Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I still cannot sing...

When I was in 3rd grade my mom told me I could "be anything (I) wanted to be" and I believed her. I wanted to be a singer, she encouraged it. I stayed up late for 4 nights in a row hand-writing 3 original songs in my blue, wide-ruled spiral notebook. I practiced in front of the mirror, I practiced in front of my mom. I believed I was on my way to the Mickey Mouse club (which is the starting point for all great singers). I just needed an in, MOM suggested Star-Search. Perfect! She was always so full of good suggestions. I made an audition tape to send to Ed, I was ready to go... THEN (dun dun dun duuuuuuun) I listened to the tape......
Mom Fucking lied to me.
I sounded like a tone deaf cat with a hormone imbalance....
I couldn't even listen to the first song in it's entirety.
It was too painful.

What if the doctoral program is the same thing?
What if I'm not really smart enough to be there?
What if I am smart enough, what the hell am I going to do with this gratuitous degree anyway?
I doubt myself, my abilities, my ambition and tenacity.
I need to listen to the tape to gauge my worthiness and chances of success.

I still cannot sing.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

It's called 'psychotic' for a reason...

I've been getting nailed for some of the things I said in my Marriage Cycle post, so I'm gonna clear a few things up.
First of all, it was a tongue in cheek post, if you couldn't see that then well, there is probably no hope for you anyway. I have no qualifications to dispense marriage advice except that I'm married, so what I say here means, nothing.

Secondly obviously there are exceptions, like if:

You have no children: Obviously a marriage without children is going to be an entirely different experience. I'm not saying it is any less of an experience, its just different. Sharing responsibility for not fucking up your kids is gonna change things, both for better and for worse sometimes...I'm sure I'd never leave phase 1 or 2 if the only things we argued about is where to eat dinner or where to take our next vacation.WHATEVER

You have been married a short time: My breaking point came at about 8 years. If you're sick of your spouse in the first few years of marriage then you should probably just run or brace yourself for a drinking problem.

You're delusional: If I know you well enough to have seen you experiencing a phase 3-4 moment and you are still telling me that you've never been out of 1 or 2...WHATEVER. Oh and btw, the phases are totally made up if you didn't already know that.

I knew a few people who disagreed with my post and, well, whatever, but when I was cornered by a 'friend' (who does not read this blog) in Target about how she was concerned about my marriage because she'd heard (since someone who does read the blog has been talking about me) that I'd discussed my issues in such a public way.(insert eye-roll and violent gagging here) I was more than a little bit annoyed. Especially since this person has the most fucked up marriage I've ever seen. Thankfully she is praying for me, so everything should improve soon.

It was a JOKE, yes I'm pissed at my husband for some assholish behavior, but I'm not going anywhere. I mean there are days when I dream of replacing him with an efficient landlord (to fix things) and a good vibrator (to, well, you know), but he does posses some redeeming qualities......(I'll cite examples when I can think of some)

When I am 34 (next year) I will have been with him for exactly half of my life, so yeah, shit hits the fan occasionally. I don't really think that means I need to be on your prayer list.

As far as discussing my issues here...check out the title of my blog, did you expect me to talk about rainbows and bunny rabbits?

Monday, July 5, 2010

Out of Context...

We survived our mini-road trip and returned intact.
I thought I'd share some of the conversation that took place during the 'quality time' we spent together in the car, the hotel, the restaurants, my sister's house, etc, etc. Many of them are fart themed, but I do have 3 boys so is there really anything else to talk about?
You'll have to enjoy them without the context in which they were spoken, but that's mostly because further explanation would just highlight the depth of our insanity

1. "I'm a farting expert, just bust it out and come back to the table."

2. "What the hell is a 'dream tomato', Please tell me you didn't think this was a song about vegetables?"

3. "That hair is at least 4 inches away from the hole, WTF is that about???"

4. "Is this what beaver really tastes like?"

5. "I think I should just throw these away, that last fart had a little surprise with it."

6. "There really isn't anything I can do about your penis right this minute."

7."I will play the wiener song if you stay quiet while I'm on the phone."

8. "All I've eaten for 3 days is beans, staying 10 feet away from you isn't going to change anything."

9. "Girls can't wear their underwear 2 days in a row because their balls smell worse than ours."

10. "I don't like girls, I like you Mommy, I just don't like pretty girls"

Saturday, July 3, 2010

If I was going to be a drummer....

This is the one I would be. Watch the video, while you're there check out the rest of the blog. Hopefully I'm on the road by the time this is posted.

Friday, July 2, 2010

In search of the muchness

I have to get out of this place, and as long as the weather cooperates I plan to do just that tomorrow. The boys and I are taking a (way too) short road trip to Austin to see my sister and her family. I really love road trips, even with a car full of boys who fart and fight and request pee stops way too often.
Maybe I'll come back with a few blog worthy stories to tell, or maybe I won't.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

The Marriage Cycle

When I was younger (as in way too young to be making life altering decisions) I could not wait to get married. I couldn't see any reason why being married would be a bad thing, why we wouldn't be able to weather any storm that came our way. Fast forward to live tv and I'm stuck in this 'WTF was I thinking' moment, hour, lifetime.

See I see marriage as a 5 point cycle that goes something like this:

1. I LOVE you and find you amusing.
2. I love you and you're okay to be around.
3. I like you but do not penetrate the 5 foot barrier
4. I tolerate you because divorce is expensive
5. Please, if there is a merciful god, swoop down here and get me OUT!

(the only part of the cycle that can be skipped is number 5, skipping any other point would result in complete annihilation of the human race and leave Earth uninhabitable to mammals, or maybe it would just indicate a need for a few sessions with a marriage and family therapist, whatever)

I've talked to several experts (aka people I know who are married (and authentic)) and they all agree because, well if they didn't agree, I would revoke their 'expert' status.

Finding yourself somewhere in this cycle at any given point in your married life is totally okay as long as you don't stay in one place too long. You must force yourself to move through the cycle, so you can get back to the good parts.

If you are one of those people who believes that you always stay at points 1 and 2 there are a couple things you should know.
1. You are a fucking liar.
2. People think you smell like cheese because, clearly, it oozes from your pores.
3. If you tell me about your marriage, I will not believe you, or I will think you are just too stupid to actually experience the full realm of human emotions, and I will be tempted to simultaneously punch you in the pancreas while ripping out your uvula.

Anyway, I think you might be able to see where I currently am in the marriage cycle. (#5 for the dumb readers) The same stupid fight, over and over and over. I told him I wanted to leave, I even looked for apartments. #1 better be right around the corner, or there may be trouble ahead.

On another note, I get to assist in a research project involving Ipads and the Houston Children's Museum. I'm really excited, maybe I'll blog about it.