Monday, July 6, 2009

BIG issues.

If you've been reading you already know that I have issues. One of which is the fact that the diameter of my ass is bigger than I would like. When you combine this with the fact that I am 6' tall it's not a far stretch to use a Mack truck reference as a descriptor of yours truly. My weight, has always been an issue for me, even when I was skinny, but in my years staying home with my kids I have watched my waistline do the inevitable upwards climb. Now that I am going back to work, I'm really trying to get into a smaller size just because no matter how cute the clothes are, there is a certain point that everything starts to look tent-ish.
Tonight I stopped in at the local Big Gals R'us to see if I could get something new to wear for, what I hope is, my final interview tomorrow. Looking over the racks, I found it increasingly difficult to find anything that looked even remotely professional. You should know there are a few hidden, though universal, rules for fat girl clothes.

Rule 1. Big girls have big boobs which should be shown off at all costs. I guess it's the "flaunt what you got philosophy", but seriously, squeezing my boobs together and shoving them in your face is a pathetic way to avert your eyes from my hips.

Rule 2. Ruffles, Sequins, Collars and sleeves, the bigger and more copious the better. I think this may be used for distraction as well, but if you walk in to any fat lady store you cannot avoid all the embellishments all over everything. Its like a pirate ship full of rhinestones exploded in there. Again, I can't always buy into this look, it just makes me feel ridiculous. "Hey you could look at my fat rolls, but not if I can hypnotize you with my sequins and wizard sleeves first!"

Rule 3. Sassy music is a must. This one I find the most offensive, its like some kind of fat girl mind control. I can just imagine the board meeting where the soundtrack, full of upbeat tunes about how I'm better off without your love or how I am the life of the party, was decided upon.
CEO: You know the big girls aren't buying enough, what to do, what to do?
Eager employee # 1: If there was only some way to make them feel like they have control of their lives, since society tells them they are worthless and ugly.hmmmmmmmmm???
Eager employee #2: Oh Oh I know!!!! We need to set the mood with some sassy music, so when they are trying on the clothes they get a false sense of power and a boost in self-esteem.
Eager employee #1: Perfect!!! That way when they are dancing around in all this shit full of sequins and ruffles and over sized collars they won't just feel like ridiculous pirate hookers, they'll feel sexy and confident....

Well I'm not sure if that is exactly how the conversation went, but it seems like it may be in the ballpark!
Needless to say, I left empty handed, because unless the principal, I'm interviewing with, is a big pirate or cleavage fan, I wasn't likley to increase my chances of a job offer. I guess I'm gonna have to buckle down if I'm gonna have more options for work clothes in 5 weeks, until then I'll stick to my 1 professional outfit and my biggest loser dvd's....sigh!


McDowell Family said...

And you only thought you didn't have anything to blog about...I read your posts with a smile on my face because you always have had a way with words, especially the written form.

Good Luck today in your interview. I'm thinking of you and know you will do great!

semison said...

"Wizard sleeves", Jess? You are a gift sent down from Heaven. You just made my month!