I thought about you today

I thought about you today
for a moment I couldn't remember if you were ever really here.
I HATE that I can't begin to comprehend the world with you in it
would the pillows be as soft
would the thunder be as loud
would I smile more or less
if things had been different?

Thinking about you feels like a betrayal to a boy
the one who sleeps in the room that would have been yours
Not thinking of you feels like a betrayal
only to me...

I give you my sadness
my loss of control
you taught me surrender and how to let go
so now all the things that should hurt me just fall to the floor

I draw strength from knowing that I survived you, BUT
it feels convoluted because you were never here

it has been four years
I still lose my breath when you creep up from the back of my mind
everyday you slip through the tiniest of cracks
it isn't fair
I can't change anything
I can't make you go away
No amount of anything will change the outcome
I can't hold you
or watch you play sports
or kiss your cheek while you sleep
I can't even talk about you out loud
all I can do is remember all the things you'll never be
and what I'll never be for you
and that doesn't seem fair
but I thought you should know that
I thought about you today