Sunday, December 12, 2010

Nothing to say

I haven't written in FOREVER, but really you should consider that a gift from me to you. I, honestly, have nothing to say! I could tell you about all the shit going down in my life right now, but if I did that I'm pretty sure this would be your last click over here. I mean do you really want to hear about how I have put the hubs on notice that if he didn't take a more active role in the holiday goings on of our house, it would, without exception be the last time we weren't taking turns having the children for the holidays??? Probably not... Or do you want to hear about what a terrible mother I am because I am to the point of not be able to stand my children while their father is gone, working 72 to 84 hours a week??? No, you say? Or how some really good friendships that I have had have now apparently morhped into some weird new thing that has no name??? I can't blame you I wouldn't either!?!? Or how my oldest son is being bullied for not believing in god, and how we had to have a come to jesus meeting (irony, I know) with some parents (and children) about the way they are allowing/instructing their children to treat him??? My eyes burn just thinking of it. Maybe you want to hear about how I diagnosed myself with advanced terminal melanoma, gave myself only weeks to live,and cried for 6 days until I could get in to see the dermatologist??? Well that story is a maybe!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

10. set. hut.

My oldest son is 9. He is so smart, he's a great conversationalist, he has superior looks (he does favor me but I'm totally objective in this opinion) and he can be so sweet and charming at will. He is also a bit quirky and occasionally socially awkward, but his greatest flaw is that he is about as coordinated as the left testicle of an encephalitic monkey. Parenting him is equal parts challenging, humbling, rewarding and exhausting.

We have tried, to no avail, to get him into sports, ANY sport.
His baseball coach was visibly perturbed by the fact that was he had to share air with him (we found out definitively that there IS crying in baseball),
His tumbling coach gave up and let him run around the gym during practice,
His one (free trial) karate lesson ended with him saying "this blows" right in front of the sensai.
We did have some luck in basketball, but there was more disdain on the court when number 9 was out there.
Needless to say, I was more than taken aback when my husband asked him over dinner, one evening, if he wanted to sign up for football. Aside from the fact that we had "agreed" not to let the boys play full tackle football until junior high, I was concerned about the harmful effects of his multiple, failed attempts to participate in a pyhsical, team sport. Especially one in which paralysis and head injuries are listed among the injuries which may be sustained in playing said sport. BUT I gave in, as I often do because I do want him to be healthy and active. Another consideration is the fact that he is big for his age and as strong as an ox, or Lenny from Of Mice and Men (choose your own simile here).

Fast Forward to his first practice. He hustled like we have NEVER seen him hustle before. The hubs and I were both overjoyed that he seemed to have found a sport that he liked and was willing to put effort into. He left the field smiling and happy and was excited to go back the next day. We practically fell over ourselves giving each other high five's.
The second practice, well it was different. They had to wear full pads which meant that they would be tackling. I put my faith in the coaches to teach my son proper techniques and form before throwing him out there, but I was soon educated on the fact that "that isn't how it is done in football." Ummmm Yeah. He had NO IDEA what to do, and these coaches were yelling at him, using terminology he'd never heard before and threatening laps for insubordination. When the hubs tried to tell me that that is the way to teach, I unleashed (mildly) due to the fact that I'm a teacher and I know better even if I don't know shit about football.
Why I thought this group of coaches, whose collective IQ probably still borders on low average and who seem to be dealing with some leftover frustration for never making it past the JV team in high school, would take the time to actually coach is really just beyond me.
Needless to say he HATES football now, but I'm hesitant to let him quit. I mean, life is hard, sometimes things are challenging. Learning a little tenacity could go a long way in shaping him as a man, but then again so could quadriplegia.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Glitter and Unicorns

NO, not really. I just needed to prove (to my most loyal reader, the other 3 of you should take note)that I can make ANYTHING happen.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I still cannot sing...

When I was in 3rd grade my mom told me I could "be anything (I) wanted to be" and I believed her. I wanted to be a singer, she encouraged it. I stayed up late for 4 nights in a row hand-writing 3 original songs in my blue, wide-ruled spiral notebook. I practiced in front of the mirror, I practiced in front of my mom. I believed I was on my way to the Mickey Mouse club (which is the starting point for all great singers). I just needed an in, MOM suggested Star-Search. Perfect! She was always so full of good suggestions. I made an audition tape to send to Ed, I was ready to go... THEN (dun dun dun duuuuuuun) I listened to the tape......
Mom Fucking lied to me.
I sounded like a tone deaf cat with a hormone imbalance....
I couldn't even listen to the first song in it's entirety.
It was too painful.

What if the doctoral program is the same thing?
What if I'm not really smart enough to be there?
What if I am smart enough, what the hell am I going to do with this gratuitous degree anyway?
I doubt myself, my abilities, my ambition and tenacity.
I need to listen to the tape to gauge my worthiness and chances of success.

I still cannot sing.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

It's called 'psychotic' for a reason...

I've been getting nailed for some of the things I said in my Marriage Cycle post, so I'm gonna clear a few things up.
First of all, it was a tongue in cheek post, if you couldn't see that then well, there is probably no hope for you anyway. I have no qualifications to dispense marriage advice except that I'm married, so what I say here means, nothing.

Secondly obviously there are exceptions, like if:

You have no children: Obviously a marriage without children is going to be an entirely different experience. I'm not saying it is any less of an experience, its just different. Sharing responsibility for not fucking up your kids is gonna change things, both for better and for worse sometimes...I'm sure I'd never leave phase 1 or 2 if the only things we argued about is where to eat dinner or where to take our next vacation.WHATEVER

You have been married a short time: My breaking point came at about 8 years. If you're sick of your spouse in the first few years of marriage then you should probably just run or brace yourself for a drinking problem.

You're delusional: If I know you well enough to have seen you experiencing a phase 3-4 moment and you are still telling me that you've never been out of 1 or 2...WHATEVER. Oh and btw, the phases are totally made up if you didn't already know that.

I knew a few people who disagreed with my post and, well, whatever, but when I was cornered by a 'friend' (who does not read this blog) in Target about how she was concerned about my marriage because she'd heard (since someone who does read the blog has been talking about me) that I'd discussed my issues in such a public way.(insert eye-roll and violent gagging here) I was more than a little bit annoyed. Especially since this person has the most fucked up marriage I've ever seen. Thankfully she is praying for me, so everything should improve soon.

It was a JOKE, yes I'm pissed at my husband for some assholish behavior, but I'm not going anywhere. I mean there are days when I dream of replacing him with an efficient landlord (to fix things) and a good vibrator (to, well, you know), but he does posses some redeeming qualities......(I'll cite examples when I can think of some)

When I am 34 (next year) I will have been with him for exactly half of my life, so yeah, shit hits the fan occasionally. I don't really think that means I need to be on your prayer list.

As far as discussing my issues here...check out the title of my blog, did you expect me to talk about rainbows and bunny rabbits?

Monday, July 5, 2010

Out of Context...

We survived our mini-road trip and returned intact.
I thought I'd share some of the conversation that took place during the 'quality time' we spent together in the car, the hotel, the restaurants, my sister's house, etc, etc. Many of them are fart themed, but I do have 3 boys so is there really anything else to talk about?
You'll have to enjoy them without the context in which they were spoken, but that's mostly because further explanation would just highlight the depth of our insanity

1. "I'm a farting expert, just bust it out and come back to the table."

2. "What the hell is a 'dream tomato', Please tell me you didn't think this was a song about vegetables?"

3. "That hair is at least 4 inches away from the hole, WTF is that about???"

4. "Is this what beaver really tastes like?"

5. "I think I should just throw these away, that last fart had a little surprise with it."

6. "There really isn't anything I can do about your penis right this minute."

7."I will play the wiener song if you stay quiet while I'm on the phone."

8. "All I've eaten for 3 days is beans, staying 10 feet away from you isn't going to change anything."

9. "Girls can't wear their underwear 2 days in a row because their balls smell worse than ours."

10. "I don't like girls, I like you Mommy, I just don't like pretty girls"

Saturday, July 3, 2010

If I was going to be a drummer....

This is the one I would be. Watch the video, while you're there check out the rest of the blog. Hopefully I'm on the road by the time this is posted.

Friday, July 2, 2010

In search of the muchness

I have to get out of this place, and as long as the weather cooperates I plan to do just that tomorrow. The boys and I are taking a (way too) short road trip to Austin to see my sister and her family. I really love road trips, even with a car full of boys who fart and fight and request pee stops way too often.
Maybe I'll come back with a few blog worthy stories to tell, or maybe I won't.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

The Marriage Cycle

When I was younger (as in way too young to be making life altering decisions) I could not wait to get married. I couldn't see any reason why being married would be a bad thing, why we wouldn't be able to weather any storm that came our way. Fast forward to live tv and I'm stuck in this 'WTF was I thinking' moment, hour, lifetime.

See I see marriage as a 5 point cycle that goes something like this:

1. I LOVE you and find you amusing.
2. I love you and you're okay to be around.
3. I like you but do not penetrate the 5 foot barrier
4. I tolerate you because divorce is expensive
5. Please, if there is a merciful god, swoop down here and get me OUT!

(the only part of the cycle that can be skipped is number 5, skipping any other point would result in complete annihilation of the human race and leave Earth uninhabitable to mammals, or maybe it would just indicate a need for a few sessions with a marriage and family therapist, whatever)

I've talked to several experts (aka people I know who are married (and authentic)) and they all agree because, well if they didn't agree, I would revoke their 'expert' status.

Finding yourself somewhere in this cycle at any given point in your married life is totally okay as long as you don't stay in one place too long. You must force yourself to move through the cycle, so you can get back to the good parts.

If you are one of those people who believes that you always stay at points 1 and 2 there are a couple things you should know.
1. You are a fucking liar.
2. People think you smell like cheese because, clearly, it oozes from your pores.
3. If you tell me about your marriage, I will not believe you, or I will think you are just too stupid to actually experience the full realm of human emotions, and I will be tempted to simultaneously punch you in the pancreas while ripping out your uvula.

Anyway, I think you might be able to see where I currently am in the marriage cycle. (#5 for the dumb readers) The same stupid fight, over and over and over. I told him I wanted to leave, I even looked for apartments. #1 better be right around the corner, or there may be trouble ahead.

On another note, I get to assist in a research project involving Ipads and the Houston Children's Museum. I'm really excited, maybe I'll blog about it.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Physical Perfection

This video has been on Disney Channel for a few years. My middle child who is now six and has moved on to more, eh, mature cartoons like spongebob and chowder had forgotten all about this video. At one time he would stop whatever he was doing to come watch this song. I'd like to tell you it was because he has such an ear for music or an eye for dancing, but if you watch the video you'd find that hard to believe. No, he would watch any video with this girl in it and turn and say,

"Mommy I wish you looked like her."

"Uh, yeah son I'll uhhhh work on that."

This is the child that likes to critique my choice of clothes, jewelry and the way I am wearing (or not wearing) my makeup. He is also very concerned with his own appearance as well, he dresses himself and always makes sure to match, cleans all the dirt off his shoes, and we can spend forever making sure his baseball uniform is just right. (Yes these might be red flags, and I have to admit it puts a little joy in my heart at the thought of it, but I digress)

Anyway from the time he was 3.5 until about 5 years old he would remind me what exactly I should be aiming for in my physical appearance. Thin, long black hair, preferably of Latin decent, sharpie eyebrows and gaudy hoop earrings. Almost every time I would come up short, and he was usually ok with that. Occasionally I would have to reassure him that it is ok that his mom wasn't a hot Disney Channel train conductor, it wasn't the end of the world. At some point he grew out of his obsession with my looks, although he still gives me plenty of helpful advice to help in my pursuit of physical perfection.

Anyway, today this video happened to come on while he was in the room. He stopped, looked at me, looked back at the TV and said,

"Yeah, you still don't look like her. I guess that will never happen!"

And gave me the best look of condolence he could muster. It kinda reminded me of the way the judges on American idol look at the bat-shit crazy reject contestants that everyone likes to laugh at.

I'm such a let down to so many people, for so many reasons.

Gotta go, I've got an appointment with my eyebrow wax and a Sharpie.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

A peek inside...

My brain has this amazing ability to latch on to random information (while at the same time completely deleting all information about the locations of my keys and check card) that often makes me appear incoherent to the general population. See its this random information that guides many of my decisions and behaviors and then when I try to explain myself I end up sounding like I need a straight jacket. Instead of constantly trying to explain myself I figured I could create a reference post, so if you ever doubt my sanity you can come here to see that I am a completely rational person.

SO this is why:

I hate the beach, it makes complete sense to me that swimming in poo water would be ill advised.

I become OCD when I making pork, or chicken. It could kill you, literally.

I refused a CT scan when my 6 year old broke his nose. I really pissed the doctor and radiologists off, but seriously, I was totally justified.

I will always be fat. This is depressing and just makes me want to eat chocolate.

I'm pretty sure we will all die from skin cancer in the end anyways.

I don't think I'll ever be able to take my kids to India. Damn Monkeys ruin it for everyone.

I have so much guilt over eating cows. Why must they be so tasty?

I won't go to the circus. The elephants, think of the elephants.

I'm scared of granite counter tops. That's right, they are deadly and you will die.

I had to replace all my non-stick pots and pans. Food, its gonna kill you.

I won't heat anything up in a plastic container. If the food doesn't kill you, the packaging will.

I have a few more, but I'll save them for later. Have a fabulous day and try not to die.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

My Future????

I know this is old and everyone has seen it, but I can't help but think that this is what is in my near future.

Sibling Psychosis

I grew up as an only child, even though I have 3 half brothers, 2 ex step siblings and 1 current step sibling, I'm not even going to mention the 3 biolgical half siblings that I have never met, but you get the point. I always refered to myself as a "lonely" child because I felt the absence of siblings so deeply and so often. I was so sure that I was missing out on something so wonderful, a permanent best friend, a partner in crime, the other half of my dynamic duo. Now that I am a mother to 3 brothers, I realize that I might have dodged a bullet by not having to share a roof with someone with a similar DNA profile.

My kids have mastered the art of fighting. I don't know if it should be labeled fighting as much as insanelyintensesuperfreakinannoyinggettingoneachothersandmylastnerves type of interactions. They are like ninjas, I never actually see the infractions I just get to feel the effects of them.

I swear to you that I have had to ban each of them from making eye-contact with the other two.

I have had to draw an invisible line in the car that none of them is allowed to cross, any infraction is met with a glitch in the matrix so devestating that life as we know it cannot exist.

The middle child can inhale in such a way that it sends the others into complete hysterics, the oldest has this screechy sound that he makes wich sends both the others into meltdown. The youngest is 3 and, well, that says enough right there.

They also know how to touch or move something in each other's rooms just enough to piss the other one off. Then I get the ever recognizable, "Mooooooom" alert that a wrongdoing has taken place.

My 6 year old called my 9 year old an asshole the other day, and well, he was right, but I had to be a good mom and punish him for the colorful use of language (probably not as harshly as an actual 'good mom' would have). I have to say I was glad he said it though, because someone needed to.

The situation is further exacerbated by the fact that the 9 year old does not have a door to his room. He lost it in a filibuster-style door slamming campaign in 2007. This leaves all of his posessions at the mercy of his 3 year old brother and the dog, who is not allowed upstairs.

I'm pretty sure one of us is going to end up mamed, psychologically damaged or a with a serious drinking problem, from all this sibling togetherness this Summer.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Duck Face (with lyrics)

I posted this to my facebook page, but it makes me laugh so I'm putting it here too.


Disclaimer: I'm pretty sure this post is a result of PMS (other signs include a deep and fierce loathing for my husband, and farts that make the dog beg to go outside)

I have been working out like a maniac and eating "right" for the last 9 days. (My snoring has almost been eliminated, the only exception is the night I had one beer, which apparently sent me into sexy truck-driver mode for the rest of the night).
In the spirit of full disclosure, I did fall off the wagon while we watched Toy Story 3 last Friday, popcorn with milk-duds are a gift sent to me from heaven, it would be blasphemy to say no to them.
Despite my amazingly long commitment to healthy living, this morning, all I can think about are pancakes, fluffy, buttery, syrupy pancakes. I think if I had some right now I could reach a point of bliss never before seen from this vantage point. All good decisions be damned, I'm sorry to the Women Food and God author, I know that I am engaging in a compulsive behavior. I know I should take a moment to be present and to feel whatever it is I am trying to stifle with pancakes, but we are dealing with a force greater than all of us, PANCAKES!!!!
I know I should be strong, I should drink the protein shake that is sitting on the counter, BUT I really, truly believe that Pancakes are my destiny this morning, and really, who am I to interfere that???

footnote: have you ever met a skinny person who talks about food like this? me thinks not!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

finishEd.D ?

Scaling back on my school hours may have been a mistake, or maybe it wasn't, I dunno. I need to be working on/finishing up my candidacy paper this summer, but I cannot seem to get motivated. Now all I can do is think of all the reasons why I don't want to go back to school, EVER.

1. I can't see what difference finishing up the doctoral program is going to make in my life. There would be more possibilities open to me, but I need to be mobile in order for that to be a reality. The hubs doesn't want to move, EVER, so .....?

2. I can't even answer the question, "so what are you gonna do with your doctorate?" mostly because I have NO IDEA.

3. Everyone else in the program just seems so much smarter, driven and more connected than I am, I feel like a fish out of water when I am around some of those people.

On the other hand, I am 30 hours into the program, and once I get my candidacy paper done, I'll be so painfully close to finishing. I've never quit a degree program, EVER, and I'm bored. I'm pretty sure I'll be back in school in the Fall, I just don't if I'll have a good reason why!!!

Sunday, June 13, 2010


Well don't tell anybody but, apparently, allegedly (well not really allegedly since I have proof, but WHATEVER), I have started snoring....No big deal right????? WRONG. It totally grosses me out and embarrasses me (in front of whom I dunno). There are SOOOOOOOOOO many other things I'd rather do in my sleep like fart or masturbate or cluck like a freakin chicken, but snoring is for fat old guys with hair in their ears and socks that hit at mid-calf.
I know it's because of the fatness, its true, snoring is a symptom of being overweight. I would put a link here to prove it to, but you can google it yourself.....
Everyday I wake up and ask the hubs if I snored and the answer is always yes.
Some days I don't even have to ask because I remember several occasions of being poked or prodded to stop the offense.
Some nights when the hubs is not here, I record myself on my trusty iPhone to see if I engaged in this disgusting habit (I guess it isn't really a habit). Talk about gross and creepy, listen to a recording of yourself making a throat curdling, guttural sound while you were unconscious and see if you don't want to poke sharp things up your nose and slap yourself in the face. YUCK.
On the bright side, I have been sticking to an exercise plan ever since the snoring became a nightly event. My ass has been huge for a decade, my double chin has hung around for at least that long too, I've been shopping at the big girl store for 8 years, but none of that has motivated me to stick with any sort of weight loss program. Snoring, on the other hand, now I can't live with that. I'm obsessed to the point of insomnia. I'm typing this at 1:08 am because I can't sleep because I keep trying to catch myself in the act because snoring is so disgusting and vile and I refuse to participate. (so its a run-on, deal).
We'll see if I can nip this little problem in the bud, but until then I'll just engage in more self loathing over involuntary behaviors.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

I thought about you today

I thought about you today
for a moment I couldn't remember if you were ever really here.
I HATE that I can't begin to comprehend the world with you in it
would the pillows be as soft
would the thunder be as loud
would I smile more or less
if things had been different?

Thinking about you feels like a betrayal to a boy
the one who sleeps in the room that would have been yours
Not thinking of you feels like a betrayal
only to me...

I give you my sadness
my loss of control
you taught me surrender and how to let go
so now all the things that should hurt me just fall to the floor

I draw strength from knowing that I survived you, BUT
it feels convoluted because you were never here

it has been four years
I still lose my breath when you creep up from the back of my mind
everyday you slip through the tiniest of cracks
it isn't fair
I can't change anything
I can't make you go away
No amount of anything will change the outcome
I can't hold you
or watch you play sports
or kiss your cheek while you sleep
I can't even talk about you out loud
all I can do is remember all the things you'll never be
and what I'll never be for you
and that doesn't seem fair
but I thought you should know that
I thought about you today

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Top 7 Reasons why this weekend sucked balls...

I'm only doing 7 because 10 just feels whiny and a bit overdone....

7) Prolonged and in depth conversations about mushroom stamps. (I'm not even gonna link to the definition of this, google it for yourself)

6) 2 hours of sleep on Sat. night....bleh

5). A big party, that I'd even secured childcare to attend and I didn't feel well enough to drink or enjoy myself at all.

4) My newly neutered dog is having a ball sac problem, for which I am now taking 1/2 a day off work to find out how serious it is or isn't...(this will probably be it's own post soon, stay tuned)

3) My PC is dying a slow and painful death....

2) Drama, damaged relationships, and scared children...This WILL be its own post once I wrap my head around it.

1) Possibly, worst of all...My dumb ass DVR hasn't been recording any of my shows and I just figured it out Sat. night (see #6)

I know one day I'll be happy to have problems as simple and easily repaired as these, but for now....this weekend can SUCK IT.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Dear 20 year old me,

I know you think you know everything, and well you are pretty smart, but there are some things that I wish you knew:

* For starters, slow the fuck down, life is not a race. I think in your rush to prove to everyone that you are everything they thought you were, you forgot to live. This is IT, today, right now, if you aren't in it for this moment, then you FAIL.

* Enough with the 5 and 10 year life plans, goals are great to have, but not if they are the only things you have.

* Make mistakes, please please make mistakes and stop worrying about it, life is just more fun that way.

* There is no such thing as THE ONE. There is no love so destined to be that life will crumble if it doesn't work out. Relax it will be what it will be.

* Trust your instincts, they will be right more often than not

* Stop faking orgasms, seriously STOP IT, STUPID.

* Your boobs will NEVER be perfect, just say no to the implant (its gonna pop in like 2 years anyway)

* Motherhood will not come as naturally to you as you are expecting, but that is okay.

* You will get fat, but it won't be the big catastrophe that you're expecting...and your cellulite will still be minimal.

* Learn to recognize when a guy is hitting on you, if you don't you are going to, unwittingly, shut some interested parties out of your life.

* Don't pretend to be someone you're not, it will never make you happy.

* Don't be afraid to acknowledge the people who are holding you back, once you insert some distance there, you are going to learn more about yourself.

* Learn to embrace the awkward silence it will never go away.

* Self-doubt is an enemy that must be terminated.

* Your future step-sister...I know you think she is annoying and a bit delinquent, but she is gonna become one of your best friends...Really, it's true.

* Take pictures, don't be lazy about this or you'll be sorry.

* It will get easier to find shoes in your size, just be patient.

* You will be more comfortable in your own skin as you get older, until then fake the confidence that you are lacking.

* The friendships that you feel like you don't have right now, will come to you once you start to see people for who they really are. People do have so much more to offer than you realize.

* Some people just don't like you because you don't care that they don't like you. It isn't as confusing as you think it is.

* Learn to say those 3 little words..."I don't know"

* There will come a day when bald is the way of the beaver, stay strong...the bush will come back or at least I'm hopeful that it will....

Friday, April 2, 2010

Easter Shmeaster

I know I haven't posted since January. what can I say I am a SLACKER! Well the truth is that I write blog posts all the time and just never hit the "publish" button. I have no explanation for this other than my blogger-superego which warns me not to publish, is far more powerful than my blogger-id which drives what I write.... Maybe there is a pill for that...I dunno.

Anyway, so it is almost Easter and you will be shocked to know that we have never celebrated this holiday in my house. I've gone to my mom's or mother-in-law's for ham (which I don't really eat), but as far as egg hunts I can say that I have NEVER hidden any eggs for my kids. (In the spirit of full disclosure you should know that we have gone to 2 different egg hunts when my oldest was little and my neighbors have hidden eggs in my yard on occasion because they are aghast about my neglectful parenting, but whatever.) There are probably a few reasons for this, not the least of which is the fact that I am an atheist and I have never really been able to over come the hypocrisy of me celebrating such a deeply religious holiday. It should be noted that I am totally ok with the same hypocrisy at X-mas, we all know its been totally secularized, and, well, there are presents involved! Anyhoos, though I am an atheist, I make every effort to encourage my children to explore and develop their own belief systems. I have never told any of them (in as many words) that I don't believe in a "supreme being" because I don't want to prejudice their views on the subject. All that said, when my 6 year old came to me and basically demanded an egg hunt on Easter, I panicked... My first thought was, Holy shit (ah the irony) he's been brainwashed, how the hell (again, irony) am I going to, convincingly, explain the celebration of 'Jesus rising from the dead on the 3rd day' so that he keep an open mind and not feel burdened by my disbelief. I told my teaching partner about my dilemma and she just looked at me like I'd ask her to take a dump in my hand, which, for her, is very unusual. After removing the judgement from her face, she explained to me that it was most probable that he just wanted the candy and not a sermon.......OF COURSE! Sometimes I am an even bigger idiot than should be possible, here I am, sure that I will now be sending the kid off to seminary when all he really wants is a chocolate fix...

Now, that we've settled that, there is a bigger issue on the horizon....

I've eaten at least half the candy that I purchased to put inside the eggs.

Do you think he'll be happy with a few jelly beans and some empty Twix and Reese's wrappers in side his eggs????
I mean, finding the eggs is most of the fun....right?

I will be posting on my resolutions soon (keeping in mind that 'soon' is a relative term)..

Happy Easter?

Sunday, January 31, 2010


That is how much money we spent going out to eat last month....

I'm literally sickened by this.

I can't even think about all the, healthier, more responsible things we could have done with that money...

We don't have the kind of income that supports that much gluttony.....

Restaurants are tasty little dens of pure evil!

The culture in this house is about to get shocked!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Don't Drink and Blog

Um, Yeah so I just went out to dinner with my parents and had WAYYYYYYYY too much wine, now I'm home and I have no good way to put this nice buzz to use, so I thought it would be fun to do a drunken blog..though it may be more fun for me to write it than it will be for you to read. (And just for good measure I've opened another beer so sobriety doesn't interfere with my creative process) IS it "wine before beer in the clear" God I hope so!. So without further ado (holy shit there is a word I can't spell is it adu, adew or ado? WTF you get the point) here is a list of random (and unorganized) thoughts that I'd never write if I were sober.....

Don't you hate it when people write "teh" for "the". When I see people do that I automatically assume they are a careless idiot, until of course it is my typo, in which case it is totally forgivable.....Yes, yes I am that big of a judgemental , hypocritical (I had to think for a second if that would be Hippocratic) bitch...

I sneeze when I eat too much, seriously WTF is up with that?

I'm considering starting a petition to eliminate the "insert" button from the computer. I mean really, who makes a mistake that is EXACTLY as many text characters as the word or phrase they originally intended to write???? Yeah see that is what I thought.

I was NEVER meant to live in a world where landing strips and Brazilian waxes were the socially accepted norm....NEVER.

At least 30% of my facebook friends are complete and total douche bags, but I am interested in their drama so I don't "unfriend" them.

I was adopted by my dad (when I was four), he has always been my dad, but my brothers refer to me as their "step sister" and it really really pisses me off.

One time my husband wanted me to see a doctor about my "gas issues." I never did...

When I walk into a room I automatically size people up to see who is smarter than me and who is not, then I try to stay away from the ones who are not.

I had a lap dance at a totally nude club once, she made me smack her ass, it felt dirty (literally). Before that I always assumed I could be bisexual....afterwards I decided....not so much!

It never ceases to amaze me that (some) people of faith can be so judgemental about atheists, I've lost friendships over my "godlessness" even though I am genuinely a good person. For some people in my life a feigned belief in god is better than honesty....WHATEVER!

I hate pictures of kids with food on their faces, it makes me gag. I don't see anything cute about it.

I think I was born without the instinct to want to hold other people's babies....I never do.

The grossest kiss I have ever seen occurred between an unnamed friend and an English guy, in a cemetery in Brighton. (thinking about it just now made me laugh out loud).

The first time I ever saw a penis was in a Playgirl that I found in the children's section of a bookstore. I hid the mag inside a huge book about KoKo the sign-language ape. I think I was truly terrified by what I saw...I was 9!

I had no idea what a vagina was until I snooped through my (ex)(yes I've had more than 1) step-dad's closet, found a video labeled "XXX" and watched it....even more terrifying than the previous thought.

I live in an uber conservative, ball-suck suburb, I totally blame the hubs for that. A mid-town loft is more my style.

I've always wanted to get a doctorate, but I wasn't motivated to start the program until someone I know decided to go for a Master's degree and I knew I could not handle having the same level of education as someone I perceived to be a complete, drooling moron. (on the same note, this person never actually pursued the Master's degree, guess the joke is on me).

The hubs thinks he is getting lucky tonight, but I plan to be asleep before he gets out of the shower......

and that is THAT!

Saturday, January 16, 2010

40 X 40

Here is the long awaited, much anguished over, 40 things I want to see, do, or accomplish by the age of 40. I'm not sure how feasible doing all 40 things actually is, since some might negate others, but I'll do my best.

40 X 40 (in no particular order, * are the ones I plan to accomplish this year, Green = In Progress)

1. Visit Australia

2. Finally lose the weight (and maintain it)*

3. Get Published, (any publishing credit will do here)*

4.Run a 5k (actually run it, competitively)*

5. Visit Canada

6. Go see Mount Rushmore

7. Take a zipline tour (I've ziplined, but never on one of these tours) (and I stole this idea because it is a good one)

8. Finish the Ed.D.

9. Run a 10 K*

10. Run a 1/2 Marathon

11. Run a full marathon

12. Get my Master Reading Teacher Certification

13. Go to NYC

14. Visit California (preferably here or here)

15. Go Camping in the Grand Canyon, donkey ride and all (seen it from the top twice, but never from the bottom)

16. Visit the Smithsonian

17. Go Zorbing

18. Pay off all Credit Card Debt

19. Pay off the House (not sure how I will do this with all the travel I have planned)

20. Spend a Thanksgiving (or two) volunteering.

21. Visit Seattle

22. Visit Alaska (might be able to mark 21 and 22 off with one trip)

23. Throw a surprise party for someone.

24. Learn another Language (most likely Spanish)

25. Have an all out spa day

26. Build THE closet (#4 is most like what I want)

27. Take a pottery class (you know with the wheel and all)

28. Visit the Ozarks

29. Have a totally organic raised bed garden

30.Build a fort in the backyard*

31. Add a bathroom on the down stairs (we NEED a guest bathroom down here)

32. Kitchen reno, (I swear some dorm rooms have bigger kitchens than I do)

33. wind tunneling

34. Trapeze School

35. Anonymously buy someone's dinner (like choose a random family at a restaurant and pay for their meal)

36. Take a Wine Tasting Class

37. Wear a bathing suit in public (Making #'s 38 and 2 a prerequisite)

38. ELECTROLYSIS (I'm of German decent and that is all I will say)

39. Become a Child Advocate

40. Visit Europe (with the kids this time)

And there you have it, a list (comprised mostly of travel, ambitions and personal dares) that I will work towards until MARCH 3, 2017

Nothing says 'I love you' like roses from Wal-Mart

Today is my 11 year wedding anniversary. I can't spend much time with the hubs today because of his work schedule, but I am totally okay with that. After 11 years of being married I am more than happy to have a few evenings alone on the couch, even if it falls on my anniversary. Typically we don't buy each other gifts due to this date's close proximity to Christmas. We are often too gun shy with the cash to do anything big. Occasionally we go to my favorite place for a nice dinner, but since I am trying to be mostly meatless now even that is not going to happen. sigh.

Despite our lackluster idea of celebration I did wake up to a dozen roses and a very sweet card. I mean nothing says "hey guess what, we've been married for 11 years" like a dozen roses from the wal-mart. Despite my extreme and deep loathing of all things wal-mart, I will accept tokens of affection purchased from the depths of Hell.

Really it didn't matter to me what he bought or where he bought it, the fact that the man still loves me so unconditionally makes me wax sentimental. Seriously, I'm a terrible wife, prone to sweeping periods of depression, and sporadic weight gain, I go on manic kicks of (insert current project here) that I completely expect everyone to cater to, I bitch non-stop about the ridiculous amount of laundry produced by my cohabitant and offspring, I say yes when I mean no, and no when I mean yes, I occasionally wonder (out-loud) what might have been if I had in fact chosen door number two so many years ago, my ambitions and expectations have changed more than I care to admit, I have nontraditional views on marriage and monogamy, and often I respond to "I Love You" with "thank you" at least 3 times more than the obvious "I Love You Too." Yet he is still here, keeping me in check, humoring me with lengthy conversations, shrugging off any outburst or tirade with an "are you done now?" calling me out when he can tell that I think I'm above whatever situation I am in, and really, truly not giving a second thought to my sub-par physique.
I am lucky, I know that I am.
Despite all my flaws, I still got a card today that said "I have loved you for 15 years, and I will love you for the rest of my life" and to that I say, "Thank you."

Saturday, January 9, 2010

7 on 7 (really on 9)

As promised (mostly to myself) I'm reporting my progress on achieving my resolutions. Last night I was reminded, by my 8 year old that "last year we all made resolutions, and never thought about them again." Yes kid, I know I'm a failure as a mom, got it!
Any way, here's just a quick update (I mean because really, it has only been a week).
1. Healthy BMI...I joined a biggest Loser competition at work, we'll see how that goes.
2. Take better care of my health...This is really boring, but I do have a check-up scheduled for the 20th of this month.
3. Pay off debt, well we are working on this. I put us on a budget, and have a lot of money going into savings to be put on our debt at the end of each month. This month, however, it will all be going to pay our property taxes and for some emergency plumbing and pool repairs.
4. Take care of my relationships, not yet addressed....
5. Run in competitive races...I have been training with my neighbor for our first 5k of this year (mar. 6)
6. Acknowledge B-days....(happy birthday if today is your day)....check
7. Get organized....I have been working on this, but since I'm the only person in the house that thinks this is important, it is an uphill battle. I"m seriously considering asking for a consultation with a professional organizer as one of my birthday gifts.

As for the 40 before 40, I'm still working on that, it's harder than you might think!

Friday, January 8, 2010

Resolution Review

Will post later! I was up late watching the game, you know the one where Colt McCoy pussed out, and Alabama beat the true freshmen, 2nd string quarterback! Will update on my resolutions (all 7 days of them) this afternoon.

Friday, January 1, 2010


Okay, I'm doing this, AGAIN. The resolutions I've come up with are not very original (at least according to, but .....whatever!) I'm trying to put them in positive terms e.g "I will" instead of "I won't" I"m not really sure why other than it seems like the thing to do.
So here goes.

I will:
1. Finally get down to a healthy BMI. Which will probably mean losing at least 50 pounds, but I guess I won't really know until I get there.

2. Take better care of my health via, cholesterol checks, dental exams, and get a physical (not just the v-jay checkup).

3. Pay off at least $25,000 of our debt (this requires some cooperation from the Hub, but he says he is on board)

4. Take care of my relationships, e.g. return phone calls, make an effort to spend time with the people that I have lost touch with. Yes you, you know who you are.

5. Run (not walk) in at least 3 competitive races, one of which will be a 10 K. (this one is a repeat of last year, which was a FAIL for me)

6. Acknowledge birthdays and important dates for the people in my life (I'm stealing this one from Monike)

7. Get organized (I may be genetically predisposed to disorganization)

and that's it. 7 is A lot of resolutions for someone who never sticks to anything, but if you notice many of them are interconnected , so sticking to one will help achieve some of the others. Also, I will update my progress (or *ahem* lack thereof) on these resolutions on the 7th of every month. Even if I am failing miserably, I'm still gonna fess up.

I'm also working on a list of 40 things I want to accomplish before I'm 40, and those will take the place of new year's resolutions for the next 7 or so years! I'll post them soon.

HAPPY 2010!