Monday, April 22, 2013

The sum of the Parts

Part 1
In an emergency situation, I'm a ROCK STAR. As soon as shit hits the fan, an eerie calm comes over me and I'm able to think logically and rationally while everyone around me is in total meltdown. In times of crisis, I get the sense that everything around me is in slow motion and I'm better able to dodge the bullets coming at me (I'm channeling my inner Neo), but put me in a longterm crisis situation and I start to implode and all areas of my life fall to pieces.  My issue is, that if I can't fix something right away, I can't deal with it. In this scenario, everything around me is moving in slow motion, but I'm passively watching it all turn to shit instead of taking charge and making things right. I can't fix my kid, I can't even find someone to help me fix him, some days I'm not even totally sure what is wrong with him. I'm not coping with this well. Well, I'm not coping with this at all.
Part 2
I have a depressive personality. Some people who know me can not be convinced of this, but if they could see inside my head, there'd be no argument.
I've had episodes of depression, all of which I've refused to be medicated for.
I don't refuse medication because I'm against it.  I refuse it because... I like being depressed.
You read that right, but I should clarify.
I don't wake up in the morning and hope to be depressed that day. I don't want to feel sad and hopeless and otherwise out of commission, but I also can't resist the feeling when it calls for me.
I don't think it's much different than a drug addict's relationship with their drug/s.  You know it's bad, you know life is better without it, but you can't resist indulging in it.
The good news for me is that I've learned to cope with this part of me, and I'm successful enough that most people aren't even aware of the devil sitting on my shoulder, telling me to jump into the abyss.
The bad news is that if my life is in crisis, (which it is right now) I lose all ability to cope with this part of me. This is very bad news.

You do the math:
Part 1 + Part 2 = not muy bueno.

I'm not suicidal, or homicidal or a danger to myself or others, but I am inching ever closer to the edge of a cliff I've jumped off many times before. With each day that passes I lose the will to stop myself. Historically, my kids have been the reason I snap out of it. I don't want to be that mom, but when I talk myself out of it I'm never saying "no, you can't do this".  My internal dialogue is more like "soon enough, you can jump." I do realize this is fucked up in more than a few ways, but the beauty is that I don't care.

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