The "T" word.

I'm not sure if blogging about this is the right thing to do, but writing is how I process my thoughts and feelings, so read if you want and judge if it makes you feel better. This is real life, not some sugar coated version of things that I am hoping to remember later. If you can't handle that "X" out and don't come back.

My oldest son has been diagnosed with Tourette's. I won't get into the details, just because it is boring, but I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't devastated. I have cried everyday for over two weeks now (even before he was officially diagnosed, I knew). I want to help him, I want to make it better, I want to be able to crawl into his brain and flip the switch that makes him tic. I can't, and it KILLS me.
Apparently, his is a pretty mild case, but the future is unknown. I have spent many hours reading about Tourette's and though it does seem that once you have it it is there to stay, it also looks like, as you move through adolescence, it gradually gets better, for most people, and the tics become fewer and further between. The version of Tourette's, where people are randomly cursing or yelling out words is actually very rare, a fact I'm finding A LOT of comfort in.
I hate everything about this.
I hate that I know people will read this and be grateful it isn't them and their child. They will go and kiss and hug their tic free kids and thank god for their good fortune. I HATE them for that. If I believed in god I'd be so fucking pissed off at him right now. I don't want prayers or support or pity, I just want to rewind 3 weeks. To go back to the time before he started having all these crazy tics. This is so fucking unfair.
I want to be a rock of support for my child. I want him to feel loved and cherished. I want him to know that he has Tourette's but Tourette's DOES NOT have him. I want him to love himself. I'm so fucking scared that I do not have the right tools to help him deal with this. I am so disappointed in myself for the way I've reacted to the news. Of course, I haven't let him know I'm feeling this way. I am putting on a brave face for him, but he knows me well enough to know I'm sad.
I try to only cry when I am alone. Car rides are the worst, as soon as I get in the car by myself I just go ahead and put on my sunglasses because the tears are inevitable.
I have cried myself to sleep every night, if I wake up to pee, I cry myself to sleep again. I wish I could take his tics and give them to myself. I'm an adult with a solid self esteem, I could give a fuck what people think of me, why does this crap have to happen to a child who is entering the one of the hardest times in his life, junior high?!?!? It is so fucking UNFAIR.

I know I sound angry, I am. I can't release the feelings anywhere else but here on this blog. Feel free to judge my reaction, I really don't give a shit. I am feeling sorry for myself and my son. I'm sure one day I won't, but today is not that day.
I know this isn't the worst thing that could've happened to us, I get that. But that doesn't change the fact that it really, really sucks!

Enough Said.

I know I have a tendency to reveal too much about myself, so in order to be discreet I'm not going to SAY much...

I just made the appointment.

I'm already a little nauseated.

But soon, what once looked like this:


Stop judging me, I'm German.

Will soon look like this:


Two more days....

Enough said.

I'm going to go vomit, repeatedly, now.

Edited to add: Okay, much to my surprise it wasn't THAT bad, I only said "motherf*cker" twice, and I never lost consciousness.

Welcome to my home, please fart in my kitchen.

Ok, I realize I am lacking in the area of social skills, and I have suspected, occasionally, that I'm just a little autistic because there are so many social expectations and customs that I just. do. not. get! The unfortunate part for me is that other people see my lack of participation in these customs as a sign that I am a total bitch. Side Note: I am a total bitch, just not for this reason.
More to the point, we have been spending a lot of time with some friends of ours, here at our house. It is a beautiful relationship because they have 4 kids, all the perfect ages to get along with our three, and I get along with the wife and The hub gets along with the husband. We have even planned a vacation together this summer, and I'm so excited!! After spending a couple weekends together, swimming, eating and drinking (too much) the wife, we'll call her Eugenia, told me that I was rude for not ever offering her a drink when she comes over, she always has to get a one for herself.
Wait, what?
Eugenia went on to inform me that you're supposed to offer people a drink when they come over and I never do it, then she took it a little too far when she also mentioned that I don't have anything good to drink anyway (I guess that's neither here nor there, but I wanted to mention it to point out that I'm not the only rude person on the planet).
Of course I am aware that this drink thing is meant as a means to make guests feel more at home in your house, but why a drink?
Whenever I go to another person's house I don't get randomly thirsty upon crossing their threshold. A drink just seems so arbitrary? Why not ask them if they'd like to go flush the toilet or fart in the kitchen? Why is it a drink? I can think of about 10 other things I could offer my guests that could make them feel at home and are just as random as a drink.
* Come in, would you like to fold the towels?
* Hey there, would you like to use my pen?
* Can I offer you dryer sheet?
* Please come in, help yourself to some garlic powder.
* Would you like some paper to make an airplane with?
* Welcome to my home, would you like to sniff my laundry room?
* Come on in, see if you can find my dildo.
* Welcome, feel free to count the boogers on the wall next to my son's bed...
...ok, You get the point...
I know you're sitting there thinking "What the hell is wrong with this woman?!?!" and, well, if I could answer that I probably wouldn't have just written an entire blog post about how baffled I am about needing to offer someone a drink when they come to my house in order for them to NOT think I'm a rude bitch. Alas, I am flawed, and rude, and Eugenia (along with anyone else) is just going to have to get over it.

But, if you do ever come over to my house, please help yourself to a drink because I won't remember to offer you one, or you could just make it easy on all of us and just go fart in my kitchen.

Phew...

So I DO NOT have a brain tumor :)
I am no longer deaf in my right ear either :)
I do have Cochlear Hydrops, and I still have to take a daily medicine to treat it :(
But it might not ever progress past that (aka, I might not start randomly falling down after all) :)
Just thought you should know!

8 Reasons I think Easter is lame.

*I don't hate Jesus, I'm just not Christian.
*A bunny that hides eggs is STUPID, no bunnies hide anything at my house.
*I DO NOT need any unsolicited chocolate at my house.
*I don't eat ham.
*Deviled eggs are overrated, but I do love the irony of serving them at an Easter lunch;)
*I don't want to take leftovers home, my in-laws get offended by this.
*I have found it is better to lie and say that I do celebrate Easter than to tell people the truth. I mean really, is there anything better than someone trying to save me and my poor heathen children in the middle of the grocery store?
* I do NOT want to go to church with you, or you or you, and I'm tired of explaining why.

On the other hand, those cadbury mini-eggs are freaking fabulous, disregard the 8 bullet points above if that is the Easter you'd like to share with me.

Things to think about...

I had an MRI of my brain today. I thought I would get claustrophobic, but I didn't.
It wasn't too bad.
It's a rather sobering experience when a doctor wants to check your brain for tumors and such. I'm not all that worried, but I'd be lying if I said that I haven't been pondering the possibilities....
I just want to live long enough to mother my children into adulthood and a brain tumor could get in the way of that.
I'm really not worried.
It is funny, though, how long it has taken me to get to know myself.
I just realized that when I worry, you know,the neurotic-all encompassing, stomach wrenching type of worry, it's usually when I have absolutely no reason to.
When I have cause for worry, I get this weird calm about me, I get all philosophical and, to be honest, kind of douchey.
See what a big person I am for being able to admit that about myself? Yeah, I'm impressed by that too.

Another thing I learned today...
Don't fart in an MRI machine when you still have 40 minutes of scan to sit through...

Kharma...

I have a sick and twisted sense of humor, this is a fact about myself I've never tried to hide (not that I could if I wanted to). I laugh at inappropriate things, often in an otherwise quiet room. I say things that, I think, are hilarious, but other people find offensive. I crack myself up, while people stare at me with a blank expression. You get the point!
One of the things that I find totally hilarious is when someone falls down. I know I'm not alone in this, but I am one of the few people that lack the first, seemingly instinctual, reaction of finding out if the person is okay BEFORE I bend over laughing at them. I can't help it, if someone falls down (or even has a near miss) I'm probably going to laugh until I cry, fart or snort. The time I am most ashamed of was when I was starting a new teaching job (for principal bitchface) and I was attending all the new teacher orientations before the school year. For one of the trainings we had to ride a bus to another location, and, well, long story short, the lady directly behind me on the bus BUSTED HER ASS coming down the stairs to get off. My reaction was not Kosher and I did not make any friends that day, but it wasn't completely my fault since the lady made some really ridiculous groaning noises after her tumble. I'm pretty sure if I had tried not to laugh I would've stroked out right there. I did feel a twinge of guilt when she showed up the next day wearing some sort of ridiculous, fully-loaded, ankle-boot, but whatever!
The Kharma part is coming, just stay with me!
About 4 months ago, I got a sinus infection that moved to my ear. My ear just felt full and I couldn't hear anything out of it. I went to the Dr. a few times, trying to get my ear back to functional and, well, that has yet to happen. This week, I finally got serious and went to an ENT, not just any ENT, THE ENT in Houston. His report was not what I wanted to hear, I have sudden onset nerve deafness in my ear that is probably permanent. I can still hear most of the range of human voice, but I will have trouble hearing deep men's voices (this may be a benefit living in my house). Because I am young, and otherwise healthy, I have to do some tests to rule out all the big bad causes like tumors and such, there is a very low chance of these actually being the cause, (no, I'm not concerned).
And now for the Kharma...
What he thinks the diagnosis will end up being is something called cochlear hydrops which is often the beginning of Miniere's disease. Miniere's disease isn't fatal, but can be debilitating because of the sudden and intense episodes of vertigo which cause people to...

SUDDENLY...
AND UNEXPECTEDLY...
FALL DOWN!!!

SONOFABITCH

I'm hoping this is not the diagnosis, but looking at all the options, this one isn't the worst. The vertigo will go away eventually after something called "burn-out" which means total deafness in the ear. I just hope I'm not surrounded by people like me, when I randomly drop to the floor. Someone's gonna have to help me get back up....