Disclaimer: I'm pretty sure this post is a result of PMS (other signs include a deep and fierce loathing for my husband, and farts that make the dog beg to go outside)
I have been working out like a maniac and eating "right" for the last 9 days. (My snoring has almost been eliminated, the only exception is the night I had one beer, which apparently sent me into sexy truck-driver mode for the rest of the night).
In the spirit of full disclosure, I did fall off the wagon while we watched Toy Story 3 last Friday, popcorn with milk-duds are a gift sent to me from heaven, it would be blasphemy to say no to them.
Despite my amazingly long commitment to healthy living, this morning, all I can think about are pancakes, fluffy, buttery, syrupy pancakes. I think if I had some right now I could reach a point of bliss never before seen from this vantage point. All good decisions be damned, I'm sorry to the Women Food and God author, I know that I am engaging in a compulsive behavior. I know I should take a moment to be present and to feel whatever it is I am trying to stifle with pancakes, but we are dealing with a force greater than all of us, PANCAKES!!!!
I know I should be strong, I should drink the protein shake that is sitting on the counter, BUT I really, truly believe that Pancakes are my destiny this morning, and really, who am I to interfere that???
footnote: have you ever met a skinny person who talks about food like this? me thinks not!
Monday, June 21, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
finishEd.D ?
Scaling back on my school hours may have been a mistake, or maybe it wasn't, I dunno. I need to be working on/finishing up my candidacy paper this summer, but I cannot seem to get motivated. Now all I can do is think of all the reasons why I don't want to go back to school, EVER.
1. I can't see what difference finishing up the doctoral program is going to make in my life. There would be more possibilities open to me, but I need to be mobile in order for that to be a reality. The hubs doesn't want to move, EVER, so .....?
2. I can't even answer the question, "so what are you gonna do with your doctorate?" mostly because I have NO IDEA.
3. Everyone else in the program just seems so much smarter, driven and more connected than I am, I feel like a fish out of water when I am around some of those people.
On the other hand, I am 30 hours into the program, and once I get my candidacy paper done, I'll be so painfully close to finishing. I've never quit a degree program, EVER, and I'm bored. I'm pretty sure I'll be back in school in the Fall, I just don't if I'll have a good reason why!!!
1. I can't see what difference finishing up the doctoral program is going to make in my life. There would be more possibilities open to me, but I need to be mobile in order for that to be a reality. The hubs doesn't want to move, EVER, so .....?
2. I can't even answer the question, "so what are you gonna do with your doctorate?" mostly because I have NO IDEA.
3. Everyone else in the program just seems so much smarter, driven and more connected than I am, I feel like a fish out of water when I am around some of those people.
On the other hand, I am 30 hours into the program, and once I get my candidacy paper done, I'll be so painfully close to finishing. I've never quit a degree program, EVER, and I'm bored. I'm pretty sure I'll be back in school in the Fall, I just don't if I'll have a good reason why!!!
Sunday, June 13, 2010
ZZZZZZZZZ
Well don't tell anybody but, apparently, allegedly (well not really allegedly since I have proof, but WHATEVER), I have started snoring....No big deal right????? WRONG. It totally grosses me out and embarrasses me (in front of whom I dunno). There are SOOOOOOOOOO many other things I'd rather do in my sleep like fart or masturbate or cluck like a freakin chicken, but snoring is for fat old guys with hair in their ears and socks that hit at mid-calf.
I know it's because of the fatness, its true, snoring is a symptom of being overweight. I would put a link here to prove it to, but you can google it yourself.....
Everyday I wake up and ask the hubs if I snored and the answer is always yes.
Some days I don't even have to ask because I remember several occasions of being poked or prodded to stop the offense.
Some nights when the hubs is not here, I record myself on my trusty iPhone to see if I engaged in this disgusting habit (I guess it isn't really a habit). Talk about gross and creepy, listen to a recording of yourself making a throat curdling, guttural sound while you were unconscious and see if you don't want to poke sharp things up your nose and slap yourself in the face. YUCK.
On the bright side, I have been sticking to an exercise plan ever since the snoring became a nightly event. My ass has been huge for a decade, my double chin has hung around for at least that long too, I've been shopping at the big girl store for 8 years, but none of that has motivated me to stick with any sort of weight loss program. Snoring, on the other hand, now I can't live with that. I'm obsessed to the point of insomnia. I'm typing this at 1:08 am because I can't sleep because I keep trying to catch myself in the act because snoring is so disgusting and vile and I refuse to participate. (so its a run-on, deal).
We'll see if I can nip this little problem in the bud, but until then I'll just engage in more self loathing over involuntary behaviors.
I know it's because of the fatness, its true, snoring is a symptom of being overweight. I would put a link here to prove it to, but you can google it yourself.....
Everyday I wake up and ask the hubs if I snored and the answer is always yes.
Some days I don't even have to ask because I remember several occasions of being poked or prodded to stop the offense.
Some nights when the hubs is not here, I record myself on my trusty iPhone to see if I engaged in this disgusting habit (I guess it isn't really a habit). Talk about gross and creepy, listen to a recording of yourself making a throat curdling, guttural sound while you were unconscious and see if you don't want to poke sharp things up your nose and slap yourself in the face. YUCK.
On the bright side, I have been sticking to an exercise plan ever since the snoring became a nightly event. My ass has been huge for a decade, my double chin has hung around for at least that long too, I've been shopping at the big girl store for 8 years, but none of that has motivated me to stick with any sort of weight loss program. Snoring, on the other hand, now I can't live with that. I'm obsessed to the point of insomnia. I'm typing this at 1:08 am because I can't sleep because I keep trying to catch myself in the act because snoring is so disgusting and vile and I refuse to participate. (so its a run-on, deal).
We'll see if I can nip this little problem in the bud, but until then I'll just engage in more self loathing over involuntary behaviors.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
I thought about you today
I thought about you today
for a moment I couldn't remember if you were ever really here.
I HATE that I can't begin to comprehend the world with you in it
would the pillows be as soft
would the thunder be as loud
would I smile more or less
if things had been different?
Thinking about you feels like a betrayal to a boy
the one who sleeps in the room that would have been yours
Not thinking of you feels like a betrayal
only to me...
I give you my sadness
my loss of control
you taught me surrender and how to let go
so now all the things that should hurt me just fall to the floor
I draw strength from knowing that I survived you, BUT
it feels convoluted because you were never here
it has been four years
I still lose my breath when you creep up from the back of my mind
everyday you slip through the tiniest of cracks
it isn't fair
I can't change anything
I can't make you go away
No amount of anything will change the outcome
I can't hold you
or watch you play sports
or kiss your cheek while you sleep
I can't even talk about you out loud
all I can do is remember all the things you'll never be
and what I'll never be for you
and that doesn't seem fair
but I thought you should know that
I thought about you today
for a moment I couldn't remember if you were ever really here.
I HATE that I can't begin to comprehend the world with you in it
would the pillows be as soft
would the thunder be as loud
would I smile more or less
if things had been different?
Thinking about you feels like a betrayal to a boy
the one who sleeps in the room that would have been yours
Not thinking of you feels like a betrayal
only to me...
I give you my sadness
my loss of control
you taught me surrender and how to let go
so now all the things that should hurt me just fall to the floor
I draw strength from knowing that I survived you, BUT
it feels convoluted because you were never here
it has been four years
I still lose my breath when you creep up from the back of my mind
everyday you slip through the tiniest of cracks
it isn't fair
I can't change anything
I can't make you go away
No amount of anything will change the outcome
I can't hold you
or watch you play sports
or kiss your cheek while you sleep
I can't even talk about you out loud
all I can do is remember all the things you'll never be
and what I'll never be for you
and that doesn't seem fair
but I thought you should know that
I thought about you today
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Top 7 Reasons why this weekend sucked balls...
I'm only doing 7 because 10 just feels whiny and a bit overdone....
7) Prolonged and in depth conversations about mushroom stamps. (I'm not even gonna link to the definition of this, google it for yourself)
6) 2 hours of sleep on Sat. night....bleh
5). A big party, that I'd even secured childcare to attend and I didn't feel well enough to drink or enjoy myself at all.
4) My newly neutered dog is having a ball sac problem, for which I am now taking 1/2 a day off work to find out how serious it is or isn't...(this will probably be it's own post soon, stay tuned)
3) My PC is dying a slow and painful death....
2) Drama, damaged relationships, and scared children...This WILL be its own post once I wrap my head around it.
1) Possibly, worst of all...My dumb ass DVR hasn't been recording any of my shows and I just figured it out Sat. night (see #6)
I know one day I'll be happy to have problems as simple and easily repaired as these, but for now....this weekend can SUCK IT.
7) Prolonged and in depth conversations about mushroom stamps. (I'm not even gonna link to the definition of this, google it for yourself)
6) 2 hours of sleep on Sat. night....bleh
5). A big party, that I'd even secured childcare to attend and I didn't feel well enough to drink or enjoy myself at all.
4) My newly neutered dog is having a ball sac problem, for which I am now taking 1/2 a day off work to find out how serious it is or isn't...(this will probably be it's own post soon, stay tuned)
3) My PC is dying a slow and painful death....
2) Drama, damaged relationships, and scared children...This WILL be its own post once I wrap my head around it.
1) Possibly, worst of all...My dumb ass DVR hasn't been recording any of my shows and I just figured it out Sat. night (see #6)
I know one day I'll be happy to have problems as simple and easily repaired as these, but for now....this weekend can SUCK IT.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Dear 20 year old me,
I know you think you know everything, and well you are pretty smart, but there are some things that I wish you knew:
* For starters, slow the fuck down, life is not a race. I think in your rush to prove to everyone that you are everything they thought you were, you forgot to live. This is IT, today, right now, if you aren't in it for this moment, then you FAIL.
* Enough with the 5 and 10 year life plans, goals are great to have, but not if they are the only things you have.
* Make mistakes, please please make mistakes and stop worrying about it, life is just more fun that way.
* There is no such thing as THE ONE. There is no love so destined to be that life will crumble if it doesn't work out. Relax it will be what it will be.
* Trust your instincts, they will be right more often than not
* Stop faking orgasms, seriously STOP IT, STUPID.
* Your boobs will NEVER be perfect, just say no to the implant (its gonna pop in like 2 years anyway)
* Motherhood will not come as naturally to you as you are expecting, but that is okay.
* You will get fat, but it won't be the big catastrophe that you're expecting...and your cellulite will still be minimal.
* Learn to recognize when a guy is hitting on you, if you don't you are going to, unwittingly, shut some interested parties out of your life.
* Don't pretend to be someone you're not, it will never make you happy.
* Don't be afraid to acknowledge the people who are holding you back, once you insert some distance there, you are going to learn more about yourself.
* Learn to embrace the awkward silence it will never go away.
* Self-doubt is an enemy that must be terminated.
* Your future step-sister...I know you think she is annoying and a bit delinquent, but she is gonna become one of your best friends...Really, it's true.
* Take pictures, don't be lazy about this or you'll be sorry.
* It will get easier to find shoes in your size, just be patient.
* You will be more comfortable in your own skin as you get older, until then fake the confidence that you are lacking.
* The friendships that you feel like you don't have right now, will come to you once you start to see people for who they really are. People do have so much more to offer than you realize.
* Some people just don't like you because you don't care that they don't like you. It isn't as confusing as you think it is.
* Learn to say those 3 little words..."I don't know"
* There will come a day when bald is the way of the beaver, stay strong...the bush will come back or at least I'm hopeful that it will....
* For starters, slow the fuck down, life is not a race. I think in your rush to prove to everyone that you are everything they thought you were, you forgot to live. This is IT, today, right now, if you aren't in it for this moment, then you FAIL.
* Enough with the 5 and 10 year life plans, goals are great to have, but not if they are the only things you have.
* Make mistakes, please please make mistakes and stop worrying about it, life is just more fun that way.
* There is no such thing as THE ONE. There is no love so destined to be that life will crumble if it doesn't work out. Relax it will be what it will be.
* Trust your instincts, they will be right more often than not
* Stop faking orgasms, seriously STOP IT, STUPID.
* Your boobs will NEVER be perfect, just say no to the implant (its gonna pop in like 2 years anyway)
* Motherhood will not come as naturally to you as you are expecting, but that is okay.
* You will get fat, but it won't be the big catastrophe that you're expecting...and your cellulite will still be minimal.
* Learn to recognize when a guy is hitting on you, if you don't you are going to, unwittingly, shut some interested parties out of your life.
* Don't pretend to be someone you're not, it will never make you happy.
* Don't be afraid to acknowledge the people who are holding you back, once you insert some distance there, you are going to learn more about yourself.
* Learn to embrace the awkward silence it will never go away.
* Self-doubt is an enemy that must be terminated.
* Your future step-sister...I know you think she is annoying and a bit delinquent, but she is gonna become one of your best friends...Really, it's true.
* Take pictures, don't be lazy about this or you'll be sorry.
* It will get easier to find shoes in your size, just be patient.
* You will be more comfortable in your own skin as you get older, until then fake the confidence that you are lacking.
* The friendships that you feel like you don't have right now, will come to you once you start to see people for who they really are. People do have so much more to offer than you realize.
* Some people just don't like you because you don't care that they don't like you. It isn't as confusing as you think it is.
* Learn to say those 3 little words..."I don't know"
* There will come a day when bald is the way of the beaver, stay strong...the bush will come back or at least I'm hopeful that it will....
Friday, April 2, 2010
Easter Shmeaster
I know I haven't posted since January. what can I say I am a SLACKER! Well the truth is that I write blog posts all the time and just never hit the "publish" button. I have no explanation for this other than my blogger-superego which warns me not to publish, is far more powerful than my blogger-id which drives what I write.... Maybe there is a pill for that...I dunno.
Anyway, so it is almost Easter and you will be shocked to know that we have never celebrated this holiday in my house. I've gone to my mom's or mother-in-law's for ham (which I don't really eat), but as far as egg hunts I can say that I have NEVER hidden any eggs for my kids. (In the spirit of full disclosure you should know that we have gone to 2 different egg hunts when my oldest was little and my neighbors have hidden eggs in my yard on occasion because they are aghast about my neglectful parenting, but whatever.) There are probably a few reasons for this, not the least of which is the fact that I am an atheist and I have never really been able to over come the hypocrisy of me celebrating such a deeply religious holiday. It should be noted that I am totally ok with the same hypocrisy at X-mas, we all know its been totally secularized, and, well, there are presents involved! Anyhoos, though I am an atheist, I make every effort to encourage my children to explore and develop their own belief systems. I have never told any of them (in as many words) that I don't believe in a "supreme being" because I don't want to prejudice their views on the subject. All that said, when my 6 year old came to me and basically demanded an egg hunt on Easter, I panicked... My first thought was, Holy shit (ah the irony) he's been brainwashed, how the hell (again, irony) am I going to, convincingly, explain the celebration of 'Jesus rising from the dead on the 3rd day' so that he keep an open mind and not feel burdened by my disbelief. I told my teaching partner about my dilemma and she just looked at me like I'd ask her to take a dump in my hand, which, for her, is very unusual. After removing the judgement from her face, she explained to me that it was most probable that he just wanted the candy and not a sermon.......OF COURSE! Sometimes I am an even bigger idiot than should be possible, here I am, sure that I will now be sending the kid off to seminary when all he really wants is a chocolate fix...
Now, that we've settled that, there is a bigger issue on the horizon....
I've eaten at least half the candy that I purchased to put inside the eggs.
Do you think he'll be happy with a few jelly beans and some empty Twix and Reese's wrappers in side his eggs????
I mean, finding the eggs is most of the fun....right?
I will be posting on my resolutions soon (keeping in mind that 'soon' is a relative term)..
Happy Easter?
Anyway, so it is almost Easter and you will be shocked to know that we have never celebrated this holiday in my house. I've gone to my mom's or mother-in-law's for ham (which I don't really eat), but as far as egg hunts I can say that I have NEVER hidden any eggs for my kids. (In the spirit of full disclosure you should know that we have gone to 2 different egg hunts when my oldest was little and my neighbors have hidden eggs in my yard on occasion because they are aghast about my neglectful parenting, but whatever.) There are probably a few reasons for this, not the least of which is the fact that I am an atheist and I have never really been able to over come the hypocrisy of me celebrating such a deeply religious holiday. It should be noted that I am totally ok with the same hypocrisy at X-mas, we all know its been totally secularized, and, well, there are presents involved! Anyhoos, though I am an atheist, I make every effort to encourage my children to explore and develop their own belief systems. I have never told any of them (in as many words) that I don't believe in a "supreme being" because I don't want to prejudice their views on the subject. All that said, when my 6 year old came to me and basically demanded an egg hunt on Easter, I panicked... My first thought was, Holy shit (ah the irony) he's been brainwashed, how the hell (again, irony) am I going to, convincingly, explain the celebration of 'Jesus rising from the dead on the 3rd day' so that he keep an open mind and not feel burdened by my disbelief. I told my teaching partner about my dilemma and she just looked at me like I'd ask her to take a dump in my hand, which, for her, is very unusual. After removing the judgement from her face, she explained to me that it was most probable that he just wanted the candy and not a sermon.......OF COURSE! Sometimes I am an even bigger idiot than should be possible, here I am, sure that I will now be sending the kid off to seminary when all he really wants is a chocolate fix...
Now, that we've settled that, there is a bigger issue on the horizon....
I've eaten at least half the candy that I purchased to put inside the eggs.
Do you think he'll be happy with a few jelly beans and some empty Twix and Reese's wrappers in side his eggs????
I mean, finding the eggs is most of the fun....right?
I will be posting on my resolutions soon (keeping in mind that 'soon' is a relative term)..
Happy Easter?
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