Monday, July 27, 2009


As my stay at home mom days come to a rapid close I find myself feeling more and more unsettled. I knew this was coming, but knowing something is going to happen doesn't equal preparation for it. When I am alone (usually in the car) I imagine this new sense of empowerment I am going to feel when I get to explore this whole other side of me, professional working me, and I really start to look forward to it. Other times something as small as a sigh from my two year sets me off and I think I am making the worst mistake imaginable. I know everyone will be okay, I know this will be good for me and subsequently for my family, but getting from here to there is torture. I keep waiting for a new version of myself to emerge, the person I always assumed I'd become once I was no longer mostly just a mom who does a few other things. The thing that ends up feeling the most shocking is that I'm not starting to feel different, I'm not starting to feel like less of a mom. I'm starting to feel like more of myself, which is something I didn't realize I was missing. I know how cliche it sounds, but it really is how I'm feeling. No I haven't completely lost myself, but when all your days are spent as only the caretaker for your children, squelching some of the "me-ness" is a survival tactic. Otherwise the more mundane aspects of motherhood would be too much to deal with. I do know that I will miss some of the good stuff, but I'm not delusional enough to believe that I haven't been missing some of it all along. I'm just not good with major life changes, they usually send me into a mild (at least) depression, but I am determined not to let that happen this time. I'm fighting the urge to stay in the cocoon of my bed until the day I leave to go to work for the first time. In some moments it really is overwhelming...
I'm just taking each day as it comes, and really just trying to soak the rest of it all in!

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