When I was in 3rd grade my mom told me I could "be anything (I) wanted to be" and I believed her. I wanted to be a singer, she encouraged it. I stayed up late for 4 nights in a row hand-writing 3 original songs in my blue, wide-ruled spiral notebook. I practiced in front of the mirror, I practiced in front of my mom. I believed I was on my way to the Mickey Mouse club (which is the starting point for all great singers). I just needed an in, MOM suggested Star-Search. Perfect! She was always so full of good suggestions. I made an audition tape to send to Ed, I was ready to go... THEN (dun dun dun duuuuuuun) I listened to the tape......
Mom Fucking lied to me.
I sounded like a tone deaf cat with a hormone imbalance....
I couldn't even listen to the first song in it's entirety.
It was too painful.
What if the doctoral program is the same thing?
What if I'm not really smart enough to be there?
What if I am smart enough, what the hell am I going to do with this gratuitous degree anyway?
I doubt myself, my abilities, my ambition and tenacity.
I need to listen to the tape to gauge my worthiness and chances of success.
I still cannot sing.