Friday, September 16, 2011

The "T" word.

I'm not sure if blogging about this is the right thing to do, but writing is how I process my thoughts and feelings, so read if you want and judge if it makes you feel better. This is real life, not some sugar coated version of things that I am hoping to remember later. If you can't handle that "X" out and don't come back.

My oldest son has been diagnosed with Tourette's. I won't get into the details, just because it is boring, but I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't devastated. I have cried everyday for over two weeks now (even before he was officially diagnosed, I knew). I want to help him, I want to make it better, I want to be able to crawl into his brain and flip the switch that makes him tic. I can't, and it KILLS me.
Apparently, his is a pretty mild case, but the future is unknown. I have spent many hours reading about Tourette's and though it does seem that once you have it it is there to stay, it also looks like, as you move through adolescence, it gradually gets better, for most people, and the tics become fewer and further between. The version of Tourette's, where people are randomly cursing or yelling out words is actually very rare, a fact I'm finding A LOT of comfort in.
I hate everything about this.
I hate that I know people will read this and be grateful it isn't them and their child. They will go and kiss and hug their tic free kids and thank god for their good fortune. I HATE them for that. If I believed in god I'd be so fucking pissed off at him right now. I don't want prayers or support or pity, I just want to rewind 3 weeks. To go back to the time before he started having all these crazy tics. This is so fucking unfair.
I want to be a rock of support for my child. I want him to feel loved and cherished. I want him to know that he has Tourette's but Tourette's DOES NOT have him. I want him to love himself. I'm so fucking scared that I do not have the right tools to help him deal with this. I am so disappointed in myself for the way I've reacted to the news. Of course, I haven't let him know I'm feeling this way. I am putting on a brave face for him, but he knows me well enough to know I'm sad.
I try to only cry when I am alone. Car rides are the worst, as soon as I get in the car by myself I just go ahead and put on my sunglasses because the tears are inevitable.
I have cried myself to sleep every night, if I wake up to pee, I cry myself to sleep again. I wish I could take his tics and give them to myself. I'm an adult with a solid self esteem, I could give a fuck what people think of me, why does this crap have to happen to a child who is entering the one of the hardest times in his life, junior high?!?!? It is so fucking UNFAIR.

I know I sound angry, I am. I can't release the feelings anywhere else but here on this blog. Feel free to judge my reaction, I really don't give a shit. I am feeling sorry for myself and my son. I'm sure one day I won't, but today is not that day.
I know this isn't the worst thing that could've happened to us, I get that. But that doesn't change the fact that it really, really sucks!