Friday, June 17, 2011

Enough Said.

I know I have a tendency to reveal too much about myself, so in order to be discreet I'm not going to SAY much...

I just made the appointment.

I'm already a little nauseated.

But soon, what once looked like this:

Stop judging me, I'm German.

Will soon look like this:

Two more days....

Enough said.

I'm going to go vomit, repeatedly, now.

Edited to add: Okay, much to my surprise it wasn't THAT bad, I only said "motherf*cker" twice, and I never lost consciousness.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Welcome to my home, please fart in my kitchen.

Ok, I realize I am lacking in the area of social skills, and I have suspected, occasionally, that I'm just a little autistic because there are so many social expectations and customs that I just. do. not. get! The unfortunate part for me is that other people see my lack of participation in these customs as a sign that I am a total bitch. Side Note: I am a total bitch, just not for this reason.
More to the point, we have been spending a lot of time with some friends of ours, here at our house. It is a beautiful relationship because they have 4 kids, all the perfect ages to get along with our three, and I get along with the wife and The hub gets along with the husband. We have even planned a vacation together this summer, and I'm so excited!! After spending a couple weekends together, swimming, eating and drinking (too much) the wife, we'll call her Eugenia, told me that I was rude for not ever offering her a drink when she comes over, she always has to get a one for herself.
Wait, what?
Eugenia went on to inform me that you're supposed to offer people a drink when they come over and I never do it, then she took it a little too far when she also mentioned that I don't have anything good to drink anyway (I guess that's neither here nor there, but I wanted to mention it to point out that I'm not the only rude person on the planet).
Of course I am aware that this drink thing is meant as a means to make guests feel more at home in your house, but why a drink?
Whenever I go to another person's house I don't get randomly thirsty upon crossing their threshold. A drink just seems so arbitrary? Why not ask them if they'd like to go flush the toilet or fart in the kitchen? Why is it a drink? I can think of about 10 other things I could offer my guests that could make them feel at home and are just as random as a drink.
* Come in, would you like to fold the towels?
* Hey there, would you like to use my pen?
* Can I offer you dryer sheet?
* Please come in, help yourself to some garlic powder.
* Would you like some paper to make an airplane with?
* Welcome to my home, would you like to sniff my laundry room?
* Come on in, see if you can find my dildo.
* Welcome, feel free to count the boogers on the wall next to my son's bed...
...ok, You get the point...
I know you're sitting there thinking "What the hell is wrong with this woman?!?!" and, well, if I could answer that I probably wouldn't have just written an entire blog post about how baffled I am about needing to offer someone a drink when they come to my house in order for them to NOT think I'm a rude bitch. Alas, I am flawed, and rude, and Eugenia (along with anyone else) is just going to have to get over it.

But, if you do ever come over to my house, please help yourself to a drink because I won't remember to offer you one, or you could just make it easy on all of us and just go fart in my kitchen.