

Top 7 Reasons why this weekend sucked balls...

2010-05-02T20:25:00.000-07:00

I'm only doing 7 because 10 just feels whiny and a bit overdone....

7) Prolonged and in depth conversations about mushroom stamps. (I'm not even gonna link to the definition of this, google it for yourself)

6) 2 hours of sleep on Sat. night....bleh

5). A big party, that I'd even secured childcare to attend and I didn't feel well enough to drink or enjoy myself at all.

4) My newly neutered dog is having a ball sac problem, for which I am now taking 1/2 a day off work to find out how serious it is or isn't...(this will probably be it's own post soon, stay tuned)

3) My PC is dying a slow and painful death....

2) Drama, damaged relationships, and scared children...This WILL be its own post once I wrap my head around it.

1) Possibly, worst of all...My dumb ass DVR hasn't been recording any of my shows and I just figured it out Sat. night (see #6)

I know one day I'll be happy to have problems as simple and easily repaired as these, but for now....this weekend can SUCK IT.

Dear 20 year old me,

2010-04-22T19:48:00.000-07:00

I know you think you know everything, and well you are pretty smart, but there are some things that I wish you knew:

* For starters, slow the fuck down, life is not a race. I think in your rush to prove to everyone that you are everything they thought you were, you forgot to live. This is IT, today, right now, if you aren't in it for this moment, then you FAIL.

* Enough with the 5 and 10 year life plans, goals are great to have, but not if they are the only things you have.

* Make mistakes, please please make mistakes and stop worrying about it, life is just more fun that way.

* There is no such thing as THE ONE. There is no love so destined to be that life will crumble if it doesn't work out. Relax it will be what it will be.

* Trust your instincts, they will be right more often than not

* Stop faking orgasms, seriously STOP IT, STUPID.

* Your boobs will NEVER be perfect, just say no to the implant (its gonna pop in like 2 years anyway)

* Motherhood will not come as naturally to you as you are expecting, but that is okay.

* You will get fat, but it won't be the big catastrophe that you're expecting...and your cellulite will still be minimal.

* Learn to recognize when a guy is hitting on you, if you don't you are going to, unwittingly, shut some interested parties out of your life.

* Don't pretend to be someone you're not, it will never make you happy.

* Don't be afraid to acknowledge the people who are holding you back, once you insert some distance there, you are going to learn more about yourself.

* Learn to embrace the awkward silence it will never go away.

* Self-doubt is an enemy that must be terminated.

* Your future step-sister...I know you think she is annoying and a bit delinquent, but she is gonna become one of your best friends...Really, it's true.

* Take pictures, don't be lazy about this or you'll be sorry.

* It will get easier to find shoes in your size, just be patient.

* You will be more comfortable in your own skin as you get older, until then fake the confidence that you are lacking.

* The friendships that you feel like you don't have right now, will come to you once you start to see people for who they really are. People do have so much more to offer than you realize.

* Some people just don't like you because you don't care that they don't like you. It isn't as confusing as you think it is.

* Learn to say those 3 little words..."I don't know"

* There will come a day when bald is the way of the beaver, stay strong...the bush will come back or at least I'm hopeful that it will....

Easter Shmeaster

2010-04-02T15:18:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't posted since January. what can I say I am a SLACKER! Well the truth is that I write blog posts all the time and just never hit the "publish" button. I have no explanation for this other than my blogger-superego which warns me not to publish, is far more powerful than my blogger-id which drives what I write.... Maybe there is a pill for that...I dunno.

Anyway, so it is almost Easter and you will be shocked to know that we have never celebrated this holiday in my house. I've gone to my mom's or mother-in-law's for ham (which I don't really eat), but as far as egg hunts I can say that I have NEVER hidden any eggs for my kids. (In the spirit of full disclosure you should know that we have gone to 2 different egg hunts when my oldest was little and my neighbors have hidden eggs in my yard on occasion because they are aghast about my neglectful parenting, but whatever.) There are probably a few reasons for this, not the least of which is the fact that I am an atheist and I have never really been able to over come the hypocrisy of me celebrating such a deeply religious holiday. It should be noted that I am totally ok with the same hypocrisy at X-mas, we all know its been totally secularized, and, well, there are presents involved! Anyhoos, though I am an atheist, I make every effort to encourage my children to explore and develop their own belief systems. I have never told any of them (in as many words) that I don't believe in a "supreme being" because I don't want to prejudice their views on the subject. All that said, when my 6 year old came to me and basically demanded an egg hunt on Easter, I panicked... My first thought was, Holy shit (ah the irony) he's been brainwashed, how the hell (again, irony) am I going to, convincingly, explain the celebration of 'Jesus rising from the dead on the 3rd day' so that he keep an open mind and not feel burdened by my disbelief. I told my teaching partner about my dilemma and she just looked at me like I'd ask her to take a dump in my hand, which, for her, is very unusual. After removing the judgement from her face, she explained to me that it was most probable that he just wanted the candy and not a sermon.......OF COURSE! Sometimes I am an even bigger idiot than should be possible, here I am, sure that I will now be sending the kid off to seminary when all he really wants is a chocolate fix...

Now, that we've settled that, there is a bigger issue on the horizon....

I've eaten at least half the candy that I purchased to put inside the eggs.

Do you think he'll be happy with a few jelly beans and some empty Twix and Reese's wrappers in side his eggs????
I mean, finding the eggs is most of the fun....right?

I will be posting on my resolutions soon (keeping in mind that 'soon' is a relative term)..

Happy Easter?

$1162.89

2010-01-31T16:21:00.000-08:00

That is how much money we spent going out to eat last month....

I'm literally sickened by this.

I can't even think about all the, healthier, more responsible things we could have done with that money...

We don't have the kind of income that supports that much gluttony.....

Restaurants are tasty little dens of pure evil!

The culture in this house is about to get shocked!!!!!!!!!

Don't Drink and Blog

2010-01-30T17:16:00.001-08:00

Um, Yeah so I just went out to dinner with my parents and had WAYYYYYYYY too much wine, now I'm home and I have no good way to put this nice buzz to use, so I thought it would be fun to do a drunken blog..though it may be more fun for me to write it than it will be for you to read. (And just for good measure I've opened another beer so sobriety doesn't interfere with my creative process) IS it "wine before beer in the clear" God I hope so!. So without further ado (holy shit there is a word I can't spell is it adu, adew or ado? WTF you get the point) here is a list of random (and unorganized) thoughts that I'd never write if I were sober.....

Don't you hate it when people write "teh" for "the". When I see people do that I automatically assume they are a careless idiot, until of course it is my typo, in which case it is totally forgivable.....Yes, yes I am that big of a judgemental , hypocritical (I had to think for a second if that would be Hippocratic) bitch...

I sneeze when I eat too much, seriously WTF is up with that?

I'm considering starting a petition to eliminate the "insert" button from the computer. I mean really, who makes a mistake that is EXACTLY as many text characters as the word or phrase they originally intended to write???? Yeah see that is what I thought.

I was NEVER meant to live in a world where landing strips and Brazilian waxes were the socially accepted norm....NEVER.

At least 30% of my facebook friends are complete and total douche bags, but I am interested in their drama so I don't "unfriend" them.

I was adopted by my dad (when I was four), he has always been my dad, but my brothers refer to me as their "step sister" and it really really pisses me off.

One time my husband wanted me to see a doctor about my "gas issues." I never did...

When I walk into a room I automatically size people up to see who is smarter than me and who is not, then I try to stay away from the ones who are not.

I had a lap dance at a totally nude club once, she made me smack her ass, it felt dirty (literally). Before that I always assumed I could be bisexual....afterwards I decided....not so much!

It never ceases to amaze me that (some) people of faith can be so judgemental about atheists, I've lost friendships over my "godlessness" even though I am genuinely a good person. For some people in my life a feigned belief in god is better than honesty....WHATEVER!

I hate pictures of kids with food on their faces, it makes me gag. I don't see anything cute about it.

I think I was born without the instinct to want to hold other people's babies....I never do.

The grossest kiss I have ever seen occurred between an unnamed friend and an English guy, in a cemetery in Brighton. (thinking about it just now made me laugh out loud).

The first time I ever saw a penis was in a Playgirl that I found in the children's section of a bookstore. I hid the mag inside a huge book about KoKo the sign-language ape. I think I was truly terrified by what I saw...I was 9!

I had no idea what a vagina was until I snooped through my (ex)(yes I've had more than 1) step-dad's closet, found a video labeled "XXX" and watched it....even more terrifying than the previous thought.

I live in an uber conservative, ball-suck suburb, I totally blame the hubs for that. A mid-town loft is more my style.

I've always wanted to get a doctorate, but I wasn't motivated to start the program until someone I know decided to go for a Master's degree and I knew I could not handle having the same level of education as someone I perceived to be a complete, drooling moron. (on the same note, this person never actually pursued the Master's degree, guess the joke is on me).

The hubs thinks he is getting lucky tonight, but I plan to be asleep before he gets out of the shower......

and that is THAT!

40 X 40

2010-01-16T17:58:00.000-08:00

Here is the long awaited, much anguished over, 40 things I want to see, do, or accomplish by the age of 40. I'm not sure how feasible doing all 40 things actually is, since some might negate others, but I'll do my best.

40 X 40 (in no particular order, * are the ones I plan to accomplish this year, Green = In Progress)

1. Visit Australia

2. Finally lose the weight (and maintain it)*

3. Get Published, (any publishing credit will do here)*

4.Run a 5k (actually run it, competitively)*

5. Visit Canada

6. Go see Mount Rushmore

7. Take a zipline tour (I've ziplined, but never on one of these tours) (and I stole this idea because it is a good one)

8. Finish the Ed.D.

9. Run a 10 K*

10. Run a 1/2 Marathon

11. Run a full marathon

12. Get my Master Reading Teacher Certification

13. Go to NYC

14. Visit California (preferably here or here)

15. Go Camping in the Grand Canyon, donkey ride and all (seen it from the top twice, but never from the bottom)

16. Visit the Smithsonian

17. Go Zorbing

18. Pay off all Credit Card Debt

19. Pay off the House (not sure how I will do this with all the travel I have planned)

20. Spend a Thanksgiving (or two) volunteering.

21. Visit Seattle

22. Visit Alaska (might be able to mark 21 and 22 off with one trip)

23. Throw a surprise party for someone.

24. Learn another Language (most likely Spanish)

25. Have an all out spa day

26. Build THE closet (#4 is most like what I want)

27. Take a pottery class (you know with the wheel and all)

28. Visit the Ozarks

29. Have a totally organic raised bed garden

30.Build a fort in the backyard*

31. Add a bathroom on the down stairs (we NEED a guest bathroom down here)

32. Kitchen reno, (I swear some dorm rooms have bigger kitchens than I do)

33. wind tunneling

34. Trapeze School

35. Anonymously buy someone's dinner (like choose a random family at a restaurant and pay for their meal)

36. Take a Wine Tasting Class

37. Wear a bathing suit in public (Making #'s 38 and 2 a prerequisite)

38. ELECTROLYSIS (I'm of German decent and that is all I will say)

39. Become a Child Advocate

40. Visit Europe (with the kids this time)

And there you have it, a list (comprised mostly of travel, ambitions and personal dares) that I will work towards until MARCH 3, 2017

Nothing says 'I love you' like roses from Wal-Mart

2010-01-16T13:22:00.001-08:00

Today is my 11 year wedding anniversary. I can't spend much time with the hubs today because of his work schedule, but I am totally okay with that. After 11 years of being married I am more than happy to have a few evenings alone on the couch, even if it falls on my anniversary. Typically we don't buy each other gifts due to this date's close proximity to Christmas. We are often too gun shy with the cash to do anything big. Occasionally we go to my favorite place for a nice dinner, but since I am trying to be mostly meatless now even that is not going to happen. sigh.

Despite our lackluster idea of celebration I did wake up to a dozen roses and a very sweet card. I mean nothing says "hey guess what, we've been married for 11 years" like a dozen roses from the wal-mart. Despite my extreme and deep loathing of all things wal-mart, I will accept tokens of affection purchased from the depths of Hell.

Really it didn't matter to me what he bought or where he bought it, the fact that the man still loves me so unconditionally makes me wax sentimental. Seriously, I'm a terrible wife, prone to sweeping periods of depression, and sporadic weight gain, I go on manic kicks of (insert current project here) that I completely expect everyone to cater to, I bitch non-stop about the ridiculous amount of laundry produced by my cohabitant and offspring, I say yes when I mean no, and no when I mean yes, I occasionally wonder (out-loud) what might have been if I had in fact chosen door number two so many years ago, my ambitions and expectations have changed more than I care to admit, I have nontraditional views on marriage and monogamy, and often I respond to "I Love You" with "thank you" at least 3 times more than the obvious "I Love You Too." Yet he is still here, keeping me in check, humoring me with lengthy conversations, shrugging off any outburst or tirade with an "are you done now?" calling me out when he can tell that I think I'm above whatever situation I am in, and really, truly not giving a second thought to my sub-par physique.
I am lucky, I know that I am.
Despite all my flaws, I still got a card today that said "I have loved you for 15 years, and I will love you for the rest of my life" and to that I say, "Thank you."

7 on 7 (really on 9)

2010-01-09T04:07:00.000-08:00

As promised (mostly to myself) I'm reporting my progress on achieving my resolutions. Last night I was reminded, by my 8 year old that "last year we all made resolutions, and never thought about them again." Yes kid, I know I'm a failure as a mom, got it!
Any way, here's just a quick update (I mean because really, it has only been a week).
1. Healthy BMI...I joined a biggest Loser competition at work, we'll see how that goes.
2. Take better care of my health...This is really boring, but I do have a check-up scheduled for the 20th of this month.
3. Pay off debt, well we are working on this. I put us on a budget, and have a lot of money going into savings to be put on our debt at the end of each month. This month, however, it will all be going to pay our property taxes and for some emergency plumbing and pool repairs.
4. Take care of my relationships, not yet addressed....
5. Run in competitive races...I have been training with my neighbor for our first 5k of this year (mar. 6)
6. Acknowledge B-days....(happy birthday if today is your day)....check
7. Get organized....I have been working on this, but since I'm the only person in the house that thinks this is important, it is an uphill battle. I"m seriously considering asking for a consultation with a professional organizer as one of my birthday gifts.

As for the 40 before 40, I'm still working on that, it's harder than you might think!

Resolution Review

2010-01-08T03:50:00.000-08:00

Will post later! I was up late watching the game, you know the one where Colt McCoy pussed out, and Alabama beat the true freshmen, 2nd string quarterback! Will update on my resolutions (all 7 days of them) this afternoon.

Resolutions....UGH

2010-01-01T05:34:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'm doing this, AGAIN. The resolutions I've come up with are not very original (at least according to USA.gov, but .....whatever!) I'm trying to put them in positive terms e.g "I will" instead of "I won't" I"m not really sure why other than it seems like the thing to do.
So here goes.

I will:
1. Finally get down to a healthy BMI. Which will probably mean losing at least 50 pounds, but I guess I won't really know until I get there.

2. Take better care of my health via, cholesterol checks, dental exams, and get a physical (not just the v-jay checkup).

3. Pay off at least $25,000 of our debt (this requires some cooperation from the Hub, but he says he is on board)

4. Take care of my relationships, e.g. return phone calls, make an effort to spend time with the people that I have lost touch with. Yes you, you know who you are.

5. Run (not walk) in at least 3 competitive races, one of which will be a 10 K. (this one is a repeat of last year, which was a FAIL for me)

6. Acknowledge birthdays and important dates for the people in my life (I'm stealing this one from Monike)

7. Get organized (I may be genetically predisposed to disorganization)

and that's it. 7 is A lot of resolutions for someone who never sticks to anything, but if you notice many of them are interconnected , so sticking to one will help achieve some of the others. Also, I will update my progress (or *ahem* lack thereof) on these resolutions on the 7th of every month. Even if I am failing miserably, I'm still gonna fess up.

I'm also working on a list of 40 things I want to accomplish before I'm 40, and those will take the place of new year's resolutions for the next 7 or so years! I'll post them soon.

HAPPY 2010!

Eat my Meat

2009-12-31T08:58:00.000-08:00

Be forewarned that this post is not so exciting!

Okay so I "gave up " meat for the month of December (except for the 1/2 piece of bacon I had on 12/26 and the Quarter pounder I ordered from McDonald's on 12/27 without even thinking, but I'm choosing not to count either of those transgressions) and it wasn't really all that hard. I have never been a big meat eater, though I really LOVE fajitas and chick-fil-a (just not at the same time). I even spent a couple years in college living in a vegetarian (among other things) co-op, which is where I really learned to love cooking, so giving up meat isn't really all that big of a sacrifice for me. Having said all that, I don't know that I will be able to fully commit to a meatless life right away because I'm just not good enough with food to know how to go completely without it.

Some of my hangups are, going out to eat and finding easy and tasty sources of meatless lean protein.

Starting with the former, we go out to eat WAYYYYYYYYY too much. If I'm being honest I bet I eat about 15 meals a week from restaurants (mostly breakfast from Starbucks, lunch from various sources and an occasional dinner out). A lot of restaurants do have vegetarian options, but they are so greasy and cheesy and otherwise chock full o' fat that I think I'd just rather order a chicken breast and get it over with. Assuming I am going to stick to my New year's resolutions (which I will post later) my going out to eat should drastically reduce almost immediately. It is a big assumption considering 2009's resolution FAIL, but I'll think positive......for once.

Now to the latter, finding sources of lean protein. Another of my new year's resolutions will have to do with my diet (an original concept I know) so I do need to focus on finding meat alternatives. I'm not super keen on filling my diet full of soy products, though I will eat some. From what I can tell the jury is still out on the risk/benefit analysis of soy consumption, so I don't want to go crazy with the tofu and soy meats. I know there are other, meat free sources of lean protein, but I need to do some research to learn how to incorporate them into my diet. I do think I will end up eating chicken a few times a week until I can come up with something better.

As to the reasons why I'm trying to go meat free, well there are a few of those...
1. Reducing meat consumption is an easy way to go green, assuming you can replace meat with less carbon-costly foods. This is my weakest reason, I know, but a reason nonetheless.

2. I guess I've jumped on the Pollan band wagon (In defense of food, The Omnivore's Dilemma, and Food Inc.) and have learned a little too much about the meat industry, and the way the animals and workers are treated to continue, to eat meat with reckless abandon. (yes, reckless abandon is how I approach most eating endeavors)

3. Possibly most important to me, I like the way removing meat from my diet, reduces my food options. I really like food and rarely limit myself to eating only what I need for sustenance, so choosing to go meatless most of the time helps me to stop and really think about what I am eating.

And there you have it... Resolutions to come.

The Week of Suck & Resolutions

2009-12-29T17:42:00.000-08:00

Welcome to The Week of Suck, Dec 26- Dec 31, No it doesn't mean what my husband wishes it did, but rather, it's quite possibly the worst week of the entire year because everything, well, sucks.
Christmas is over, and even if you weren't let down by lame gifts, whiny kids and asshole relatives, the exhale from all the Christmas anticipation is rather high on the suck list. Add to that the fake merriment of the impending new year, which I'm sorry, is just a lot of fuss over nothing in particular, and the upcoming month of January with weather that is mostly crappy and cold and you have a recipe for a pretty crappy few days.
Rather high my list of reason why the week after Xmas sucks is all the talk of new year's resolutions. I mean really, goals that begin on some symbolic date that we have senselessly attached way too much meaning to, are no more accomplishable (did I just make up a word?) than goals that begin on any other arbitrary date. Why are so many of us so willing to subscribe to such a stupid ritual??? Well I don't have the answer to that, but I'm sure if you go back 12 months on this blog you will see that I set some resolutions this past Jan. and well, since I can't even remember what they were I guess I don't have to tell you how successful I was in achieving them..... Maybe I'm bitter, maybe I am using sarcasm to hide the disappointment I feel about not achieving the goals I set for myself, maybe I'm getting crotchety in my old age, or maybe I'm just practical and straightforward about my own participation in something that I see as pointless.
Nevertheless, I will once again attempt to, try to, resolve to make changes in myself, if not for any other reason that to try to participate more fully in this human experience....
As for what my resolutions will be, well I'll have to get back to you on that one, but rest assured, I will.... I know you will be on the edge of your seat until then.

oops!

2009-08-11T18:42:00.000-07:00

So I started my new job yesterday, somehow I think I didn't exactly make the best first impression, although I'm sure many of my new "friends" aren't likely to forget me.
To give a little back ground, over the last few years I've developed a "nervous stomach" which means that I'm basically a gastronomical bio hazard when I get stressed. On top of that, last Sat. night I drank ENTIRELY too much beer, which often leads to what we so lovingly refer to as "the beer shits"!
So just in case you missed it , Stress=an urgent bad poo, beer=a really bad poo.
I can't say that my first day was stressful, but I guess my colon hadn't gotten the message that everything was gonna be okay. About 2 hours or so into my first training I decided it was a good time to sneak into the restroom to drop a quick deuce (sorry there is just NO WAY to say that politely). Of course my colon took this opportunity to seek its revenge on me for my weekend's overindulgence and what followed was quite possibly the most vile bathroom experience of my life. Lucky for me the instructor decided to call a break time for the entire meeting which led to a crowd control situation in the ladies room. Yes, the room I'd just filled with a dense green fog despite my frenzied attempts at courtesy flushes. I was stuck, everyone saw me leave the meeting and head to the restroom, I knew everyone could smell what I'd been up to. Really I just wanted to die, but with a line forming outside the stalls and no magical cloaking device at the ready, I had no choice but to unlatch the stall door and commence the walk of shame to the sinks. I avoided eye contact at all costs and went to sit back down in the meeting room, only to find out that my section of the training was over and I was free to go home.

My Ex-New BFF!

2009-08-02T18:22:00.001-07:00

So I lied a few posts ago when I said my next post would be about my new best friend (who I met at Walmart). Mostly because I just forgot, see what a good best friend I am?

Anyway..... So I went to Walmart a couple weeks ago, which is something I rarely do because I LOATHE Walmart and anyone who shops there. I can't even remember what compelled me to go there, but whatever. As I walked down one of the aisles this really pretty lady came up to me with the original "Wow three boys!" comment. I gave her my standard, "yep, lucky me" response and planned to move on so I could quickly remove myself from the filth pit some people call a store. She kept talking to me, asking me if I ever sleep, if I'm always tired, how I do it, etc. etc. I'm not one to shy away from someone giving me props for living my daily life so I was being nice. I hadn't found her annoying yet.
At one point I began to wonder if this is how people make friends. I probably should give a little background in my social abilities....I have none. I have literally never made a new friend that wasn't someone who wasn't forced to be near me due to some other circumstance, school, work, neighborhood, etc. I occasionally win someone over after they've exhausted all their escape options, but this lady, she was interested in me. I wasn't even trying that hard and she was still talking. Maybe this is what popular people feel like, people just stopping them and asking to be their friend. Yes I could get used to this. I started to engage in a hazy dream sequence about how, 20 years from now, we'd tell our kids how we just bumped into each other at Walmart and had been best friends ever since. But, just as we were skipping through a field of daisies together, my fantasies were rudely interrupted, by my new potential bff.
"So are you married to teaching?"
wait,

WHAT?

Seriously?

If she was gonna be my bff she needed to listen a little better and get used to my bitchy sarcasm, "well since, as I told you, I'm about 1/3 of the way through a doctorate in the field, I'd say, yep I'm pretty married to it!"

"Oh, I see, have you ever thought about keeping your options open?"

"what?"

"Well I've met a lot of teachers who are also looking for a way to make extra money"

"well I'm not exactly a sales person, and the only sales party I'd be willing to have is a Passion party", and that would be for the free dildo's, and really how many dildos can one person have?

"no no that isn't what I meant. I'm in the financial industry and the teachers I've recruited do really well once they are up and going."

I told her I wasn't interested between quite sobs of grief, she didn't want to be my friend, she needed someone below her on the pyramid. She then asked for my cell number and I gave my standard fake number. I thought she was happy enough to leave me alone and I was getting away from her lethal grip, BUT my son, my sweet pain in the ass of a son says,
"Mom, that is not your cell phone number!!!! Its ########." Did you mix up our phone numbers on purpose? Are you trying to trick that lady?"
Now my son and my ex/new bff were just looking at me, one with genuine confusion the other with a bit of annoyance. So, I did what any self respecting loser would do, "Um yeah, I gotta go", and walked away a little faster than necessary, paid for my stuff and made sure no one followed me to the car.
I guess my old friends are stuck with me, all two of them.

Cocoon

2009-07-27T20:36:00.000-07:00

As my stay at home mom days come to a rapid close I find myself feeling more and more unsettled. I knew this was coming, but knowing something is going to happen doesn't equal preparation for it. When I am alone (usually in the car) I imagine this new sense of empowerment I am going to feel when I get to explore this whole other side of me, professional working me, and I really start to look forward to it. Other times something as small as a sigh from my two year sets me off and I think I am making the worst mistake imaginable. I know everyone will be okay, I know this will be good for me and subsequently for my family, but getting from here to there is torture. I keep waiting for a new version of myself to emerge, the person I always assumed I'd become once I was no longer mostly just a mom who does a few other things. The thing that ends up feeling the most shocking is that I'm not starting to feel different, I'm not starting to feel like less of a mom. I'm starting to feel like more of myself, which is something I didn't realize I was missing. I know how cliche it sounds, but it really is how I'm feeling. No I haven't completely lost myself, but when all your days are spent as only the caretaker for your children, squelching some of the "me-ness" is a survival tactic. Otherwise the more mundane aspects of motherhood would be too much to deal with. I do know that I will miss some of the good stuff, but I'm not delusional enough to believe that I haven't been missing some of it all along. I'm just not good with major life changes, they usually send me into a mild (at least) depression, but I am determined not to let that happen this time. I'm fighting the urge to stay in the cocoon of my bed until the day I leave to go to work for the first time. In some moments it really is overwhelming...
I'm just taking each day as it comes, and really just trying to soak the rest of it all in!

On the Verge

2009-07-23T20:41:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to feel like I'm in some weird movie sequence where I am standing still and the rest of the world is a complete blur around me. I'm waiting to get re-engaged in my life again, but for now I'm just not dialed in.

For starters, this doctoral program is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I have brief moments where I really feel like I will accomplish this goal, but most of the time it just feels insurmountable.

Then there is my two year old, who is quite possibly the biggest pain in the ass kid that has ever lived in this house. I am so glad he is cute because that is the ONLY thing that is saving him from being placed in a shipping crate and getting mailed to outer Cambodia.

Then there is this whole work situation. I can't even begin to tell you what a failure I feel like being completely unwanted in my hometown school district. I am making one last feeble attempt at getting employed here, but I'm not expecting too much to come of it.

Isn't it fun listening to me complain? Let me try to make up for it...
Here is a link I found on the List of The Day Blog. If you're at work don't click on it, it's jewelry and pillows sculpted to look like vulva's and other female parts. I mean really, is a pillow shaped to look like a giant pu$$y really an inconspicous place to hide your dildo? I found the pendants rather disturbing too, but I am happy that I found my brother-in-law's belated birthday present there. =)

Next time I'm gonna tell you about my new bff (who I met this week at WalMart).

BIG issues.

2009-07-06T17:37:00.001-07:00

If you've been reading you already know that I have issues. One of which is the fact that the diameter of my ass is bigger than I would like. When you combine this with the fact that I am 6' tall it's not a far stretch to use a Mack truck reference as a descriptor of yours truly. My weight, has always been an issue for me, even when I was skinny, but in my years staying home with my kids I have watched my waistline do the inevitable upwards climb. Now that I am going back to work, I'm really trying to get into a smaller size just because no matter how cute the clothes are, there is a certain point that everything starts to look tent-ish.
Tonight I stopped in at the local Big Gals R'us to see if I could get something new to wear for, what I hope is, my final interview tomorrow. Looking over the racks, I found it increasingly difficult to find anything that looked even remotely professional. You should know there are a few hidden, though universal, rules for fat girl clothes.

Rule 1. Big girls have big boobs which should be shown off at all costs. I guess it's the "flaunt what you got philosophy", but seriously, squeezing my boobs together and shoving them in your face is a pathetic way to avert your eyes from my hips.

Rule 2. Ruffles, Sequins, Collars and sleeves, the bigger and more copious the better. I think this may be used for distraction as well, but if you walk in to any fat lady store you cannot avoid all the embellishments all over everything. Its like a pirate ship full of rhinestones exploded in there. Again, I can't always buy into this look, it just makes me feel ridiculous. "Hey you could look at my fat rolls, but not if I can hypnotize you with my sequins and wizard sleeves first!"

Rule 3. Sassy music is a must. This one I find the most offensive, its like some kind of fat girl mind control. I can just imagine the board meeting where the soundtrack, full of upbeat tunes about how I'm better off without your love or how I am the life of the party, was decided upon.
CEO: You know the big girls aren't buying enough, what to do, what to do?
Eager employee # 1: If there was only some way to make them feel like they have control of their lives, since society tells them they are worthless and ugly.hmmmmmmmmm???
Eager employee #2: Oh Oh I know!!!! We need to set the mood with some sassy music, so when they are trying on the clothes they get a false sense of power and a boost in self-esteem.
Eager employee #1: Perfect!!! That way when they are dancing around in all this shit full of sequins and ruffles and over sized collars they won't just feel like ridiculous pirate hookers, they'll feel sexy and confident....

Well I'm not sure if that is exactly how the conversation went, but it seems like it may be in the ballpark!
Needless to say, I left empty handed, because unless the principal, I'm interviewing with, is a big pirate or cleavage fan, I wasn't likley to increase my chances of a job offer. I guess I'm gonna have to buckle down if I'm gonna have more options for work clothes in 5 weeks, until then I'll stick to my 1 professional outfit and my biggest loser dvd's....sigh!

Bloggy Blahs

2009-07-05T15:24:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged much lately, partly because I was really busy with school, but mostly because I've just felt kind of blah lately. There is probably nothing less interesting to read than a pointless blog post written by a an uninspired blogger, so I've been sparing you for the last several weeks. Honestly, I don't even know why I blog. I really have nothing of interest to say, I'm not interested in a trying to fill my blog full of advertisements to make extra change, and I'm not about to fill the pages full of the mundane details of my family life, after all that has been done, and done and done again. In the spirit of full disclosure, I'm a little embarrassed that I even blog in the first place. It's just so......trendy, something I've never been accused of being....But every time I think of hitting the delete button I just can't do it. So I'm here and if you get bored please feel free to exercise your right to click on the "X" in the upper right hand corner.
The job saga continues, but I do have a job available for the taking, but I'm still interviewing and hoping for lightening to strike. I'm supposed to be sad that I am abandoning my family to go back to work, but I'm not. I can't wait to get out of this house. I think I might literally be going crazy. I do get a little sad that I will be giving away some of my parental duties, some are moving over to my husband (don't get me started on this), and some will be going to my 2 yr old's babysitter, but I'm not sad enough not to do it. Hopefully I'll know more by the end of this week, until then I'm just to...eh to blog about anything.

part 2

2009-06-17T09:41:00.000-07:00

Scroll down if you missed the first part of this little story (I'm too lazy to put the link in here).

About an hour after my response to Principal Bitchface I received a phone call from her. She was full of apologies and started saying something about how God was giving her her "come uppence".

Gotta love the way some people throw God around. No you moron, I'm sure your God was dealing with real problems while he let you muddle around in your own stupidity. I'm sorry but being too stupid to use email does not equal God.....

She promised that she would only give me good reviews from here on out and that if she had a position at her school she would hire me on the spot....

(thanks but I think I'll pass).

I was too nice, I even felt bad for her being so stupid, I should have jumped at the chance to say a few things to her, but I didn't and now the opportunity has passed.
I did end up getting an interview from the principal who may or may not have gotten an earful about how much I suck. It was for a first grade position which isn't my first choice. Though I probably would have taken it to be close to my own kids. A week after that interview I finally received this email.

I am so sorry that it has taken so long to get back with you about the first grade position at our school. We had a long list of applicants and we wanted to make sure that we allowed everyone an opportunity to meet with us. We want you to know that we enjoyed meeting with you and were very impressed with all that you have to offer. It is obvious that you are passionate about teaching children and making a difference in their lives. However, we have decided to offer the position to another applicant at this time. We would like to keep your application on file for future reference should we have another position come available.
We wish you the best of luck in your search for a new teaching position. You are an amazing applicant and will be a definite asset to the school you choose to team with. If I can ever be of any assistance to you, please do not hesitate to contact me.
Take care-

Depressing, right? I know it is a form letter, but really I would much rather be a "sucky person who has no business around small children" over an "amazing applicant" that just wasn't good enough for them. Who writes this bs, I mean really? I'm not completely sure that this was a legitimate job offer to begin with. It very well could have been a c.y.a interview to help out Principal Bitchface since she had gotten herself in a bit of a pickle with the illegal job reference and all.......who knows?

Stay tuned for more. There is a happy ending

of course "happy" is extremely dependant on where I happen to fall on the hormone spectrum on any given day.

Interviews, Emails and Rejection. part 1

2009-06-13T11:53:00.000-07:00

Over the last two weeks I have really amped up my efforts to gain employment, turning my lackadaisical attitude into one of total determination. The reality of the ever shrinking numbers on my husband's paycheck helped to light the fire in me to find a way to bring more cash into the house. Back in the old days when his pay went down we just cut way back on our living expenses, but now that our kids are older, and more expensive on their own, I don't want the ebbs and flows of the economy to interfere with their activities. On top of that I am really ready to get back into the mix, even if that does cause me much maternal conflict.
If I am being totally honest, I am not a dream candidate, my job history is skitter scattered around my stay at home mom years, and I've never really stayed in one position long enough to get off of a probationary contract (usually 3 years is the minimum). No matter how impressed any school might be about my education (I can't tell for sure if they care or not) the fact that I am all theory and no (or very little) practice means that I am a risk.
The school district that I really wanted to work in advises applicants not to contact school principals because it just gets "too overwhelming" for them. So imagine my dismay upon discovering that they are only giving interviews to applicants who make personal contact with them..hmmmmmmmm?!?!?!?!?! I sat at my computer for an entire day customizing emails to all the schools I'd hoped to possibly work for, remembering to attach my resume most of the time. I only addressed one female as a "Mr." so all in all I felt pretty good about my effort. At that point I thought I'd just sit back and wait for them to come begging......
Cue the crickets........................................
I have always been granted an interview once I'd turned in an application, so not hearing from even one principal in a period of 2 months of it being on file and then after a few weeks after making "personal contact" was only slightly discouraging. Then a small clue to my lack of success landed in my inbox in the form of an email that was never intended to come to me. It was from my former principal, who assured me that she would give nothing but rave reviews on my behalf
It read:(names have been changed to protect the innocent and the bitchy)

She is smart, calm, and easy going. Almost too easy going. Very low key and low energy level. She had a tendency to be negative if the people around her were negative. She didn't start it, didn't cause any problems, or wasn't a drama queen, but she doesn't stay away from it either. She was a special ed teacher for us and she was paired with a nasty, opinionated special ed teacher that was used to home schooling her kids. The other teacher is Fred so and so's wife. I can't remember her last name. I think a lot of people in our district know Fred. Anyway, Suburban Psychotic may be too low key for you, but she may be a pretty good teacher.

Two faced Lying Bitch
Principal
Dill Weed Elementary

Well holy mother of Mike, who in their right mind would grant such a candidate an interview???? I won't even bring up the fact that offering such personal opinions in a job reference are illegal in my state, though I guess I just did.
I had no idea how to react, so I replied as diplomatically as I possibly could. The yellow is obviously personal commentary that was not inlcuded in the actual email

Dearest Bitchface liar,
Did you mean to send this to me? If so, I do appreciate your honesty. (even though I think you're a hooker who wears too much make up)
I'm not sure how to respond except to say that the year I worked at Dill Weed Elementary was very difficult for me in my personal life, my husband was not working due to a severe back injury and I had two jobs and two small children to care for at the time. I was purposely "low key" because my partner (who is still my very good friend and was only disliked because she called everyone out on their bullshit) and my department head(who did not do her job, but was best friends with the building admin)hated each other. I did my best to focus on the students so as to stay out of the drama and negativity that was inescapable.
I did think I left on good terms (mostly because you told me two months ago that you remembered me fondly) and was hopeful to come back to the district (but I guess I can bend over and kiss that dream goodbye).
Like I said, I do appreciate your honesty (even though it seems to be a relatively new concept for you).
Thanks,
Suburban Psychotic

You'll have to wait for my next post to find out how all this ended up...

D is for Depression....

2009-05-24T19:50:00.000-07:00

As it always happens, I sat down to blog about something else entirely, and this is what came out....

I've been diagnosed with clinical depression no less than 3 times in my life. Two of those times were post-partum depression and the other was a garden variety kind that took over my life at the beginning of 11th grade. I also suspect that there was a moment there, after my last miscarriage that might have warranted a note in my medical file, but since I wouldn't get off the couch I guess we'll never really know.
I'm lucky that I have such a supportive family, since my personality is naturally prone to some intense and lengthy lows at any given point, and though I've not been officially depressed for the last 4 years or so, I'd be lying if I denied the fact that melancholy was always in my line of sight, peering in my windows on dark nights waiting so patiently for me to take a step in the wrong direction. I'm sure my issues are genetic and biological (though I'd like to believe it is a function of misunderstood brilliance) but I've refused to take medication (since I've spent the last 8 years somewhere on the pregnancy and breastfeeding spectrum and back in high school I was worried that anti-depressants would interfere with my future appointment to the Air force Academy). In a conversation I had recently, my friend asked me how I knew that my depression was any different that the normal feelings everyone experiences. I didn't have an answer for her at the time, but I do now,

Depression is not just about feeling sad or upset or the inability to feel happy at the appropriate times. It is more the inability to feel at all. You know you should feel sad, but the process of emoting requires more energy than you can muster, so you're not sad, you're just..... nothing. You understand that you're not experiencing things in the appropriate manner, but again, giving a shit is just beyond your grasp and exchanging oxygen for carbon dioxide is about the biggest accomplishment you'll achieve in those days, weeks and months (and even that would be set aside if it were possible.) there are many appropriate adjectives to go along with it, hopeless, despondent, detached, but there is no way to understand unless you've traveled to that place. Even now, as I am not depressed, I have a difficult time pin-pointing the emotions because they are so context dependant. When I've been depressed, I don't care, I don't care that I don't care and I have no desire to care. There is nothing anyone can do for me until I care enough to let them, and sometimes that takes a while. As a mom I do worry that one day the bomb will drop again and I'll become unavailable to my kids in a way no parent should, but luckily I've gotten very good at attending to all the warning signs and fending them off with exercise and projects and through other means (the details of which would bore you to tears).

So there is my answer, the reason I know that depression is not on the normal spectrum of emotions is because normally I do exist within the same spectrum and there is a marked distinction between everyday ins and outs and full on depression. I'm not sure who has it worse, the depressed or their loved ones since it can be so frustrating and infuriating to someone who wants to make it better but has never seen it from the inside out.

I've accepted the fact that I will permanently reside right here on the edge between normalcy and the abyss, and though I can't make it better for anyone else going through the same things, maybe knowing that you're not alone is help in itself.

When I say "Tball" you say "Hell"

2009-05-21T20:13:00.000-07:00

"Tball" "Hell" "Tball" "Hell"
I'm sure what I'm about to write means I am a bad mom, but it wouldn't be the first time.

I hate Tball. I don't just dislike it, I hate it. It is hilarious to watch, 4 and 5 year old running around on the field, fighting over the ball, picking flowers, doing cartwheels, etc., but, it is just another "fun" extra curricular full of politics and despicable grown up behavior.

When my husband volunteered to coach this season, I knew it would be a huge commitment, but I had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. There are coaches in our league who have been caught cheating, CHEATING in tball. Oh, don't worry, they won't be allowed to coach next year, their reign of terror on the Tball field will end with this year's playoffs.

I'm not even going to go into the politics of how the teams are picked, especially after my husband made the mistake of pointing it out to the league president. I am still talking about a program for 4 and 5 year olds, just in case you forgot how ridiculous this all is.

I have even stooped to offering to sign my 5 year old up for drum lessons if he'd just agree to not play anymore, no takers.

Don't get me wrong, I like to watch my kid play, but the adults around me totally suck the fun out of it. Thankfully we lost our last play-off game (don't get me started on the ridiculousness of tball playoffs) last night, so our season is over........except that it really isn't. I happen to have some inside information about the fact that we have another 2 weeks of even higher stakes tball coming up. A good mom would be happy about that, right? What's the appropriate response?
"Tball" "Hell", "Tball" "Hell"!!!

On being a Liberal

2009-05-20T10:10:00.000-07:00

Until the last presidential election, I'd always considered myself to be a political moderate (even though I'd always voted Democrat). The year or so preceding the election, was the first time I'd ever really engaged in any type of serious political discussions with people who both opposed and/or agreed with my views. This really helped me to reflect on my ideology and reasoning, upon which, I discovered that I'm about as liberal as you can get, (A fact that my Republican mother is patiently waiting for me to outgrow).
With all the talk about the (lack of) direction and new emerging (and desperately needed) definitions of Conservatives and Republicans, I thought I should explore what it means to be a liberal.

Here is the American Heritage Dictionary definition of "liberal"

Not limited to or by established, traditional, orthodox, or authoritarian attitudes, views, or dogmas; free from bigotry.
Favoring proposals for reform, open to new ideas for progress, and tolerant of the ideas and behavior of others; broad-minded.
Of, relating to, or characteristic of liberalism.
Liberal Of, designating, or characteristic of a political party founded on or associated with principles of social and political liberalism, especially in Great Britain, Canada, and the United States.

I think I like my new label, how can you go wrong with not being limited by orthodox views, being free from bigotry, tolerant of the ideas and behavior of others, and being broad minded? Of course, this isn't to say that not being liberal means that you are bigoted and intolerant, but I do need more time to craft a description of conservatism that doesn't sound overly negative.

Living in the South, I do find myself with the need to seek out like-minded people, which isn't isn't necessarily difficult, but I'm not going to win any popularity contests in my small suburban town. Even among the liberals I have found on the Internet, I haven't always been met with tolerance and broad-mindedness. There are still a lot of sweeping generalizations and finger pointing that goes on amongst even the most liberal people, and I'm just not sure why. There are accusations of snobbery and elitism that go along with Liberalism, that I can't always defend or explain. Nevertheless, I'm still proud to be a liberal, and much to my mom's chagrin, I don't think I'll be growing out of it anytime soon!

Matrimony, minutia and monotony..

2009-05-19T09:48:00.000-07:00

My life is always in a perpetual state of waiting to get to the next phase and, I must say, it is really getting annoying. If you go back a few posts you'll probably be able to sense the urgency with which I was wanting the semester to be over, but now I'm finding myself with the same feeling for the next semester to start back up.

When I have nothing on my plate I become much to finely attuned to the minutia going on around me, and, well, it is as lame as it sounds. Aside from the fact that my days are now filled with planning and logistics control over every freaking ceremony involved with being a parent. (I mean really how many graduations do you need before you even start kindergarten?) My husband is now artificially inserted into our days due to some "emergency vacation" he HAD to take to attend t-ball play-offs. I do love my husband, don't get me wrong, but I do find that he is much more lovable on a part-time basis. His time at home is usually spent setting the example for "stay-at-home" behavior. These are all the things I still have yet to master even after 8 years of being a "stay-at-home" mom. I'm sorry but laundry sucks, and I'd much rather take my kids out to a sit down lunch at say, Pei Wei, than eat something bland and sandwich-like at my own kitchen table.

Today he thought he was being smart in "cooking" a real meal, proving to me that eating at home is as much fun as not. As I sit here typing the dear man is coming up with some vomitous concoction that is filling my house with an aroma reminiscent of regurgitated excrement. As I look over at the stove from where I sit, I can see empty packages of turkey sausage, bison meat, mushrooms, brown rice and white flour, along with some other things that are just out of my line of sight (Thank God). I know I'll be getting a feigned silent treatment when I refuse to taste it sighting my acute olfactory sense and tendency to gag, but he's stuck with me anyway.

Later I'm sure I'll get a lesson in how to properly water the garden and organize the piles of research papers that litter my desk and seem to multiply in the night. I hate that I sound so ungrateful, I do have a husband that "cooks" and I couldn't be more excited about the "this is not pink eye" pink-eye infection that he gave me (the same one that sent me to the grocery store minute clinic for a 40 dollar, impossibly tiny bottle of antibiotic eye drops), BUT it is time for his vacation to come to an end, or my school to call needing my immediate assistance, surely there is some pressing research opportunity that only I can handle!

The good news, for me, is that these little life lessons are easy to ignore as I'm pretty sure my superior intelligence and winning personality mean that I am above it all anyway (excluding, of course, the pink-eye).

I am having some fun "researching" all things Texan and I look forward to writing some of the posts that are budding in my head about it, but, fear not this will not become an "all Texas all the time" type of blog, because well that would be just as bad as eating lunch at home everyday. I'll strive for, maybe, a once a week "Texas" post (until I get tired of it), separated by posts about other things that help me to display my contagiously positive outlook and charming wit.

Now I think I'll sneak out for something that looks and smells more edible than the steaming pile of goo sitting at my place on the "lunch" table.

Don't Mess With Texas?

2009-05-18T12:19:00.000-07:00

After a spirited back and forth with another blogger about Texas (her dislike and my defense of) I've decided to try to examine the phenomenon of Texas pride (as objectively as possible and with some humor).
I mean really, where does it come from? I'm not even afflicted with true Texas pride, but I do find myself on the defensive when someone speaks negatively about us. Being Texan becomes an inextractible part of our identity, even when we don't fit the "Texan" stereotype. Why? This doesn't happen in other states, at least not to the degree it does here.
My plan is to elicit some responses from Texans and non Texans about Texan pride, I may even get brave and try to get some video responses. I think it will be alot of fun and very eye opening, to say the least. I'm sure anything short of painting Texas as the perfect place, is going to put me up for some pretty harsh criticism, but I'm a big girl.

To begin with, check out this video. It is tongue and cheek, but I think a lot of the country feels this way towards this state.

Are you still proud?

Ralph the gay giraffe

2009-05-13T19:10:00.000-07:00

My son (who is 8) approached me with a question about same-sex marriage, mostly wanting to know what the big deal is. I didn't really see any reason to dance around the issue, I don't have a problem with homosexuality, I am not threatened by same-sex marriage, if my kids were gay I'd be totally fine with that, and I do not think civil law should rely on a biblical definition (but you already knew all that).

After trying to explain both sides of the issue (emphasizing my belief in civil equality) I told my eldest offspring that all I really want is for him to be happy. If he marries a woman, great, if he marries a man that's great too. My goal as a mother is to raise happy, healthy, independent creatures, I don't care if they are gay or straight or somewhere in between. He was a little irritated with me for mentioning any possibility that he could be gay.

#1 "Mom, you know I'm not gay"

Me: "How do I know that?"

#1 "BECAUSE I'M NOT GAY"

Me: "Okay, I didn't say you were"

#1 "Yes you did."

Me: "No, what I was trying to tell you is that I don't care who you marry as long as that person makes you happy."

#1 "well that person is going to be a girl."

Me: "Okay, but I don't care if it is giraffe named Ralph, as long as you are happy."

#1 "MOOOOOOOOM I told you that I'm not gay"

Me: "I still didn't say you were"

#1 "Look mom, I'm not gay, and if I do marry a giraffe, it will be a girl giraffe." he said as he walked out of the room in a cloud of indignation.

I guess he's not gay....but maybe I should keep a closer eye on him when we go to the zoo.

The problem with being uncool...

2009-04-30T06:05:00.000-07:00

My final class for this semester was last night, at a brewery/restaurant. It had potential to be a great time as there are a lot of interesting characters in this particular course. Unfortunately I was the second to last person to arrive so I ended up in the cheap seats, just far enough away from the good conversations to be excluded from most of them. Sadly, it seems, this is the story of my life..Always on the fringes, just close enough to see the cool kids but just far enough away to be unnoticed. I'm sure it is my fault, I'm sure it somehow goes back to some deep self loathing that keeps me in a perpetual state of exclusion. I'm also sure that the fact that most of the time I am apathetic about my social status doesn't help elevate it in any way. Never-the-less, sometimes it makes me sad.

I've never been accused of being cool. I had some glory days in late elementary because I got boobs before everyone else, but the boobs were soon followed by a ridiculous growth spurt that left me taller than all my 5th grade teachers (I was known as Paul Bunyan from that point forward).
In seventh grade I had a short lived resurgence of cool just because I switched schools and the new kid is always popular for 5 minutes. They soon caught onto me too and I was once again relegated to the ranks of social mediocrity. High school was a blur (where I was re-nicknamed Amazon woman), I spent most of it in a "relationship" (with 3 different boys, not at the same time). And even though I would never have signed an abstinence pledge, my promiscuity was more myth than reality, leaving "coolness" elusive once more.

Then there was college....still uncool. I lived in an all female co-op for 2.5 years. I got along with most of the girls in the house, at least I thought I did, until I found out after I had moved out that everyone (almost everyone, I did make a few good friends) had either hated me or seriously disliked me... Boo freakin hoo, right?

Since then I've been married and breeding, and even still, have somehow managed to procreate a group that I am still excluded from. This house is definitely a boy's club, and since I lack the necessary equipment, I can only sit on the sidelines and watch. I get to be the utility player here, the one that makes it all happen, yet I'm never invited to the secret meetings where they must discuss how to find worms, aim farts, and come up with names for their balls.

Then there is always facebook where I get to see all my friends and family socialize with each other in ways, quite frankly, they just don't with me (nor I with them).

Like I said, most of the time, I really don't care. Even last night, about halfway through my 2nd beer, I decided I didn't want to hear about treks through Peru, or adventures on The Great Wall anyway. Who cares about travels to Vienna or conversations about national education standards? I had my pizza and beer and all was well with the world, well, except for swine flu and my secret, nagging desire to be one of the cool kids.

Misled...

2009-04-29T11:25:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry, I know I've already established my nut-job status when it comes to the swine flu, but I am very annoyed with our CDC (and the news media).

There has been a death here in Houston from the swine flu. I keep hearing about it, reading about it, trying not to obsess about it, etc. etc. Then the CDC comes out with this report saying that the death may indicate that it is becoming more serious in the U.S. What most of the reports are leaving out is that this U.S. death is actually a Mexican child brought here for treatment.

Think about it, and if they are giving us all the facts how the hell was there a death in a city that was, until that point, unaffected????

Don't get me wrong it is still unnerving, especially since I have a 24 month old in my home, I am scared. BUT I would appreciate is some accuracy in reporting. I'd rather hear facts instead of scare tactics.
I'm a mom, I live in fear of what might happen to my family, I don't need any one's help with that. What I do need are facts and information.

If you listen carefully to the CDC they keep saying they fully expect to see more deaths, which may or may not be a result of an increasing viral danger. It may also be the result of looking a little deeper, finding cases previously unknown. You won't hear much about the latter because, well, it isn't scary enough!

Reports out of Mexico are scant if anything. I think the cases of flu there are now hovering around 1600 with 170 deaths. BUT if you look deeper you will find that many communities there have been experiencing this illness (with high rates of recovery) for several weeks (if not months). Even their "patient zero" lives in a community where 3000 people became ill. How did they come up with 1600 again???? Oh that's right because they aren't telling us everything.

Yes this flu is scary, so is the regular old flu.
Yes this flu is serious and contagious and sometimes deadly, but so is the regular flu.
Yes most people who get this flu will recover, as they will from the regular flu.
Yes this flu responds to antivirals, just as does the regular flu.

Enough already, I'm scared, the CDC has my attention, but I refuse to rely on the media for any accuracy in their reporting. I am now (as I suggest you should) reading the reports myself, and listening to people who don't have a vested interest in scaring the crap out of me to get me to watch their prime time news shows.

I can't allow anyone (read: the news media) to feed off my fear and vulnerabilities...

This is funny if you have 5 minutes to watch...

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

M - Th 11p / 10c

Snoutbreak '09 - The Last 100 Days

thedailyshow.com

Daily Show
Full Episodes

Economic Crisis

First 100 Days

Pandemic issues.

2009-04-26T19:05:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know what I am about to write could make me look like a complete nut-job....but I'm gonna write it anyway!!!

I CANNOT handle anymore Pandemic, Swine Flu news flashes. I just can't.... I'm a bit of a germ-a-phobe/hypochondriac and I'm pretty sure I've done enough Internet research, on rare but deadly diseases that may or may not be causing my (insert symptoms here) on any given day, to have earned an M.D. with honors!!!
I also CANNOT watch any Armageddon type movies or documentaries. I can't do it. I mean when Al Gore came out with An Inconvenient Truth, I was depressed for weeks, thinking I had brought three children into this world just in time to see the end of days. (Maybe I'm just a tad melodramatic too, as is evidenced by my husbands permanent state of eyeroll directed towards me.)

All these little idiosyncrasies about my personality in combination with the fact that I somehow sat through 2.5 hours of "Armageddon week" on the History Channel last weekend and am currently watching every last one of the latest news reports about the swine flu, has me in a state of psychotic frenzy. I keep having to talk myself down off the ledge.
This is happening in Mexico, I mean I can throw a rock from my house and have it land across* the border.
*of course, by "across" I mean approximately 400 miles away from the border, but you get my point.

In an effort to ease my mind I've been doing a little "research" on the 1918 flu pandemic. It is staggering to know that that flu killed 50million people world wide. Keeping it in perspective 500 Million people actually had the flu, which means 450,000,000 people lived through it. Now 10% is a very high death rate for a flu and from what I can tell the deaths were pretty fast, but still 9/10 is still pretty decent odds right? Not to mention the advances in anti-virals and modern medicine ,we may even have a better chance at surviving, right? Please say yes!!!

In all reality we will probably be okay, I know that logically, but the chance that something so totally out of my control could come into my house and take me away from my kids, or vice versa, just makes me C-R-A-Z-Y, and the media just eats this shit up. I keep waiting for some cheesy graphic with the sound effects of doom playing in the background to come up every time they talk about it.
I will try not to panic, I'll try to act (relatively) normal, but I can't promise that I won't stockpile canned goods and attempt to order a bio hazard suit and matching mask ! For now I'll try to be happy overusing my Purell.

The Global Rich List

2009-04-23T13:00:00.000-07:00

One of my Facebook friends posted this link. It shows where your income ranks you in comparison to the rest of the world, and gives a bit of perspective about how much we really have here in the US. Interesting!!!!
I am the 31,845,353rd richest person in the world, who knew???

Yes, I know I'm being a lazy blogger, but really, my brain is fried from the end of the semester stuff and job hunting.

Now we know....

2009-04-22T05:45:00.000-07:00

...what will happen to us if we lived out this occasional fantasy.
You know you've thought about it too, or is it just me and the crazy lady from New York?

Dear Miss California,

2009-04-21T15:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss California,
If you are feeling cheated and discriminated against because of your political views, imagine what it would feel like to experience that just because of who you are....
Hugs and Kisses

Blogger Interrupted

2009-04-18T20:01:00.001-07:00

Since my blogging is being interrupted by my life and I have no time to say anything of interest or value, I figured this was a good time to share a blog I really like...

http://www.bloggerinterrupted.com/

Check him out and watch some of his videos, I think he could be my new best friend (in a totally non-creepy, non-cyberstalkerish kind of way)!!!

back to the grind.....

BTW, I changed my comment format since a few people were having problems responding. See if it works now, comment all you want just don't give me a complex I already have enough issues.

The Senator's Response

2009-04-11T15:47:00.001-07:00

You may recall that I wrote my senator a letter of disapproval recently over his over his "no" vote on the Lilly Ledbetter act. I am highly unimpressed with his response, in fact it makes me just a little nauseous, but regardless, here it is.....

Dear 2nd class citizen who should shut up and do the same job for less pay,
(I may have taken a liberty or two in the greeting but the rest is his (or one of his minions) writing.
Thank you for contacting me regarding pay equity in the workplace. As the father of two daughters, I believe it is important to protect women’s rights, especially in the workplace, and I appreciate having the benefit of your views on this matter.As you may know, Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 made it illegal for employers to adjust an employee’s pay because of their race, color, religion, sex, or national origin. Additionally, this legislation requires that any pay discrimination claims brought under the Civil Rights Act be filed within 180 days of the discriminatory employment practice. In 2007, the Supreme Court in Ledbetter v. Goodyear Tire & Rubber Co., Inc., upheld the 180-day statute of limitations for pay discrimination claims filed under Title VII of the Civil Rights Act. I believe that victims of discrimination deserve their day in court; however, we must protect the rights of those who are discriminated against without creating a system that is subject to abuse. Unfortunately, the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act (P.L. 111–1), which was signed into law during the 111th Congress, is likely to jeopardize the right to a fair and speedy trial. P.L. 111-1 effectively eliminates the 180-day statute of limitation for discrimination claims, allowing employees to file claims for lost compensation decades after the act of discrimination occurs. As a former Texas judge, I know that justice often suffers when trials are delayed. The statute of limitations exists to ensure that trials are held while the event is still fresh in the memory and records of the victims of discrimination, the employers, and the witnesses. Finally, Congress must work to ensure that claims for discrimination are filed in a timely manner, while protecting the rights of employees who are unaware that they are victims of pay discrimination. For this reason, I cosponsored the Title VII Fairness Act (S. 166) which reaffirms the importance of a statute of limitations for filing discrimination claims, but also recognizes that, in some cases, a person may not know that they were a victim of discriminatory activity at the time. S. 166 was offered as an amendment to the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act, and would have improved protections for employees against workplace discrimination. I am proud to have voted for this amendment, unfortunately, S. 166 was not included in the final version of the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act. I appreciate having the opportunity to represent you in the United States Senate, and you may be certain that I will keep your views in mind should S. 166 or other relevant legislation be considered during the 111th Congress. Thank you for taking the time to contact me.
Sincerely,
JOHN CORNYN
United States Senator

ugh!!

2009-04-09T09:51:00.000-07:00

Ever since having my third child, my life has been out of control in one way or another. There just never seems to be enough of me to go around. I can never get anything done because someone is always needing something and I am the go-to person in our house. I kinda feel like I am in a never ending game of Tetris (yes I am that old) where as soon as I figure out how to make the pieces fit, new pieces start falling from the sky faster and faster until they all end up in a big messy pile. I'm sure there are moms out there that can handle 3 kids with ease and grace, but I'm not one of them. Someone always needs more of me than I have to give at the moment, and someone is always left out.

I was under the false impression that once I got my kids weaned, out of diapers and in school they wouldn't need me as much. I have found that reality is quite the opposite and my mind is full of worry over whatever issues my kids are dealing with at the moment. The thing that sucks the most about all of this is that my dear (no) sweet (eh) loving (Bleh) husband is totally unburdened by all of this. How is it possible that we live in the same house, produced the same offspring, and I am the only one losing sleep over my 8yr old's conduct grades, my 5 yr old's broken arm or the ever increasing possibility of my 2 year falling into our unattended pool??? Clearly the benefits of being a man extend beyond the ability to pee standing up!!!

The 10-31 Project

2009-04-01T11:58:00.000-07:00

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

The 10/31 Project

comedycentral.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor

NASA Name Contest

Sayonara Sucker

2009-03-13T18:14:00.000-07:00

Until last week, I imagined I would not be going back to teaching until I had earned the Dr. in front of my name (or the Ed.D. behind it, depending on how you look at it), but in some weird conversation twist, the hub and I discussed the possibility of me going back to work next school year. Mostly the benefits seem to be obvious, more money (maybe we could actually make those hurricane repairs to the house before the next hurricane season), I'd finally be chipping away at those "years of experience" that the persnickety academicians require before you are allowed or invited to join their "Dr." club, and the opportunity to receive the outside stimulation for which my subconscious has been begging over the last eight years.
Really the only hang up is the kids, those pesky little offspring that need to be taken care of. My oldest two aren't an issue, they will be in school. Dealing with them will just be all logistics because my work day (assuming I get a job) will be about the same length as their school day.

My biggest issue is with my (almost) 2 year old.....I feel like I'm throwing him to the wolves.
"Sorry kid you were born too late", "Mommy is brain fried from too much breeding" or "Mommy's got to go now, but I hope you win big" I keep saying all these things to him in my head, how can I be so ready to go back to work, when the thought of putting his older brother's in day care used to leave me in a sloppy heap in the corner? See, it isn't so much the fact that we are putting him childcare that is bothering me, it is the fact that I couldn't even fathom doing it to his brothers. I feel guilty that I can't seem to guilt myself out of wanting to do this. (Are you starting to get why I call myself psychotic?) The irony is that he is the baby that we had to try so hard to have. We went through SO much to get him here and now I feel like were saying "Syonara SUCKER"

I don't know, I am sure my perspective is all wrong. There really is so much to be gained from taking on a second income, especially while we sit and watch others ,who work in the same industry as my husband, losing their jobs at a ridiculously fast pace. We would be foolish to sit here with our fingers crossed hoping we'll make it through, when I could have a perfectly good opportunity to provide us a little breathing room in the worst case (financial) scenario.

The "mom guilt" just really makes me want to vomit. See how twisted this is? I know I should feel bad, but I don't, then I start to feel bad because I don't feel bad, then I get pissed off that I"m feeling bad about not feeling bad. Seriously?
I surrender, its time for an adult beverage...

We're off to Remember the Alamo for Spring Break! I'm sure I'll return with tales to tell.

The Un-Gifted

2009-03-05T13:10:00.001-08:00

My almost 8 year old son was recently tested for placement in his school's GT (gifted and talented) program we are awaiting the results, but I have received some indications that he did not qualify. As a former teacher I am fully aware of how much of a joke this school district's GT program is, but still one hour of stimulating lesson plans a week is better than nothing. As a former "GT" student I am fully aware of how much it is not only a joke, but also how little being labeled "GT" really means to one's future success.

I know all this, logically I get that it really is no big deal, BUT when its your kid up for scrutiny you can't help but want others to see in them what you see. I can't help but be just a little disappointed that he didn't get in.

This kid is literally one of the smartest people I know, he can play music by ear, and well, I could go on an on, but I'll spare you. What I have been told (when I worked for this school district) is that there is a certain type of "GT" that they are looking for when they do the testing!?!? What, so they only have the desire to (attempt to) meet the needs of a certain type of student? What is to become of the rest of the riff-raff? In looking at the way this school looks at "GT" one could only assume that most of the world's population would not qualify, the fact that we don't see fit to take everyone else's learning one step further, to promote creative thinking, and to offer differing perspectives to the vast majority speaks volumes for our education system. Would we not be better served to also offer up the best to everyone else, since our world is mostly made up of everyone else?

In a conversation I had with my son's teacher a few weeks ago, she expressed to me her sincere hope that he would qualify because he so obviously needs something more, she can tell he gets bored and doesn't have to apply himself to learn the subject matter they present him. He also doesn't have the most accomodating personality so when he gets bored he becomes a major pain in the ass. Then just a few breaths later, she suggested that he has attentional issues and that maybe I should talk to his pediatrician about it because she just doesn't know how they will get him to sit thorough the entire TAKS test in 3rd grade. ) That, roughly translated, means "please drug your kid into submission so we can better deal with him." I must say that she did think he'll still be able to pass the test, but the more kids they can get to receive a "commended" rating, the better their standing with the state. I could blog for days about the pitfalls of teaching for the discrete skill memorization and regurgitation that the emphasis on standardized testing has led us to, not to mention how many more kids are alienated by this type of teaching, but then I'd be getting horribly off topic and I might never stop.

On that note, I'll go attend to my average, un-gifted, run-of-the-mill kids!

Ode to the Unhappy, Conservatism let you down?...

2009-03-05T07:07:00.000-08:00

One of my facebook friends posted a link to this article and I loved it so much I thought I'd share. The complete title is

Ode to the unhappy
Conservatism let you down? Obama nothing more than Bush II? Oh, you poor thing.

I haven't blogged in a while because I am swamped in school work, children and a house that should probably be condemned, I'm pissed at my husband for blowing off my birthday, and I am completely exasperated with my seven year old's elementary school because they want me to drug him into submission while telling me he is too smart for their classrooms, but not the right kind of smart for a better one (WTF?). Once I get things under control around here, I will tell you all about my Garden of Death, Candy Farts, my senators response, and I might even bitch a little about some other things.
Until then.....

Foto Friday

2009-02-20T19:07:00.001-08:00

Thought I'd participate in Foto Friday!

This is a pier near my house that was destroyed in Hurricane IKE!

Now that I finally know how to upload pics w/o messing up my entire post (Thank you Stacey) I'll finally be able to blog about my little garden, and show you the nutria rat that tried to eat my children.

A Letter to my Senator

2009-02-18T17:59:00.000-08:00

I am, by no means, a political activist. I don't even enjoy talking politics with my friends and family. I can't even believe I am blogging about anything political, but I've been reading a few blogs written by some well spoken, politically minded women, and I was moved to contact my senator for the first time ever.

Here is my Letter.

Senator Cornyn,

I am writing to you to express my sincere disappointment in your "no" vote on the Lilly Ledbetter Act. I have read through this legislation and cannot begin to understand your opposition on a measure that would require employers to pay women as they would pay men for the same job. I realize that there is some concern over "frivolous lawsuits", but I don't consider the desire for fair and equal pay to be a frivolous request. The fact that this is even an issue in 2009 is amazing to me, but the fact that my Senator voted against it is utterly disheartening. I do not think women should have to constantly look over their shoulders to make sure they are being treated fairly, but I suspect this is something that you, as a man, can simply take for granted.
I hope, in the future, when women's equality is on the table, you'll consider the perspective of the women you represent, and vote for giving them the rights that you have been able to expect for yourself.

Hugs and Kisses, (Actually it was, Sincerely)
The Suburban Psychotic (Yes of course I put my real name).

If I do get a response, I'll post it here.

The Nurture Assumption, food for thought.

2009-02-16T18:25:00.000-08:00

If you're a parent you know that if your child does not turn out to be a perfect adult who can cure cancer, find a means for world peace and end the climate crisis then it is all your fault. Starting as far back as Freud, our culture has been force fed a steady diet of accusation and responsibility aimed at parents when anything goes wrong with their children. B.F. Skinner taught us all about learned behavior via stimulus/response, and John Watson said that if he could be given 10 babies to raise on his own he could make any one of them turn out however he chose just by the way he raised them....I could go on and on, BUT what if we've been led astray by these behaviorists, psychoanalysts and child development experts!? The belief that parents are the main influence over their child's social behavior is a relatively new idea (when compared to the length of human existence on the planet).

What if it is really okay to parent in ways that feel authentic to us without feeling the inevitable parental guilt (I would have said mommy-guilt but I know I have at least one y-chromosome reading) that goes along with not being perfect??? What if we choose to ditch the nurture assumption for something that makes a little more sense?

In her book, The Nurture Assumption, Judith Rich Harris provides a pretty convincing argument against the belief that "parents are the most important part of the child’s environment and can determine, to a large extent, how the child turns out" (p.15). Instead she proposes that it is, in fact, the child's peer groups that socialize children, not the adults in their lives. As parents, we maintain personal relationships with our children, we teach them how to behave in our presence, but their peer groups have very different rules than ours. You can bet that when we aren't there (and sometimes even when we are) they are following the rules of their peer groups. I am reminded of this everyday when I drop my 7 year old off at school. I'm not allowed to tell him that I love him when we are in the school's parking lot. Even if we are inside the car with the doors and windows closed, apparently there is the smallest chance that someone might hear me. God forbid anyone find out that his mom loves him!!! Parents do give them the tools and knowledge that they take with them to their peer groups, but it is their peers who help them shape what they believe about themselves.

There is a mountain of research that "proves" that the home environment determines a child's outcome, but as Harris points out, even in cases where identical twins have been reared apart, they are just as alike as identical twins raised in the same home by the same parents. Hmmmmm genetics anyone??? She has so many more examples to support her theory, but for time's sake I'll refer you to the book in you're interested.

I know you're skeptical, I was too. The entire time I was reading the book I wanted to find some glaringly obvious counter-point to prove that I am Numero Uno in their lives.

I never did.

No, it will not change the way I parent my children, but it has given me a new perspective about my role as their mother.

The White Knot

2009-02-10T11:00:00.000-08:00

I was going to blog about my new garden (which is really just a box of dirt right now) but a conversation I just had has my mind on other things.

It makes me sad that marriage equality is even an issue. I was in complete disbelief when Prop 8 passed in California, I just can't believe that some people are so short sighted and judgemental of others. I will never buy into the "But the Bible says...." argument because God and religion do not make our civil laws, they just don't. By asking to be legally married, homosexuals are not asking for entry into anyone's heaven, they just want to be treated like humans while they are here on earth. One of my favorite arguments against gay marriage is that it threatens the sanctity of traditional marriage....well if the fact that two people love each other and want to commit to spending their lives together is a threat to your marriage, your issues go beyond homophobia!!!
I could go on and on and on, but I'll spare you!
This is a petition for Californians to sign against Prop 8, but there is a slide show worth watching (even if you're not from Ca), and here is way to show support for marriage equality. Just in case you're interested!!!

An Open Letter

2009-02-08T18:58:00.000-08:00

To the lady who sat next me at Panera,

There is no way you could have known what kind of weekend I'd had up to the point of our meeting. You didn't know I woke up at 7 am so sore from Saturday's gardening I could hardly breathe without pain. I know you had no control over the fact that my not quite 2 year old drank some laundry detergent this morning while I was trying to get the house cleaned. It also isn't your fault that the detergent drinking happened while my husband was gone cleaning the car for almost 2 hours before I packed up all the kids to go see what we could do to persuade him that home is really where he needed to be. It's not your fault that poison control told me the little guy would be fine unless he started struggling to breath and drooling, which he proceeded to do 1hour after his sudsy cocktail.

I don't blame you for the fact that he coughed up bubbles while we went to his pediatrician's after hours clinic only to be greeted by a doctor who's English was so sparse I had to explain what "detergent" was. I'm sure it wasn't your fault that I mistook her lack of command for the the English language for deafness which led to me yelling my English description of detergent loud enough for the entire waiting room of sick kids and their families to hear. You didn't tell them to look at me like I had leprosy as I walked out of the office on my way to the emergency room as per the non-English speaking doctor's orders. You didn't cause the 10 hour wait at the emergency room which led us to look elsewhere for treatment. Did I mention how uptight and OCD I get around sick people and in the places where sick people congregate? Well that isn't your fault either, but I thought I'd mention it. I can't hold the four hour ordeal against you, nor can I blame you for the bloody nose my seven year old gave to my five year immediately upon us picking them up from their grandma's house.

How could you know that we then dragged all 3 of our offspring on a wild tour of furniture stores for the 2 hours immediately preceeding our trip to Panera. You had no control over the fact that my kids were so enamoured with the nude Greek statues' butt cracks at one of the stores that the sales lady would no longer help us. You wouldn't know how much fun a toddler can have with his hand up a statue's ass proclaiming "stinky in der, stinky in dat butt" loud enough for everyone to hear. It's also not your fault that the guy at Office Depot was parenting my children because I was too busy to notice that they were causing such a commotion in the empty office chair section. I wish you could have been there to tell him that we were the only customers in the entire store, and he should spend more time worrying about the grease collecting in his hair. I'm even willing to give you the benefit of the doubt when it comes to the 2 inches of your butt crack that was hanging out of your pants, and the back acne that was visible, well that wasn't your fault either. Maybe I could have chosen to ignore the fact that you were not even eating, but instead studying your infectious disease text book so loudly that I wasn't sure whether to go take the test for you or vomit in your lap.

All this aside, the one thing I must hold you accountable for is the fact that you blew your nose no less than 12 times in the 20 minutes we sat next to you. As much fun as it is listening to the copious amounts of snot evacuating your nasal cavities accompanied by an annoying goose-like honk, I must say you made our dinner an extremely unpleasant experience. Next time I'd ask that you either stay home, take a sinus pill or, at the very least, take your snot rockets to the restroom where expulsion of bodily fluids is welcomed and accommodated.
Thanks!

Check it out!!

2009-02-05T15:10:00.000-08:00

2 posts in one day!?? Yay for you!

I'm done stewing in my own self pity, well not really but I do think I'm done blogging about it anyway.
Here are some sites I've come across that I really like.

Suburban Turmoil
I just came across this blog this afternoon, but I really like her sense of humor and she links to alot of cool sites.

Suburban Turmoil Product reviews
This one should be pretty self explanatory, if not enroll yourself in the nearest GED program.

Create your own experience
Maybe I'm a bit partial to her because we seem to have a lot in common, but she has some cool links too.

Thoughts from a Liberal Mom
Living in the armpit of conservative America , this is the blog of my dreams.

Then, I found this Site Treehugger.com when I searched for articles about IKEA (Oh how I love thee) and its' green-ness. They post about 30 articles each day so there is plenty to keep you busy.

Snorg tees
because a plain t-shirt is just a waste of space!

Check this List Of The Day (LOTD) post. Somehow inappropriateness with balloon animals just seems so wrong on so many levels.

When I'm not feeling so lazy I'll put these on my sidebar. For now I have to go do some damage control. While cooking dinner, I set off 2 smoke detectors and burnt my finger, which led to some inappropriate language in front of tender little ears.

Sometimes it just sucks!

2009-02-05T09:44:00.000-08:00

I found out last night that the only way I can use the degree that I am working on right now is to be able to move away from Houston. I'm totally fine moving away from here, I like Houston, I've lived here all my life, but I don't feel any need to stay, especially since the chance to do what I want to do with my life exists elsewhere. The problem is this little thing that I call my family. For starters, my husband never wants to leave, he has his dream job here, he wants to work there forever. Honestly, he can't make near the money anywhere else. His skills aren't marketable anywhere but here. He loves this craphole house that I only agreed to buy because he promised we'd redo most of the bottom floor. He wants to retire here, in this ignorant armpit of a town, that I can hardly tolerate even on good days. Ick, ick ick. Then there are the kids, who I think would be able to survive a move even if they are in elementary school. I'd rather have kids that understand how big the world is, that know that we can exist outside of this place. Because of the kids I really really want to find a solution that will keep our family together, but it seems that it is a choice between who gets to be happy, who gets the life they want. Do we move so I can chase the career I want or do we stay so the hub can have the career he wants??? Who wins?
I am getting way ahead of myself since I have a few years before I will be done with school, and in the mean time I am hoping to come up with some sort of niche for myself here in Houston, but it is iffy at best. Then there is the issue of how I can even finish my degree with the lack of decent childcare where we are. Even the 'best' daycare here is only adequate, in my opinion. I have found a few good places but they are all out of my way by at least 20 minutes. Then there is the issue of dealing with the shift work schedule, coaching a little league team (not me, him), and being cub scout den leaders (both of us). Somewhere in there I am supposed to find time to study, attend class, write publishable articles, present at conferences, participate in some sort of assistantship, get all the household crap done (this one is, admittedly, with some help), exercise, maintain relationships, and be a mom to my kids ,all without completely losing my freaking mind.
I'm trying to be more productive, to make use of my time in an efficient manner, but there just isn't enough time in the day. I feel like I may explode.
The real kicker is that none of this even really matters. My kids are healthy, my husband is a great companion and he loves me to a fault, and we are living a comfortable lifestyle in a time that is very hard for so many people. I just can't find the happy place between, keeping it all in perspective and getting absolutely nothing accomplished.
I'm drowning.

Procrastination....

2009-02-04T07:41:00.000-08:00

I really hate to admit this because I used to pride myself on the way I always got things done in a timely manner but I have become a MAJOR procrastinator in my oldER age. When I was at UT, I would get all my syllabi on the first day of class and write down all the due dates for all my projects papers and tests, then I would move them all up by at least a week, so I would never feel stressed out and down to the wire. (does that mean I was a nerd?) Now I push things back until the last possible minute for no real reason other than I am being completely lazy. I do have moments of insight where I realize that every moment I waste is gone forever, but somehow I can't reason with myself. Instead of returning emails, studying, doing housework, and running errands I find that I am just much happier to mess with facebook, blogging and online (window) shopping.
Every now and then I think I will turn off my computer for a set amount of time just to see how much I can accomplish, but somehow I always end up sitting here. What a time suck!!
I guess I'll start now, right after I watch the anti-aging segment on the Today show and check my facebook!!!

Tuesday

2009-02-02T19:28:00.001-08:00

Ever since I entered the blogosphere a couple years ago, I have always been drawn to the more raw, real-life stories that so many people share via their blogs. I don't even know how I found my first 'sick baby blog', I'd almost bet it was during a post miscarriage google search frenzy, resulting from a desperate need to feel "normal" or just, at the very least, not alone in my experiences. Since then I have come across many stories of people dealing with hardships and grief, some seem to have an unshakable faith in a god or some other higher power, while others unabashedly admit to being absolutely pissed and resentful toward the unfairness of life (understandably so). Sometimes I feel guilty peeking into other people's lives without really being invited, but sometimes I can't help but be compelled to read their story. I'm always, always, always hoping for a happy ending.
The blogs that are started for some innocuous purpose but then shifted to an online prayer vigil after a devastating diagnosis, or accident, are the ones I am most drawn to. I have to read all the old posts until I come across that invisible line between before and after. As if I could find the switch that was flicked that changed everything for that family, that moment where it all went wrong, so that I might be able to avoid it myself. I guess I'm also desperately searching for ways in which these families differ from mine, so that I can continue to feel immune to whatever they are going through. So I can continue to exist as if it could never happen to me. Unfortunately, I have found without exception, that that switch, that difference, does not exist.
I wish I could say that reading these blogs helped me to remember how precious life is and how blessed I am to have everything I have today. Some days I do feel that way, but sometimes, some stories just strike me as so unfair, so ridiculously unimaginably unfair that there is just no making sense of them. It doesn't matter if you believe in God, Fate, Karma or all of the above, sometimes the human-ness of this life just sucks. Plain and simple.
I came across Tuesday's story this weekend sometime between cub-scouts and nap time. There are just no words.

Swagger (2 minutes you'll never get back)

2009-01-29T14:54:00.001-08:00

Slang is defined as A kind of language occurring chiefly in casual and playful speech, made up typically of short-lived coinages and figures of speech that are deliberately used in place of standard terms for added raciness, humor, irreverence, or other effect.

Swagger (as defined my Dictionary.com) (traditional use)
–verb (used without object)
1.to walk or strut with a defiant or insolent air.
2.to boast or brag noisily.–verb (used with object)
3.to bring, drive, force, etc., by blustering.–noun
4.swaggering manner, conduct, or walk; ostentatious display of arrogance and conceit.

Swagger (as defined by Urban dictionary.om) (slang use)
How one presents him or her self to the world. Swagger is shown from how the person handles a situation. It can also be shown in the person's walk.

It is hard to tell from up here on my high horse, but for all practical purposes these definitions are pretty much the same. According to my morning news, Swagger is now a slang term. If the term is being used in keeping with the traditional definition, it isn't slang, even if all the cool kids are saying it. Instead of teaching those of us with vocabularies larger than a third grader's the new "slang" term, we should be celebrating the fact that people with double digit IQ's know how to correctly use a two syllable word.

Why, you might ask, does all this matter?
Well, it doesn't. It just doesn't take much to annoy me and you had the misfortune of coming across this post.

Stay tuned for pictures of my close-encounter with a nutria rat.

In Memory of.....What!?!?!?

2009-01-27T05:59:00.000-08:00

Have you ever seen those "In Memory of (fill in the blank)" stickers on random cars out on the road? Those things drive me insane, for a couple reasons, not the least of which is that fact that I have serious issues for all things that (I deem) are stupid!! In my view when the words "In memory of" are part of some sort of memorial (obviously) it implies that something physical has been commissioned in the memory of a loved one, i.e. a headstone, a planted tree, a donation to charity or something, ANYTHING! When we see these stickers, are we to believe that the vehicle on which they are affixed was purchased in someone's memory? Could it be that they are saying "Ha! I bought this with the inheritance", or "My (so and so) died and all I got was this lousy car"? Or is it the sticker itself that has been commissioned in loving memory of whomever? Now I know my hatred for most vanity-type bumper stickers may be clouding my judgement on the matter (don't get me started on the stick figure family stickers), but if someone commissioned a sticker in my memory, I may have to rise from the ashes to haunt the hose bag who paid money for said sticker.

Going Green

2009-01-22T08:58:00.001-08:00

I get made fun of ALOT for trying to be green. Just so you know I was recycling before it was the cool thing to do, and I have never, would never, own a t-shirt that says something to the effect of "I'm cool because I recycle". I do buy organic when I can, I take reusable bags to the grocery store, I use eco-friendly cleaning products, not the pseudo eco-friendly ones. I do my homework, I look into companies that claim to be green, to make sure they are, before I patronize them.

In the spirit of full disclosure the irony of my green-ness is that everything I purchase is paid for with the money my husband makes working for an oil refinery, and is transported in my tank of an SUV. Hey, I am doing what I can.

My next green project is gardening. I'm sure I will find this to be quite challenging because although I have managed to keep my 3 children alive, no other living creature has survived long in my house (or my back yard). My raised bed garden will be all organic. I am building a leaf mold compost pile, and making a worm bin for kitchen refuse compost. I haven't nailed down all the details, but I will take pictures of the progress and post here along the way. As if life wasn't busy enough!

Here are two websites I just found.
Blue Avocado This company is based in Austin. I ordered some of these last night. They are affordable and much more versatile than the bags sold at the grocery store.

Laundry Tree I ordered the trial size soap nut kit, to see if I like how it works in our laundry. If it works well this could be a great way to save money and be green at the same time. No more purchasing detergents in plastic containers.

Resolutions

2009-01-21T07:36:00.001-08:00

I have often heard that it takes three weeks of doing something for it to become a habit. Since today marks the end of the first 3 weeks of 2009, any new year's resolutions begun on Jan 1st should be habit by now, right???? I'm not so sure if the 3 week rule applies to New Year's resolutions because so many resolutions revolve around issues we've been unsuccessful in dealing with in the past. I want to lose weight, I want to save money, I want to eat healthier, etc. etc. Setting such general goals, sets us up for failure from the start because as soon as you perceive that you haven't lost the weight, saved the money, or whatever, it is chalked up as another failure.

"Oh well, I'll try again next year"

This is the first year I have ever made any resolutions because I have always assumed I'd fail to meet my own expectations. I wasn't remarkably creative with the resolutions I came up with, but I tried to be very specific.

Instead of "I want to lose weight" I resolved to lose 5 lbs a month. If I fail this month I can still succeed next month.

Instead of "I want to save money" I resolved to stop buying to-go drinks every time I run errands. I had calculated that I was spending about $100.00 a month driving through to buy myself a drink 2 times per day.

Instead of "I want to be more thoughtful" I resolved to try to acknowledge everyone's birthday this year with a card or a phone call. I am falling behind on this since my Grandpa's birthday has already passed, but that is what they make "be-lated" cards for right!?

Finally, instead of "I want to get in better shape" I resolved to run 3, 5k's and 1 half marathon during this calendar year. My first 5K is on Mar 7th and I have recruited about 10 people to do it with me so there is no backing out now!!!

I guess only time will tell if I am able to be firm in my resolve and accomplish the goals I set for myself. If not, there is always next year.

Love and Marriage

2009-01-18T05:24:00.000-08:00

I just 'celebrated' my 10 year wedding anniversary, by celebrated I mean the day came and went and we acknowledged it with a quick dinner at a decent restaurant. Not quite the pomp and circumstance I imagined for my 10th anniversary, but then again being married hasn't turned out like I'd imagined either.

Coming from a family where people can barely count the number of their marriages on one hand (some need both hands), I never really had an example of what a successful marriage looks like. What I always saw was, when it starts to suck, you leave!!! Having been married to the same man that I both love and, at times, despise, I can say that sometimes it does suck. Sometimes the responsibilities of life can knock the wind out of any romance we might experience. How do you lust after a man whose leaves traces of his ball powder all over the floor, or whose pee you have to wipe off the toilet because his aim was off? I'm sure that goes both ways , though I can't imagine what I might do wrong!

Sometimes we are more different than we are alike, sometimes we are just putting up with each other to get through the day. In the end it does seem like we like each other more than we don't, and we always have things to talk about. We may not agree with, or even understand, each other's positions on many of life's issues, but there is still a mutual respect that keeps us where we are. I guess that is more important that the little things, like the fact that he would much rather rent movies at home and I want to live at the theater, and he thinks camping is a vacation and I'm more into spas and facials. In the end if it turns out that the little things are, in fact, more important, I can always turn to chocolate and a good vibrator to keep me company!!!

Pieces of Heaven

2009-01-10T20:26:00.000-08:00

Though I don't believe in heaven, I think I may have found something close to it right here in Houston. I recently took my family to the chocolate bar. No it isn't a new place, I'm just slow on the uptake. I have heard about this place through the grapevine for a few years now, but boredom finally motivated me to make the drive to see what it was all about.

When you walk in, the smell sends you into an olfactory overload, and once you recover from that you may need to take a seat once you see all the glorious treats awaiting your perusal. Between the 5 of us we tried the espresso ice cream, night and day ice cream and the creamy dreamy truffle ice cream. This stuff is so rich, the smallest size was plenty. I also had a toffee coffee, a milk chocolate cinnamon toast crunch cluster and some chocolate covered popcorn.

I am, by no means, a candy snob. My favorite candy is Milk Duds, not exactly something to go bragging about to any foodie friends, but if I had to choose between never experiencing the chocolate bar again and losing the ability to reach orgasm, I would, at the very least, have to weigh my options.

The Tundo on the Track

2009-01-10T19:42:00.001-08:00

Running a 5-K has been on my "to do" for at least 5 years, I think it may finally be time to get off my ass and just do it. I have registered for a 5k scheduled for March 7th (8 weeks and counting) I started "training" last week, using the couch to 5-K training schedule, we'll just see how it goes.

I have romantic images of myself as a runner, none of which include the chub-rub or stress incontinence that actually comes along with an overweight 30-something pounding it out for a mile or so.

In my fantasy, my svelt, muscular legs glide past one another as I effortlessly complete a 3 mile run.

In reality my ass cheeks continue to shake like Jello for several seconds after my foot has hit the ground, I am panting like an asthmatic hooker, the friction between my thighs could solve the climate crisis and I've probably peed in my pants just a little bit. Not to mention that flatus beomes an issue, to the point where I almost feel guilty for the other runners in my immediate environment.

All this after only 1 mile.

Maybe one day I'll become the runner I imagine myself to be, but for now I'm happy being the tundo on the track.

But everybody is doing it......

2009-01-10T19:15:00.000-08:00

I am the first to admit that I have a blogging problem, but knowing is only half the battle. I start blogs, I delete blogs, I start new blogs, I get a few hate mails, then I delete them again. This is my third attempt at blogging and I am not even sure why I am here anyway. I am annoyed by the fact that everyone I know has a blog. Even people with absolutely NOTHING to say. It all ends up sounding like the same regurgitated gushiness and is about as appealing as day old oatmeal or the litter box after an extended vacation. There will be little, to no, overemotional rhetoric here. I love my kids, but I do not exist solely for the pupose of mothering them, I don't have a great cause for which I need to raise awareness, I know you don't (or shouldn't) care about the random happenings of my family, and I'm not going to try to drag you along on some personal journey to accomplish a meaningless goal (I tried that once, hence the hatemail). I really just need to write. This is the place where my words can come out to play, read them or not, here they come!!!