My Ex-New BFF!

So I lied a few posts ago when I said my next post would be about my new best friend (who I met at Walmart). Mostly because I just forgot, see what a good best friend I am?

Anyway..... So I went to Walmart a couple weeks ago, which is something I rarely do because I LOATHE Walmart and anyone who shops there. I can't even remember what compelled me to go there, but whatever. As I walked down one of the aisles this really pretty lady came up to me with the original "Wow three boys!" comment. I gave her my standard, "yep, lucky me" response and planned to move on so I could quickly remove myself from the filth pit some people call a store. She kept talking to me, asking me if I ever sleep, if I'm always tired, how I do it, etc. etc. I'm not one to shy away from someone giving me props for living my daily life so I was being nice. I hadn't found her annoying yet.
At one point I began to wonder if this is how people make friends. I probably should give a little background in my social abilities....I have none. I have literally never made a new friend that wasn't someone who wasn't forced to be near me due to some other circumstance, school, work, neighborhood, etc. I occasionally win someone over after they've exhausted all their escape options, but this lady, she was interested in me. I wasn't even trying that hard and she was still talking. Maybe this is what popular people feel like, people just stopping them and asking to be their friend. Yes I could get used to this. I started to engage in a hazy dream sequence about how, 20 years from now, we'd tell our kids how we just bumped into each other at Walmart and had been best friends ever since. But, just as we were skipping through a field of daisies together, my fantasies were rudely interrupted, by my new potential bff.
"So are you married to teaching?"
wait,

WHAT?

Seriously?

If she was gonna be my bff she needed to listen a little better and get used to my bitchy sarcasm, "well since, as I told you, I'm about 1/3 of the way through a doctorate in the field, I'd say, yep I'm pretty married to it!"

"Oh, I see, have you ever thought about keeping your options open?"

"what?"

"Well I've met a lot of teachers who are also looking for a way to make extra money"

"well I'm not exactly a sales person, and the only sales party I'd be willing to have is a Passion party", and that would be for the free dildo's, and really how many dildos can one person have?

"no no that isn't what I meant. I'm in the financial industry and the teachers I've recruited do really well once they are up and going."

I told her I wasn't interested between quite sobs of grief, she didn't want to be my friend, she needed someone below her on the pyramid. She then asked for my cell number and I gave my standard fake number. I thought she was happy enough to leave me alone and I was getting away from her lethal grip, BUT my son, my sweet pain in the ass of a son says,
"Mom, that is not your cell phone number!!!! Its ########." Did you mix up our phone numbers on purpose? Are you trying to trick that lady?"
Now my son and my ex/new bff were just looking at me, one with genuine confusion the other with a bit of annoyance. So, I did what any self respecting loser would do, "Um yeah, I gotta go", and walked away a little faster than necessary, paid for my stuff and made sure no one followed me to the car.
I guess my old friends are stuck with me, all two of them.

Cocoon

As my stay at home mom days come to a rapid close I find myself feeling more and more unsettled. I knew this was coming, but knowing something is going to happen doesn't equal preparation for it. When I am alone (usually in the car) I imagine this new sense of empowerment I am going to feel when I get to explore this whole other side of me, professional working me, and I really start to look forward to it. Other times something as small as a sigh from my two year sets me off and I think I am making the worst mistake imaginable. I know everyone will be okay, I know this will be good for me and subsequently for my family, but getting from here to there is torture. I keep waiting for a new version of myself to emerge, the person I always assumed I'd become once I was no longer mostly just a mom who does a few other things. The thing that ends up feeling the most shocking is that I'm not starting to feel different, I'm not starting to feel like less of a mom. I'm starting to feel like more of myself, which is something I didn't realize I was missing. I know how cliche it sounds, but it really is how I'm feeling. No I haven't completely lost myself, but when all your days are spent as only the caretaker for your children, squelching some of the "me-ness" is a survival tactic. Otherwise the more mundane aspects of motherhood would be too much to deal with. I do know that I will miss some of the good stuff, but I'm not delusional enough to believe that I haven't been missing some of it all along. I'm just not good with major life changes, they usually send me into a mild (at least) depression, but I am determined not to let that happen this time. I'm fighting the urge to stay in the cocoon of my bed until the day I leave to go to work for the first time. In some moments it really is overwhelming...
I'm just taking each day as it comes, and really just trying to soak the rest of it all in!

On the Verge

I'm starting to feel like I'm in some weird movie sequence where I am standing still and the rest of the world is a complete blur around me. I'm waiting to get re-engaged in my life again, but for now I'm just not dialed in.

For starters, this doctoral program is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I have brief moments where I really feel like I will accomplish this goal, but most of the time it just feels insurmountable.

Then there is my two year old, who is quite possibly the biggest pain in the ass kid that has ever lived in this house. I am so glad he is cute because that is the ONLY thing that is saving him from being placed in a shipping crate and getting mailed to outer Cambodia.

Then there is this whole work situation. I can't even begin to tell you what a failure I feel like being completely unwanted in my hometown school district. I am making one last feeble attempt at getting employed here, but I'm not expecting too much to come of it.

Isn't it fun listening to me complain? Let me try to make up for it...
Here is a link I found on the List of The Day Blog. If you're at work don't click on it, it's jewelry and pillows sculpted to look like vulva's and other female parts. I mean really, is a pillow shaped to look like a giant pu$$y really an inconspicous place to hide your dildo? I found the pendants rather disturbing too, but I am happy that I found my brother-in-law's belated birthday present there. =)

Next time I'm gonna tell you about my new bff (who I met this week at WalMart).

BIG issues.

If you've been reading you already know that I have issues. One of which is the fact that the diameter of my ass is bigger than I would like. When you combine this with the fact that I am 6' tall it's not a far stretch to use a Mack truck reference as a descriptor of yours truly. My weight, has always been an issue for me, even when I was skinny, but in my years staying home with my kids I have watched my waistline do the inevitable upwards climb. Now that I am going back to work, I'm really trying to get into a smaller size just because no matter how cute the clothes are, there is a certain point that everything starts to look tent-ish.
Tonight I stopped in at the local Big Gals R'us to see if I could get something new to wear for, what I hope is, my final interview tomorrow. Looking over the racks, I found it increasingly difficult to find anything that looked even remotely professional. You should know there are a few hidden, though universal, rules for fat girl clothes.

Rule 1. Big girls have big boobs which should be shown off at all costs. I guess it's the "flaunt what you got philosophy", but seriously, squeezing my boobs together and shoving them in your face is a pathetic way to avert your eyes from my hips.

Rule 2. Ruffles, Sequins, Collars and sleeves, the bigger and more copious the better. I think this may be used for distraction as well, but if you walk in to any fat lady store you cannot avoid all the embellishments all over everything. Its like a pirate ship full of rhinestones exploded in there. Again, I can't always buy into this look, it just makes me feel ridiculous. "Hey you could look at my fat rolls, but not if I can hypnotize you with my sequins and wizard sleeves first!"

Rule 3. Sassy music is a must. This one I find the most offensive, its like some kind of fat girl mind control. I can just imagine the board meeting where the soundtrack, full of upbeat tunes about how I'm better off without your love or how I am the life of the party, was decided upon.
CEO: You know the big girls aren't buying enough, what to do, what to do?
Eager employee # 1: If there was only some way to make them feel like they have control of their lives, since society tells them they are worthless and ugly.hmmmmmmmmm???
Eager employee #2: Oh Oh I know!!!! We need to set the mood with some sassy music, so when they are trying on the clothes they get a false sense of power and a boost in self-esteem.
Eager employee #1: Perfect!!! That way when they are dancing around in all this shit full of sequins and ruffles and over sized collars they won't just feel like ridiculous pirate hookers, they'll feel sexy and confident....

Well I'm not sure if that is exactly how the conversation went, but it seems like it may be in the ballpark!
Needless to say, I left empty handed, because unless the principal, I'm interviewing with, is a big pirate or cleavage fan, I wasn't likley to increase my chances of a job offer. I guess I'm gonna have to buckle down if I'm gonna have more options for work clothes in 5 weeks, until then I'll stick to my 1 professional outfit and my biggest loser dvd's....sigh!

Bloggy Blahs

I haven't blogged much lately, partly because I was really busy with school, but mostly because I've just felt kind of blah lately. There is probably nothing less interesting to read than a pointless blog post written by a an uninspired blogger, so I've been sparing you for the last several weeks. Honestly, I don't even know why I blog. I really have nothing of interest to say, I'm not interested in a trying to fill my blog full of advertisements to make extra change, and I'm not about to fill the pages full of the mundane details of my family life, after all that has been done, and done and done again. In the spirit of full disclosure, I'm a little embarrassed that I even blog in the first place. It's just so......trendy, something I've never been accused of being....But every time I think of hitting the delete button I just can't do it. So I'm here and if you get bored please feel free to exercise your right to click on the "X" in the upper right hand corner.
The job saga continues, but I do have a job available for the taking, but I'm still interviewing and hoping for lightening to strike. I'm supposed to be sad that I am abandoning my family to go back to work, but I'm not. I can't wait to get out of this house. I think I might literally be going crazy. I do get a little sad that I will be giving away some of my parental duties, some are moving over to my husband (don't get me started on this), and some will be going to my 2 yr old's babysitter, but I'm not sad enough not to do it. Hopefully I'll know more by the end of this week, until then I'm just to...eh to blog about anything.

part 2

Scroll down if you missed the first part of this little story (I'm too lazy to put the link in here).

About an hour after my response to Principal Bitchface I received a phone call from her. She was full of apologies and started saying something about how God was giving her her "come uppence".

Gotta love the way some people throw God around. No you moron, I'm sure your God was dealing with real problems while he let you muddle around in your own stupidity. I'm sorry but being too stupid to use email does not equal God.....

She promised that she would only give me good reviews from here on out and that if she had a position at her school she would hire me on the spot....

(thanks but I think I'll pass).

I was too nice, I even felt bad for her being so stupid, I should have jumped at the chance to say a few things to her, but I didn't and now the opportunity has passed.
I did end up getting an interview from the principal who may or may not have gotten an earful about how much I suck. It was for a first grade position which isn't my first choice. Though I probably would have taken it to be close to my own kids. A week after that interview I finally received this email.

I am so sorry that it has taken so long to get back with you about the first grade position at our school. We had a long list of applicants and we wanted to make sure that we allowed everyone an opportunity to meet with us. We want you to know that we enjoyed meeting with you and were very impressed with all that you have to offer. It is obvious that you are passionate about teaching children and making a difference in their lives. However, we have decided to offer the position to another applicant at this time. We would like to keep your application on file for future reference should we have another position come available.
We wish you the best of luck in your search for a new teaching position. You are an amazing applicant and will be a definite asset to the school you choose to team with. If I can ever be of any assistance to you, please do not hesitate to contact me.
Take care-

Depressing, right? I know it is a form letter, but really I would much rather be a "sucky person who has no business around small children" over an "amazing applicant" that just wasn't good enough for them. Who writes this bs, I mean really? I'm not completely sure that this was a legitimate job offer to begin with. It very well could have been a c.y.a interview to help out Principal Bitchface since she had gotten herself in a bit of a pickle with the illegal job reference and all.......who knows?

Stay tuned for more. There is a happy ending

of course "happy" is extremely dependant on where I happen to fall on the hormone spectrum on any given day.

Interviews, Emails and Rejection. part 1

Over the last two weeks I have really amped up my efforts to gain employment, turning my lackadaisical attitude into one of total determination. The reality of the ever shrinking numbers on my husband's paycheck helped to light the fire in me to find a way to bring more cash into the house. Back in the old days when his pay went down we just cut way back on our living expenses, but now that our kids are older, and more expensive on their own, I don't want the ebbs and flows of the economy to interfere with their activities. On top of that I am really ready to get back into the mix, even if that does cause me much maternal conflict.
If I am being totally honest, I am not a dream candidate, my job history is skitter scattered around my stay at home mom years, and I've never really stayed in one position long enough to get off of a probationary contract (usually 3 years is the minimum). No matter how impressed any school might be about my education (I can't tell for sure if they care or not) the fact that I am all theory and no (or very little) practice means that I am a risk.
The school district that I really wanted to work in advises applicants not to contact school principals because it just gets "too overwhelming" for them. So imagine my dismay upon discovering that they are only giving interviews to applicants who make personal contact with them..hmmmmmmmm?!?!?!?!?! I sat at my computer for an entire day customizing emails to all the schools I'd hoped to possibly work for, remembering to attach my resume most of the time. I only addressed one female as a "Mr." so all in all I felt pretty good about my effort. At that point I thought I'd just sit back and wait for them to come begging......
Cue the crickets........................................
I have always been granted an interview once I'd turned in an application, so not hearing from even one principal in a period of 2 months of it being on file and then after a few weeks after making "personal contact" was only slightly discouraging. Then a small clue to my lack of success landed in my inbox in the form of an email that was never intended to come to me. It was from my former principal, who assured me that she would give nothing but rave reviews on my behalf
It read:(names have been changed to protect the innocent and the bitchy)

She is smart, calm, and easy going. Almost too easy going. Very low key and low energy level. She had a tendency to be negative if the people around her were negative. She didn't start it, didn't cause any problems, or wasn't a drama queen, but she doesn't stay away from it either. She was a special ed teacher for us and she was paired with a nasty, opinionated special ed teacher that was used to home schooling her kids. The other teacher is Fred so and so's wife. I can't remember her last name. I think a lot of people in our district know Fred. Anyway, Suburban Psychotic may be too low key for you, but she may be a pretty good teacher.

Two faced Lying Bitch
Principal
Dill Weed Elementary

Well holy mother of Mike, who in their right mind would grant such a candidate an interview???? I won't even bring up the fact that offering such personal opinions in a job reference are illegal in my state, though I guess I just did.
I had no idea how to react, so I replied as diplomatically as I possibly could. The yellow is obviously personal commentary that was not inlcuded in the actual email

Dearest Bitchface liar,
Did you mean to send this to me? If so, I do appreciate your honesty. (even though I think you're a hooker who wears too much make up)
I'm not sure how to respond except to say that the year I worked at Dill Weed Elementary was very difficult for me in my personal life, my husband was not working due to a severe back injury and I had two jobs and two small children to care for at the time. I was purposely "low key" because my partner (who is still my very good friend and was only disliked because she called everyone out on their bullshit) and my department head(who did not do her job, but was best friends with the building admin)hated each other. I did my best to focus on the students so as to stay out of the drama and negativity that was inescapable.
I did think I left on good terms (mostly because you told me two months ago that you remembered me fondly) and was hopeful to come back to the district (but I guess I can bend over and kiss that dream goodbye).
Like I said, I do appreciate your honesty (even though it seems to be a relatively new concept for you).
Thanks,
Suburban Psychotic

You'll have to wait for my next post to find out how all this ended up...