Saturday, January 30, 2010

Don't Drink and Blog

Um, Yeah so I just went out to dinner with my parents and had WAYYYYYYYY too much wine, now I'm home and I have no good way to put this nice buzz to use, so I thought it would be fun to do a drunken blog..though it may be more fun for me to write it than it will be for you to read. (And just for good measure I've opened another beer so sobriety doesn't interfere with my creative process) IS it "wine before beer in the clear" God I hope so!. So without further ado (holy shit there is a word I can't spell is it adu, adew or ado? WTF you get the point) here is a list of random (and unorganized) thoughts that I'd never write if I were sober.....

Don't you hate it when people write "teh" for "the". When I see people do that I automatically assume they are a careless idiot, until of course it is my typo, in which case it is totally forgivable.....Yes, yes I am that big of a judgemental , hypocritical (I had to think for a second if that would be Hippocratic) bitch...

I sneeze when I eat too much, seriously WTF is up with that?

I'm considering starting a petition to eliminate the "insert" button from the computer. I mean really, who makes a mistake that is EXACTLY as many text characters as the word or phrase they originally intended to write???? Yeah see that is what I thought.

I was NEVER meant to live in a world where landing strips and Brazilian waxes were the socially accepted norm....NEVER.

At least 30% of my facebook friends are complete and total douche bags, but I am interested in their drama so I don't "unfriend" them.

I was adopted by my dad (when I was four), he has always been my dad, but my brothers refer to me as their "step sister" and it really really pisses me off.

One time my husband wanted me to see a doctor about my "gas issues." I never did...

When I walk into a room I automatically size people up to see who is smarter than me and who is not, then I try to stay away from the ones who are not.

I had a lap dance at a totally nude club once, she made me smack her ass, it felt dirty (literally). Before that I always assumed I could be bisexual....afterwards I decided....not so much!

It never ceases to amaze me that (some) people of faith can be so judgemental about atheists, I've lost friendships over my "godlessness" even though I am genuinely a good person. For some people in my life a feigned belief in god is better than honesty....WHATEVER!

I hate pictures of kids with food on their faces, it makes me gag. I don't see anything cute about it.

I think I was born without the instinct to want to hold other people's babies....I never do.

The grossest kiss I have ever seen occurred between an unnamed friend and an English guy, in a cemetery in Brighton. (thinking about it just now made me laugh out loud).

The first time I ever saw a penis was in a Playgirl that I found in the children's section of a bookstore. I hid the mag inside a huge book about KoKo the sign-language ape. I think I was truly terrified by what I saw...I was 9!

I had no idea what a vagina was until I snooped through my (ex)(yes I've had more than 1) step-dad's closet, found a video labeled "XXX" and watched it....even more terrifying than the previous thought.

I live in an uber conservative, ball-suck suburb, I totally blame the hubs for that. A mid-town loft is more my style.

I've always wanted to get a doctorate, but I wasn't motivated to start the program until someone I know decided to go for a Master's degree and I knew I could not handle having the same level of education as someone I perceived to be a complete, drooling moron. (on the same note, this person never actually pursued the Master's degree, guess the joke is on me).

The hubs thinks he is getting lucky tonight, but I plan to be asleep before he gets out of the shower......

and that is THAT!

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