Friday, June 25, 2010

Physical Perfection

This video has been on Disney Channel for a few years. My middle child who is now six and has moved on to more, eh, mature cartoons like spongebob and chowder had forgotten all about this video. At one time he would stop whatever he was doing to come watch this song. I'd like to tell you it was because he has such an ear for music or an eye for dancing, but if you watch the video you'd find that hard to believe. No, he would watch any video with this girl in it and turn and say,

"Mommy I wish you looked like her."

"Uh, yeah son I'll uhhhh work on that."

This is the child that likes to critique my choice of clothes, jewelry and the way I am wearing (or not wearing) my makeup. He is also very concerned with his own appearance as well, he dresses himself and always makes sure to match, cleans all the dirt off his shoes, and we can spend forever making sure his baseball uniform is just right. (Yes these might be red flags, and I have to admit it puts a little joy in my heart at the thought of it, but I digress)

Anyway from the time he was 3.5 until about 5 years old he would remind me what exactly I should be aiming for in my physical appearance. Thin, long black hair, preferably of Latin decent, sharpie eyebrows and gaudy hoop earrings. Almost every time I would come up short, and he was usually ok with that. Occasionally I would have to reassure him that it is ok that his mom wasn't a hot Disney Channel train conductor, it wasn't the end of the world. At some point he grew out of his obsession with my looks, although he still gives me plenty of helpful advice to help in my pursuit of physical perfection.

Anyway, today this video happened to come on while he was in the room. He stopped, looked at me, looked back at the TV and said,

"Yeah, you still don't look like her. I guess that will never happen!"

And gave me the best look of condolence he could muster. It kinda reminded me of the way the judges on American idol look at the bat-shit crazy reject contestants that everyone likes to laugh at.

I'm such a let down to so many people, for so many reasons.

Gotta go, I've got an appointment with my eyebrow wax and a Sharpie.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

A peek inside...

My brain has this amazing ability to latch on to random information (while at the same time completely deleting all information about the locations of my keys and check card) that often makes me appear incoherent to the general population. See its this random information that guides many of my decisions and behaviors and then when I try to explain myself I end up sounding like I need a straight jacket. Instead of constantly trying to explain myself I figured I could create a reference post, so if you ever doubt my sanity you can come here to see that I am a completely rational person.

SO this is why:

I hate the beach, it makes complete sense to me that swimming in poo water would be ill advised.

I become OCD when I making pork, or chicken. It could kill you, literally.

I refused a CT scan when my 6 year old broke his nose. I really pissed the doctor and radiologists off, but seriously, I was totally justified.

I will always be fat. This is depressing and just makes me want to eat chocolate.

I'm pretty sure we will all die from skin cancer in the end anyways.

I don't think I'll ever be able to take my kids to India. Damn Monkeys ruin it for everyone.

I have so much guilt over eating cows. Why must they be so tasty?

I won't go to the circus. The elephants, think of the elephants.

I'm scared of granite counter tops. That's right, they are deadly and you will die.

I had to replace all my non-stick pots and pans. Food, its gonna kill you.

I won't heat anything up in a plastic container. If the food doesn't kill you, the packaging will.

I have a few more, but I'll save them for later. Have a fabulous day and try not to die.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

My Future????

I know this is old and everyone has seen it, but I can't help but think that this is what is in my near future.

Sibling Psychosis

I grew up as an only child, even though I have 3 half brothers, 2 ex step siblings and 1 current step sibling, I'm not even going to mention the 3 biolgical half siblings that I have never met, but you get the point. I always refered to myself as a "lonely" child because I felt the absence of siblings so deeply and so often. I was so sure that I was missing out on something so wonderful, a permanent best friend, a partner in crime, the other half of my dynamic duo. Now that I am a mother to 3 brothers, I realize that I might have dodged a bullet by not having to share a roof with someone with a similar DNA profile.

My kids have mastered the art of fighting. I don't know if it should be labeled fighting as much as insanelyintensesuperfreakinannoyinggettingoneachothersandmylastnerves type of interactions. They are like ninjas, I never actually see the infractions I just get to feel the effects of them.

I swear to you that I have had to ban each of them from making eye-contact with the other two.

I have had to draw an invisible line in the car that none of them is allowed to cross, any infraction is met with a glitch in the matrix so devestating that life as we know it cannot exist.

The middle child can inhale in such a way that it sends the others into complete hysterics, the oldest has this screechy sound that he makes wich sends both the others into meltdown. The youngest is 3 and, well, that says enough right there.

They also know how to touch or move something in each other's rooms just enough to piss the other one off. Then I get the ever recognizable, "Mooooooom" alert that a wrongdoing has taken place.

My 6 year old called my 9 year old an asshole the other day, and well, he was right, but I had to be a good mom and punish him for the colorful use of language (probably not as harshly as an actual 'good mom' would have). I have to say I was glad he said it though, because someone needed to.

The situation is further exacerbated by the fact that the 9 year old does not have a door to his room. He lost it in a filibuster-style door slamming campaign in 2007. This leaves all of his posessions at the mercy of his 3 year old brother and the dog, who is not allowed upstairs.

I'm pretty sure one of us is going to end up mamed, psychologically damaged or a with a serious drinking problem, from all this sibling togetherness this Summer.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Duck Face (with lyrics)

I posted this to my facebook page, but it makes me laugh so I'm putting it here too.


Disclaimer: I'm pretty sure this post is a result of PMS (other signs include a deep and fierce loathing for my husband, and farts that make the dog beg to go outside)

I have been working out like a maniac and eating "right" for the last 9 days. (My snoring has almost been eliminated, the only exception is the night I had one beer, which apparently sent me into sexy truck-driver mode for the rest of the night).
In the spirit of full disclosure, I did fall off the wagon while we watched Toy Story 3 last Friday, popcorn with milk-duds are a gift sent to me from heaven, it would be blasphemy to say no to them.
Despite my amazingly long commitment to healthy living, this morning, all I can think about are pancakes, fluffy, buttery, syrupy pancakes. I think if I had some right now I could reach a point of bliss never before seen from this vantage point. All good decisions be damned, I'm sorry to the Women Food and God author, I know that I am engaging in a compulsive behavior. I know I should take a moment to be present and to feel whatever it is I am trying to stifle with pancakes, but we are dealing with a force greater than all of us, PANCAKES!!!!
I know I should be strong, I should drink the protein shake that is sitting on the counter, BUT I really, truly believe that Pancakes are my destiny this morning, and really, who am I to interfere that???

footnote: have you ever met a skinny person who talks about food like this? me thinks not!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

finishEd.D ?

Scaling back on my school hours may have been a mistake, or maybe it wasn't, I dunno. I need to be working on/finishing up my candidacy paper this summer, but I cannot seem to get motivated. Now all I can do is think of all the reasons why I don't want to go back to school, EVER.

1. I can't see what difference finishing up the doctoral program is going to make in my life. There would be more possibilities open to me, but I need to be mobile in order for that to be a reality. The hubs doesn't want to move, EVER, so .....?

2. I can't even answer the question, "so what are you gonna do with your doctorate?" mostly because I have NO IDEA.

3. Everyone else in the program just seems so much smarter, driven and more connected than I am, I feel like a fish out of water when I am around some of those people.

On the other hand, I am 30 hours into the program, and once I get my candidacy paper done, I'll be so painfully close to finishing. I've never quit a degree program, EVER, and I'm bored. I'm pretty sure I'll be back in school in the Fall, I just don't if I'll have a good reason why!!!

Sunday, June 13, 2010


Well don't tell anybody but, apparently, allegedly (well not really allegedly since I have proof, but WHATEVER), I have started snoring....No big deal right????? WRONG. It totally grosses me out and embarrasses me (in front of whom I dunno). There are SOOOOOOOOOO many other things I'd rather do in my sleep like fart or masturbate or cluck like a freakin chicken, but snoring is for fat old guys with hair in their ears and socks that hit at mid-calf.
I know it's because of the fatness, its true, snoring is a symptom of being overweight. I would put a link here to prove it to, but you can google it yourself.....
Everyday I wake up and ask the hubs if I snored and the answer is always yes.
Some days I don't even have to ask because I remember several occasions of being poked or prodded to stop the offense.
Some nights when the hubs is not here, I record myself on my trusty iPhone to see if I engaged in this disgusting habit (I guess it isn't really a habit). Talk about gross and creepy, listen to a recording of yourself making a throat curdling, guttural sound while you were unconscious and see if you don't want to poke sharp things up your nose and slap yourself in the face. YUCK.
On the bright side, I have been sticking to an exercise plan ever since the snoring became a nightly event. My ass has been huge for a decade, my double chin has hung around for at least that long too, I've been shopping at the big girl store for 8 years, but none of that has motivated me to stick with any sort of weight loss program. Snoring, on the other hand, now I can't live with that. I'm obsessed to the point of insomnia. I'm typing this at 1:08 am because I can't sleep because I keep trying to catch myself in the act because snoring is so disgusting and vile and I refuse to participate. (so its a run-on, deal).
We'll see if I can nip this little problem in the bud, but until then I'll just engage in more self loathing over involuntary behaviors.