Tuesday, August 11, 2009


So I started my new job yesterday, somehow I think I didn't exactly make the best first impression, although I'm sure many of my new "friends" aren't likely to forget me.
To give a little back ground, over the last few years I've developed a "nervous stomach" which means that I'm basically a gastronomical bio hazard when I get stressed. On top of that, last Sat. night I drank ENTIRELY too much beer, which often leads to what we so lovingly refer to as "the beer shits"!
So just in case you missed it , Stress=an urgent bad poo, beer=a really bad poo.
I can't say that my first day was stressful, but I guess my colon hadn't gotten the message that everything was gonna be okay. About 2 hours or so into my first training I decided it was a good time to sneak into the restroom to drop a quick deuce (sorry there is just NO WAY to say that politely). Of course my colon took this opportunity to seek its revenge on me for my weekend's overindulgence and what followed was quite possibly the most vile bathroom experience of my life. Lucky for me the instructor decided to call a break time for the entire meeting which led to a crowd control situation in the ladies room. Yes, the room I'd just filled with a dense green fog despite my frenzied attempts at courtesy flushes. I was stuck, everyone saw me leave the meeting and head to the restroom, I knew everyone could smell what I'd been up to. Really I just wanted to die, but with a line forming outside the stalls and no magical cloaking device at the ready, I had no choice but to unlatch the stall door and commence the walk of shame to the sinks. I avoided eye contact at all costs and went to sit back down in the meeting room, only to find out that my section of the training was over and I was free to go home.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

My Ex-New BFF!

So I lied a few posts ago when I said my next post would be about my new best friend (who I met at Walmart). Mostly because I just forgot, see what a good best friend I am?

Anyway..... So I went to Walmart a couple weeks ago, which is something I rarely do because I LOATHE Walmart and anyone who shops there. I can't even remember what compelled me to go there, but whatever. As I walked down one of the aisles this really pretty lady came up to me with the original "Wow three boys!" comment. I gave her my standard, "yep, lucky me" response and planned to move on so I could quickly remove myself from the filth pit some people call a store. She kept talking to me, asking me if I ever sleep, if I'm always tired, how I do it, etc. etc. I'm not one to shy away from someone giving me props for living my daily life so I was being nice. I hadn't found her annoying yet.
At one point I began to wonder if this is how people make friends. I probably should give a little background in my social abilities....I have none. I have literally never made a new friend that wasn't someone who wasn't forced to be near me due to some other circumstance, school, work, neighborhood, etc. I occasionally win someone over after they've exhausted all their escape options, but this lady, she was interested in me. I wasn't even trying that hard and she was still talking. Maybe this is what popular people feel like, people just stopping them and asking to be their friend. Yes I could get used to this. I started to engage in a hazy dream sequence about how, 20 years from now, we'd tell our kids how we just bumped into each other at Walmart and had been best friends ever since. But, just as we were skipping through a field of daisies together, my fantasies were rudely interrupted, by my new potential bff.
"So are you married to teaching?"



If she was gonna be my bff she needed to listen a little better and get used to my bitchy sarcasm, "well since, as I told you, I'm about 1/3 of the way through a doctorate in the field, I'd say, yep I'm pretty married to it!"

"Oh, I see, have you ever thought about keeping your options open?"


"Well I've met a lot of teachers who are also looking for a way to make extra money"

"well I'm not exactly a sales person, and the only sales party I'd be willing to have is a Passion party", and that would be for the free dildo's, and really how many dildos can one person have?

"no no that isn't what I meant. I'm in the financial industry and the teachers I've recruited do really well once they are up and going."

I told her I wasn't interested between quite sobs of grief, she didn't want to be my friend, she needed someone below her on the pyramid. She then asked for my cell number and I gave my standard fake number. I thought she was happy enough to leave me alone and I was getting away from her lethal grip, BUT my son, my sweet pain in the ass of a son says,
"Mom, that is not your cell phone number!!!! Its ########." Did you mix up our phone numbers on purpose? Are you trying to trick that lady?"
Now my son and my ex/new bff were just looking at me, one with genuine confusion the other with a bit of annoyance. So, I did what any self respecting loser would do, "Um yeah, I gotta go", and walked away a little faster than necessary, paid for my stuff and made sure no one followed me to the car.
I guess my old friends are stuck with me, all two of them.