Thursday, April 22, 2010

Dear 20 year old me,

I know you think you know everything, and well you are pretty smart, but there are some things that I wish you knew:

* For starters, slow the fuck down, life is not a race. I think in your rush to prove to everyone that you are everything they thought you were, you forgot to live. This is IT, today, right now, if you aren't in it for this moment, then you FAIL.

* Enough with the 5 and 10 year life plans, goals are great to have, but not if they are the only things you have.

* Make mistakes, please please make mistakes and stop worrying about it, life is just more fun that way.

* There is no such thing as THE ONE. There is no love so destined to be that life will crumble if it doesn't work out. Relax it will be what it will be.

* Trust your instincts, they will be right more often than not

* Stop faking orgasms, seriously STOP IT, STUPID.

* Your boobs will NEVER be perfect, just say no to the implant (its gonna pop in like 2 years anyway)

* Motherhood will not come as naturally to you as you are expecting, but that is okay.

* You will get fat, but it won't be the big catastrophe that you're expecting...and your cellulite will still be minimal.

* Learn to recognize when a guy is hitting on you, if you don't you are going to, unwittingly, shut some interested parties out of your life.

* Don't pretend to be someone you're not, it will never make you happy.

* Don't be afraid to acknowledge the people who are holding you back, once you insert some distance there, you are going to learn more about yourself.

* Learn to embrace the awkward silence it will never go away.

* Self-doubt is an enemy that must be terminated.

* Your future step-sister...I know you think she is annoying and a bit delinquent, but she is gonna become one of your best friends...Really, it's true.

* Take pictures, don't be lazy about this or you'll be sorry.

* It will get easier to find shoes in your size, just be patient.

* You will be more comfortable in your own skin as you get older, until then fake the confidence that you are lacking.

* The friendships that you feel like you don't have right now, will come to you once you start to see people for who they really are. People do have so much more to offer than you realize.

* Some people just don't like you because you don't care that they don't like you. It isn't as confusing as you think it is.

* Learn to say those 3 little words..."I don't know"

* There will come a day when bald is the way of the beaver, stay strong...the bush will come back or at least I'm hopeful that it will....

Friday, April 2, 2010

Easter Shmeaster

I know I haven't posted since January. what can I say I am a SLACKER! Well the truth is that I write blog posts all the time and just never hit the "publish" button. I have no explanation for this other than my blogger-superego which warns me not to publish, is far more powerful than my blogger-id which drives what I write.... Maybe there is a pill for that...I dunno.

Anyway, so it is almost Easter and you will be shocked to know that we have never celebrated this holiday in my house. I've gone to my mom's or mother-in-law's for ham (which I don't really eat), but as far as egg hunts I can say that I have NEVER hidden any eggs for my kids. (In the spirit of full disclosure you should know that we have gone to 2 different egg hunts when my oldest was little and my neighbors have hidden eggs in my yard on occasion because they are aghast about my neglectful parenting, but whatever.) There are probably a few reasons for this, not the least of which is the fact that I am an atheist and I have never really been able to over come the hypocrisy of me celebrating such a deeply religious holiday. It should be noted that I am totally ok with the same hypocrisy at X-mas, we all know its been totally secularized, and, well, there are presents involved! Anyhoos, though I am an atheist, I make every effort to encourage my children to explore and develop their own belief systems. I have never told any of them (in as many words) that I don't believe in a "supreme being" because I don't want to prejudice their views on the subject. All that said, when my 6 year old came to me and basically demanded an egg hunt on Easter, I panicked... My first thought was, Holy shit (ah the irony) he's been brainwashed, how the hell (again, irony) am I going to, convincingly, explain the celebration of 'Jesus rising from the dead on the 3rd day' so that he keep an open mind and not feel burdened by my disbelief. I told my teaching partner about my dilemma and she just looked at me like I'd ask her to take a dump in my hand, which, for her, is very unusual. After removing the judgement from her face, she explained to me that it was most probable that he just wanted the candy and not a sermon.......OF COURSE! Sometimes I am an even bigger idiot than should be possible, here I am, sure that I will now be sending the kid off to seminary when all he really wants is a chocolate fix...

Now, that we've settled that, there is a bigger issue on the horizon....

I've eaten at least half the candy that I purchased to put inside the eggs.

Do you think he'll be happy with a few jelly beans and some empty Twix and Reese's wrappers in side his eggs????
I mean, finding the eggs is most of the fun....right?

I will be posting on my resolutions soon (keeping in mind that 'soon' is a relative term)..

Happy Easter?