Welcome to The Week of Suck, Dec 26- Dec 31, No it doesn't mean what my husband wishes it did, but rather, it's quite possibly the worst week of the entire year because everything, well, sucks.
Christmas is over, and even if you weren't let down by lame gifts, whiny kids and asshole relatives, the exhale from all the Christmas anticipation is rather high on the suck list. Add to that the fake merriment of the impending new year, which I'm sorry, is just a lot of fuss over nothing in particular, and the upcoming month of January with weather that is mostly crappy and cold and you have a recipe for a pretty crappy few days.
Rather high my list of reason why the week after Xmas sucks is all the talk of new year's resolutions. I mean really, goals that begin on some symbolic date that we have senselessly attached way too much meaning to, are no more accomplishable (did I just make up a word?) than goals that begin on any other arbitrary date. Why are so many of us so willing to subscribe to such a stupid ritual??? Well I don't have the answer to that, but I'm sure if you go back 12 months on this blog you will see that I set some resolutions this past Jan. and well, since I can't even remember what they were I guess I don't have to tell you how successful I was in achieving them..... Maybe I'm bitter, maybe I am using sarcasm to hide the disappointment I feel about not achieving the goals I set for myself, maybe I'm getting crotchety in my old age, or maybe I'm just practical and straightforward about my own participation in something that I see as pointless.
Nevertheless, I will once again attempt to, try to, resolve to make changes in myself, if not for any other reason that to try to participate more fully in this human experience....
As for what my resolutions will be, well I'll have to get back to you on that one, but rest assured, I will.... I know you will be on the edge of your seat until then.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
oops!
So I started my new job yesterday, somehow I think I didn't exactly make the best first impression, although I'm sure many of my new "friends" aren't likely to forget me.
To give a little back ground, over the last few years I've developed a "nervous stomach" which means that I'm basically a gastronomical bio hazard when I get stressed. On top of that, last Sat. night I drank ENTIRELY too much beer, which often leads to what we so lovingly refer to as "the beer shits"!
So just in case you missed it , Stress=an urgent bad poo, beer=a really bad poo.
I can't say that my first day was stressful, but I guess my colon hadn't gotten the message that everything was gonna be okay. About 2 hours or so into my first training I decided it was a good time to sneak into the restroom to drop a quick deuce (sorry there is just NO WAY to say that politely). Of course my colon took this opportunity to seek its revenge on me for my weekend's overindulgence and what followed was quite possibly the most vile bathroom experience of my life. Lucky for me the instructor decided to call a break time for the entire meeting which led to a crowd control situation in the ladies room. Yes, the room I'd just filled with a dense green fog despite my frenzied attempts at courtesy flushes. I was stuck, everyone saw me leave the meeting and head to the restroom, I knew everyone could smell what I'd been up to. Really I just wanted to die, but with a line forming outside the stalls and no magical cloaking device at the ready, I had no choice but to unlatch the stall door and commence the walk of shame to the sinks. I avoided eye contact at all costs and went to sit back down in the meeting room, only to find out that my section of the training was over and I was free to go home.
To give a little back ground, over the last few years I've developed a "nervous stomach" which means that I'm basically a gastronomical bio hazard when I get stressed. On top of that, last Sat. night I drank ENTIRELY too much beer, which often leads to what we so lovingly refer to as "the beer shits"!
So just in case you missed it , Stress=an urgent bad poo, beer=a really bad poo.
I can't say that my first day was stressful, but I guess my colon hadn't gotten the message that everything was gonna be okay. About 2 hours or so into my first training I decided it was a good time to sneak into the restroom to drop a quick deuce (sorry there is just NO WAY to say that politely). Of course my colon took this opportunity to seek its revenge on me for my weekend's overindulgence and what followed was quite possibly the most vile bathroom experience of my life. Lucky for me the instructor decided to call a break time for the entire meeting which led to a crowd control situation in the ladies room. Yes, the room I'd just filled with a dense green fog despite my frenzied attempts at courtesy flushes. I was stuck, everyone saw me leave the meeting and head to the restroom, I knew everyone could smell what I'd been up to. Really I just wanted to die, but with a line forming outside the stalls and no magical cloaking device at the ready, I had no choice but to unlatch the stall door and commence the walk of shame to the sinks. I avoided eye contact at all costs and went to sit back down in the meeting room, only to find out that my section of the training was over and I was free to go home.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
My Ex-New BFF!
So I lied a few posts ago when I said my next post would be about my new best friend (who I met at Walmart). Mostly because I just forgot, see what a good best friend I am?
Anyway..... So I went to Walmart a couple weeks ago, which is something I rarely do because I LOATHE Walmart and anyone who shops there. I can't even remember what compelled me to go there, but whatever. As I walked down one of the aisles this really pretty lady came up to me with the original "Wow three boys!" comment. I gave her my standard, "yep, lucky me" response and planned to move on so I could quickly remove myself from the filth pit some people call a store. She kept talking to me, asking me if I ever sleep, if I'm always tired, how I do it, etc. etc. I'm not one to shy away from someone giving me props for living my daily life so I was being nice. I hadn't found her annoying yet.
At one point I began to wonder if this is how people make friends. I probably should give a little background in my social abilities....I have none. I have literally never made a new friend that wasn't someone who wasn't forced to be near me due to some other circumstance, school, work, neighborhood, etc. I occasionally win someone over after they've exhausted all their escape options, but this lady, she was interested in me. I wasn't even trying that hard and she was still talking. Maybe this is what popular people feel like, people just stopping them and asking to be their friend. Yes I could get used to this. I started to engage in a hazy dream sequence about how, 20 years from now, we'd tell our kids how we just bumped into each other at Walmart and had been best friends ever since. But, just as we were skipping through a field of daisies together, my fantasies were rudely interrupted, by my new potential bff.
"So are you married to teaching?"
wait,
WHAT?
Seriously?
If she was gonna be my bff she needed to listen a little better and get used to my bitchy sarcasm, "well since, as I told you, I'm about 1/3 of the way through a doctorate in the field, I'd say, yep I'm pretty married to it!"
"Oh, I see, have you ever thought about keeping your options open?"
"what?"
"Well I've met a lot of teachers who are also looking for a way to make extra money"
"well I'm not exactly a sales person, and the only sales party I'd be willing to have is a Passion party", and that would be for the free dildo's, and really how many dildos can one person have?
"no no that isn't what I meant. I'm in the financial industry and the teachers I've recruited do really well once they are up and going."
I told her I wasn't interested between quite sobs of grief, she didn't want to be my friend, she needed someone below her on the pyramid. She then asked for my cell number and I gave my standard fake number. I thought she was happy enough to leave me alone and I was getting away from her lethal grip, BUT my son, my sweet pain in the ass of a son says,
"Mom, that is not your cell phone number!!!! Its ########." Did you mix up our phone numbers on purpose? Are you trying to trick that lady?"
Now my son and my ex/new bff were just looking at me, one with genuine confusion the other with a bit of annoyance. So, I did what any self respecting loser would do, "Um yeah, I gotta go", and walked away a little faster than necessary, paid for my stuff and made sure no one followed me to the car.
I guess my old friends are stuck with me, all two of them.
Anyway..... So I went to Walmart a couple weeks ago, which is something I rarely do because I LOATHE Walmart and anyone who shops there. I can't even remember what compelled me to go there, but whatever. As I walked down one of the aisles this really pretty lady came up to me with the original "Wow three boys!" comment. I gave her my standard, "yep, lucky me" response and planned to move on so I could quickly remove myself from the filth pit some people call a store. She kept talking to me, asking me if I ever sleep, if I'm always tired, how I do it, etc. etc. I'm not one to shy away from someone giving me props for living my daily life so I was being nice. I hadn't found her annoying yet.
At one point I began to wonder if this is how people make friends. I probably should give a little background in my social abilities....I have none. I have literally never made a new friend that wasn't someone who wasn't forced to be near me due to some other circumstance, school, work, neighborhood, etc. I occasionally win someone over after they've exhausted all their escape options, but this lady, she was interested in me. I wasn't even trying that hard and she was still talking. Maybe this is what popular people feel like, people just stopping them and asking to be their friend. Yes I could get used to this. I started to engage in a hazy dream sequence about how, 20 years from now, we'd tell our kids how we just bumped into each other at Walmart and had been best friends ever since. But, just as we were skipping through a field of daisies together, my fantasies were rudely interrupted, by my new potential bff.
"So are you married to teaching?"
wait,
WHAT?
Seriously?
If she was gonna be my bff she needed to listen a little better and get used to my bitchy sarcasm, "well since, as I told you, I'm about 1/3 of the way through a doctorate in the field, I'd say, yep I'm pretty married to it!"
"Oh, I see, have you ever thought about keeping your options open?"
"what?"
"Well I've met a lot of teachers who are also looking for a way to make extra money"
"well I'm not exactly a sales person, and the only sales party I'd be willing to have is a Passion party", and that would be for the free dildo's, and really how many dildos can one person have?
"no no that isn't what I meant. I'm in the financial industry and the teachers I've recruited do really well once they are up and going."
I told her I wasn't interested between quite sobs of grief, she didn't want to be my friend, she needed someone below her on the pyramid. She then asked for my cell number and I gave my standard fake number. I thought she was happy enough to leave me alone and I was getting away from her lethal grip, BUT my son, my sweet pain in the ass of a son says,
"Mom, that is not your cell phone number!!!! Its ########." Did you mix up our phone numbers on purpose? Are you trying to trick that lady?"
Now my son and my ex/new bff were just looking at me, one with genuine confusion the other with a bit of annoyance. So, I did what any self respecting loser would do, "Um yeah, I gotta go", and walked away a little faster than necessary, paid for my stuff and made sure no one followed me to the car.
I guess my old friends are stuck with me, all two of them.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Cocoon
As my stay at home mom days come to a rapid close I find myself feeling more and more unsettled. I knew this was coming, but knowing something is going to happen doesn't equal preparation for it. When I am alone (usually in the car) I imagine this new sense of empowerment I am going to feel when I get to explore this whole other side of me, professional working me, and I really start to look forward to it. Other times something as small as a sigh from my two year sets me off and I think I am making the worst mistake imaginable. I know everyone will be okay, I know this will be good for me and subsequently for my family, but getting from here to there is torture. I keep waiting for a new version of myself to emerge, the person I always assumed I'd become once I was no longer mostly just a mom who does a few other things. The thing that ends up feeling the most shocking is that I'm not starting to feel different, I'm not starting to feel like less of a mom. I'm starting to feel like more of myself, which is something I didn't realize I was missing. I know how cliche it sounds, but it really is how I'm feeling. No I haven't completely lost myself, but when all your days are spent as only the caretaker for your children, squelching some of the "me-ness" is a survival tactic. Otherwise the more mundane aspects of motherhood would be too much to deal with. I do know that I will miss some of the good stuff, but I'm not delusional enough to believe that I haven't been missing some of it all along. I'm just not good with major life changes, they usually send me into a mild (at least) depression, but I am determined not to let that happen this time. I'm fighting the urge to stay in the cocoon of my bed until the day I leave to go to work for the first time. In some moments it really is overwhelming...
I'm just taking each day as it comes, and really just trying to soak the rest of it all in!
I'm just taking each day as it comes, and really just trying to soak the rest of it all in!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
On the Verge
I'm starting to feel like I'm in some weird movie sequence where I am standing still and the rest of the world is a complete blur around me. I'm waiting to get re-engaged in my life again, but for now I'm just not dialed in.
For starters, this doctoral program is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I have brief moments where I really feel like I will accomplish this goal, but most of the time it just feels insurmountable.
Then there is my two year old, who is quite possibly the biggest pain in the ass kid that has ever lived in this house. I am so glad he is cute because that is the ONLY thing that is saving him from being placed in a shipping crate and getting mailed to outer Cambodia.
Then there is this whole work situation. I can't even begin to tell you what a failure I feel like being completely unwanted in my hometown school district. I am making one last feeble attempt at getting employed here, but I'm not expecting too much to come of it.
Isn't it fun listening to me complain? Let me try to make up for it...
Here is a link I found on the List of The Day Blog. If you're at work don't click on it, it's jewelry and pillows sculpted to look like vulva's and other female parts. I mean really, is a pillow shaped to look like a giant pu$$y really an inconspicous place to hide your dildo? I found the pendants rather disturbing too, but I am happy that I found my brother-in-law's belated birthday present there. =)
Next time I'm gonna tell you about my new bff (who I met this week at WalMart).
For starters, this doctoral program is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I have brief moments where I really feel like I will accomplish this goal, but most of the time it just feels insurmountable.
Then there is my two year old, who is quite possibly the biggest pain in the ass kid that has ever lived in this house. I am so glad he is cute because that is the ONLY thing that is saving him from being placed in a shipping crate and getting mailed to outer Cambodia.
Then there is this whole work situation. I can't even begin to tell you what a failure I feel like being completely unwanted in my hometown school district. I am making one last feeble attempt at getting employed here, but I'm not expecting too much to come of it.
Isn't it fun listening to me complain? Let me try to make up for it...
Here is a link I found on the List of The Day Blog. If you're at work don't click on it, it's jewelry and pillows sculpted to look like vulva's and other female parts. I mean really, is a pillow shaped to look like a giant pu$$y really an inconspicous place to hide your dildo? I found the pendants rather disturbing too, but I am happy that I found my brother-in-law's belated birthday present there. =)
Next time I'm gonna tell you about my new bff (who I met this week at WalMart).
Monday, July 6, 2009
BIG issues.
If you've been reading you already know that I have issues. One of which is the fact that the diameter of my ass is bigger than I would like. When you combine this with the fact that I am 6' tall it's not a far stretch to use a Mack truck reference as a descriptor of yours truly. My weight, has always been an issue for me, even when I was skinny, but in my years staying home with my kids I have watched my waistline do the inevitable upwards climb. Now that I am going back to work, I'm really trying to get into a smaller size just because no matter how cute the clothes are, there is a certain point that everything starts to look tent-ish.
Tonight I stopped in at the local Big Gals R'us to see if I could get something new to wear for, what I hope is, my final interview tomorrow. Looking over the racks, I found it increasingly difficult to find anything that looked even remotely professional. You should know there are a few hidden, though universal, rules for fat girl clothes.
Rule 1. Big girls have big boobs which should be shown off at all costs. I guess it's the "flaunt what you got philosophy", but seriously, squeezing my boobs together and shoving them in your face is a pathetic way to avert your eyes from my hips.
Rule 2. Ruffles, Sequins, Collars and sleeves, the bigger and more copious the better. I think this may be used for distraction as well, but if you walk in to any fat lady store you cannot avoid all the embellishments all over everything. Its like a pirate ship full of rhinestones exploded in there. Again, I can't always buy into this look, it just makes me feel ridiculous. "Hey you could look at my fat rolls, but not if I can hypnotize you with my sequins and wizard sleeves first!"
Rule 3. Sassy music is a must. This one I find the most offensive, its like some kind of fat girl mind control. I can just imagine the board meeting where the soundtrack, full of upbeat tunes about how I'm better off without your love or how I am the life of the party, was decided upon.
CEO: You know the big girls aren't buying enough, what to do, what to do?
Eager employee # 1: If there was only some way to make them feel like they have control of their lives, since society tells them they are worthless and ugly.hmmmmmmmmm???
Eager employee #2: Oh Oh I know!!!! We need to set the mood with some sassy music, so when they are trying on the clothes they get a false sense of power and a boost in self-esteem.
Eager employee #1: Perfect!!! That way when they are dancing around in all this shit full of sequins and ruffles and over sized collars they won't just feel like ridiculous pirate hookers, they'll feel sexy and confident....
Well I'm not sure if that is exactly how the conversation went, but it seems like it may be in the ballpark!
Needless to say, I left empty handed, because unless the principal, I'm interviewing with, is a big pirate or cleavage fan, I wasn't likley to increase my chances of a job offer. I guess I'm gonna have to buckle down if I'm gonna have more options for work clothes in 5 weeks, until then I'll stick to my 1 professional outfit and my biggest loser dvd's....sigh!
Tonight I stopped in at the local Big Gals R'us to see if I could get something new to wear for, what I hope is, my final interview tomorrow. Looking over the racks, I found it increasingly difficult to find anything that looked even remotely professional. You should know there are a few hidden, though universal, rules for fat girl clothes.
Rule 1. Big girls have big boobs which should be shown off at all costs. I guess it's the "flaunt what you got philosophy", but seriously, squeezing my boobs together and shoving them in your face is a pathetic way to avert your eyes from my hips.
Rule 2. Ruffles, Sequins, Collars and sleeves, the bigger and more copious the better. I think this may be used for distraction as well, but if you walk in to any fat lady store you cannot avoid all the embellishments all over everything. Its like a pirate ship full of rhinestones exploded in there. Again, I can't always buy into this look, it just makes me feel ridiculous. "Hey you could look at my fat rolls, but not if I can hypnotize you with my sequins and wizard sleeves first!"
Rule 3. Sassy music is a must. This one I find the most offensive, its like some kind of fat girl mind control. I can just imagine the board meeting where the soundtrack, full of upbeat tunes about how I'm better off without your love or how I am the life of the party, was decided upon.
CEO: You know the big girls aren't buying enough, what to do, what to do?
Eager employee # 1: If there was only some way to make them feel like they have control of their lives, since society tells them they are worthless and ugly.hmmmmmmmmm???
Eager employee #2: Oh Oh I know!!!! We need to set the mood with some sassy music, so when they are trying on the clothes they get a false sense of power and a boost in self-esteem.
Eager employee #1: Perfect!!! That way when they are dancing around in all this shit full of sequins and ruffles and over sized collars they won't just feel like ridiculous pirate hookers, they'll feel sexy and confident....
Well I'm not sure if that is exactly how the conversation went, but it seems like it may be in the ballpark!
Needless to say, I left empty handed, because unless the principal, I'm interviewing with, is a big pirate or cleavage fan, I wasn't likley to increase my chances of a job offer. I guess I'm gonna have to buckle down if I'm gonna have more options for work clothes in 5 weeks, until then I'll stick to my 1 professional outfit and my biggest loser dvd's....sigh!
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Bloggy Blahs
I haven't blogged much lately, partly because I was really busy with school, but mostly because I've just felt kind of blah lately. There is probably nothing less interesting to read than a pointless blog post written by a an uninspired blogger, so I've been sparing you for the last several weeks. Honestly, I don't even know why I blog. I really have nothing of interest to say, I'm not interested in a trying to fill my blog full of advertisements to make extra change, and I'm not about to fill the pages full of the mundane details of my family life, after all that has been done, and done and done again. In the spirit of full disclosure, I'm a little embarrassed that I even blog in the first place. It's just so......trendy, something I've never been accused of being....But every time I think of hitting the delete button I just can't do it. So I'm here and if you get bored please feel free to exercise your right to click on the "X" in the upper right hand corner.
The job saga continues, but I do have a job available for the taking, but I'm still interviewing and hoping for lightening to strike. I'm supposed to be sad that I am abandoning my family to go back to work, but I'm not. I can't wait to get out of this house. I think I might literally be going crazy. I do get a little sad that I will be giving away some of my parental duties, some are moving over to my husband (don't get me started on this), and some will be going to my 2 yr old's babysitter, but I'm not sad enough not to do it. Hopefully I'll know more by the end of this week, until then I'm just to...eh to blog about anything.
The job saga continues, but I do have a job available for the taking, but I'm still interviewing and hoping for lightening to strike. I'm supposed to be sad that I am abandoning my family to go back to work, but I'm not. I can't wait to get out of this house. I think I might literally be going crazy. I do get a little sad that I will be giving away some of my parental duties, some are moving over to my husband (don't get me started on this), and some will be going to my 2 yr old's babysitter, but I'm not sad enough not to do it. Hopefully I'll know more by the end of this week, until then I'm just to...eh to blog about anything.
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