Well don't tell anybody but, apparently, allegedly (well not really allegedly since I have proof, but WHATEVER), I have started snoring....No big deal right????? WRONG. It totally grosses me out and embarrasses me (in front of whom I dunno). There are SOOOOOOOOOO many other things I'd rather do in my sleep like fart or masturbate or cluck like a freakin chicken, but snoring is for fat old guys with hair in their ears and socks that hit at mid-calf.
I know it's because of the fatness, its true, snoring is a symptom of being overweight. I would put a link here to prove it to, but you can google it yourself.....
Everyday I wake up and ask the hubs if I snored and the answer is always yes.
Some days I don't even have to ask because I remember several occasions of being poked or prodded to stop the offense.
Some nights when the hubs is not here, I record myself on my trusty iPhone to see if I engaged in this disgusting habit (I guess it isn't really a habit). Talk about gross and creepy, listen to a recording of yourself making a throat curdling, guttural sound while you were unconscious and see if you don't want to poke sharp things up your nose and slap yourself in the face. YUCK.
On the bright side, I have been sticking to an exercise plan ever since the snoring became a nightly event. My ass has been huge for a decade, my double chin has hung around for at least that long too, I've been shopping at the big girl store for 8 years, but none of that has motivated me to stick with any sort of weight loss program. Snoring, on the other hand, now I can't live with that. I'm obsessed to the point of insomnia. I'm typing this at 1:08 am because I can't sleep because I keep trying to catch myself in the act because snoring is so disgusting and vile and I refuse to participate. (so its a run-on, deal).
We'll see if I can nip this little problem in the bud, but until then I'll just engage in more self loathing over involuntary behaviors.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
I thought about you today
I thought about you today
for a moment I couldn't remember if you were ever really here.
I HATE that I can't begin to comprehend the world with you in it
would the pillows be as soft
would the thunder be as loud
would I smile more or less
if things had been different?
Thinking about you feels like a betrayal to a boy
the one who sleeps in the room that would have been yours
Not thinking of you feels like a betrayal
only to me...
I give you my sadness
my loss of control
you taught me surrender and how to let go
so now all the things that should hurt me just fall to the floor
I draw strength from knowing that I survived you, BUT
it feels convoluted because you were never here
it has been four years
I still lose my breath when you creep up from the back of my mind
everyday you slip through the tiniest of cracks
it isn't fair
I can't change anything
I can't make you go away
No amount of anything will change the outcome
I can't hold you
or watch you play sports
or kiss your cheek while you sleep
I can't even talk about you out loud
all I can do is remember all the things you'll never be
and what I'll never be for you
and that doesn't seem fair
but I thought you should know that
I thought about you today
for a moment I couldn't remember if you were ever really here.
I HATE that I can't begin to comprehend the world with you in it
would the pillows be as soft
would the thunder be as loud
would I smile more or less
if things had been different?
Thinking about you feels like a betrayal to a boy
the one who sleeps in the room that would have been yours
Not thinking of you feels like a betrayal
only to me...
I give you my sadness
my loss of control
you taught me surrender and how to let go
so now all the things that should hurt me just fall to the floor
I draw strength from knowing that I survived you, BUT
it feels convoluted because you were never here
it has been four years
I still lose my breath when you creep up from the back of my mind
everyday you slip through the tiniest of cracks
it isn't fair
I can't change anything
I can't make you go away
No amount of anything will change the outcome
I can't hold you
or watch you play sports
or kiss your cheek while you sleep
I can't even talk about you out loud
all I can do is remember all the things you'll never be
and what I'll never be for you
and that doesn't seem fair
but I thought you should know that
I thought about you today
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Top 7 Reasons why this weekend sucked balls...
I'm only doing 7 because 10 just feels whiny and a bit overdone....
7) Prolonged and in depth conversations about mushroom stamps. (I'm not even gonna link to the definition of this, google it for yourself)
6) 2 hours of sleep on Sat. night....bleh
5). A big party, that I'd even secured childcare to attend and I didn't feel well enough to drink or enjoy myself at all.
4) My newly neutered dog is having a ball sac problem, for which I am now taking 1/2 a day off work to find out how serious it is or isn't...(this will probably be it's own post soon, stay tuned)
3) My PC is dying a slow and painful death....
2) Drama, damaged relationships, and scared children...This WILL be its own post once I wrap my head around it.
1) Possibly, worst of all...My dumb ass DVR hasn't been recording any of my shows and I just figured it out Sat. night (see #6)
I know one day I'll be happy to have problems as simple and easily repaired as these, but for now....this weekend can SUCK IT.
7) Prolonged and in depth conversations about mushroom stamps. (I'm not even gonna link to the definition of this, google it for yourself)
6) 2 hours of sleep on Sat. night....bleh
5). A big party, that I'd even secured childcare to attend and I didn't feel well enough to drink or enjoy myself at all.
4) My newly neutered dog is having a ball sac problem, for which I am now taking 1/2 a day off work to find out how serious it is or isn't...(this will probably be it's own post soon, stay tuned)
3) My PC is dying a slow and painful death....
2) Drama, damaged relationships, and scared children...This WILL be its own post once I wrap my head around it.
1) Possibly, worst of all...My dumb ass DVR hasn't been recording any of my shows and I just figured it out Sat. night (see #6)
I know one day I'll be happy to have problems as simple and easily repaired as these, but for now....this weekend can SUCK IT.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Dear 20 year old me,
I know you think you know everything, and well you are pretty smart, but there are some things that I wish you knew:
* For starters, slow the fuck down, life is not a race. I think in your rush to prove to everyone that you are everything they thought you were, you forgot to live. This is IT, today, right now, if you aren't in it for this moment, then you FAIL.
* Enough with the 5 and 10 year life plans, goals are great to have, but not if they are the only things you have.
* Make mistakes, please please make mistakes and stop worrying about it, life is just more fun that way.
* There is no such thing as THE ONE. There is no love so destined to be that life will crumble if it doesn't work out. Relax it will be what it will be.
* Trust your instincts, they will be right more often than not
* Stop faking orgasms, seriously STOP IT, STUPID.
* Your boobs will NEVER be perfect, just say no to the implant (its gonna pop in like 2 years anyway)
* Motherhood will not come as naturally to you as you are expecting, but that is okay.
* You will get fat, but it won't be the big catastrophe that you're expecting...and your cellulite will still be minimal.
* Learn to recognize when a guy is hitting on you, if you don't you are going to, unwittingly, shut some interested parties out of your life.
* Don't pretend to be someone you're not, it will never make you happy.
* Don't be afraid to acknowledge the people who are holding you back, once you insert some distance there, you are going to learn more about yourself.
* Learn to embrace the awkward silence it will never go away.
* Self-doubt is an enemy that must be terminated.
* Your future step-sister...I know you think she is annoying and a bit delinquent, but she is gonna become one of your best friends...Really, it's true.
* Take pictures, don't be lazy about this or you'll be sorry.
* It will get easier to find shoes in your size, just be patient.
* You will be more comfortable in your own skin as you get older, until then fake the confidence that you are lacking.
* The friendships that you feel like you don't have right now, will come to you once you start to see people for who they really are. People do have so much more to offer than you realize.
* Some people just don't like you because you don't care that they don't like you. It isn't as confusing as you think it is.
* Learn to say those 3 little words..."I don't know"
* There will come a day when bald is the way of the beaver, stay strong...the bush will come back or at least I'm hopeful that it will....
* For starters, slow the fuck down, life is not a race. I think in your rush to prove to everyone that you are everything they thought you were, you forgot to live. This is IT, today, right now, if you aren't in it for this moment, then you FAIL.
* Enough with the 5 and 10 year life plans, goals are great to have, but not if they are the only things you have.
* Make mistakes, please please make mistakes and stop worrying about it, life is just more fun that way.
* There is no such thing as THE ONE. There is no love so destined to be that life will crumble if it doesn't work out. Relax it will be what it will be.
* Trust your instincts, they will be right more often than not
* Stop faking orgasms, seriously STOP IT, STUPID.
* Your boobs will NEVER be perfect, just say no to the implant (its gonna pop in like 2 years anyway)
* Motherhood will not come as naturally to you as you are expecting, but that is okay.
* You will get fat, but it won't be the big catastrophe that you're expecting...and your cellulite will still be minimal.
* Learn to recognize when a guy is hitting on you, if you don't you are going to, unwittingly, shut some interested parties out of your life.
* Don't pretend to be someone you're not, it will never make you happy.
* Don't be afraid to acknowledge the people who are holding you back, once you insert some distance there, you are going to learn more about yourself.
* Learn to embrace the awkward silence it will never go away.
* Self-doubt is an enemy that must be terminated.
* Your future step-sister...I know you think she is annoying and a bit delinquent, but she is gonna become one of your best friends...Really, it's true.
* Take pictures, don't be lazy about this or you'll be sorry.
* It will get easier to find shoes in your size, just be patient.
* You will be more comfortable in your own skin as you get older, until then fake the confidence that you are lacking.
* The friendships that you feel like you don't have right now, will come to you once you start to see people for who they really are. People do have so much more to offer than you realize.
* Some people just don't like you because you don't care that they don't like you. It isn't as confusing as you think it is.
* Learn to say those 3 little words..."I don't know"
* There will come a day when bald is the way of the beaver, stay strong...the bush will come back or at least I'm hopeful that it will....
Friday, April 2, 2010
Easter Shmeaster
I know I haven't posted since January. what can I say I am a SLACKER! Well the truth is that I write blog posts all the time and just never hit the "publish" button. I have no explanation for this other than my blogger-superego which warns me not to publish, is far more powerful than my blogger-id which drives what I write.... Maybe there is a pill for that...I dunno.
Anyway, so it is almost Easter and you will be shocked to know that we have never celebrated this holiday in my house. I've gone to my mom's or mother-in-law's for ham (which I don't really eat), but as far as egg hunts I can say that I have NEVER hidden any eggs for my kids. (In the spirit of full disclosure you should know that we have gone to 2 different egg hunts when my oldest was little and my neighbors have hidden eggs in my yard on occasion because they are aghast about my neglectful parenting, but whatever.) There are probably a few reasons for this, not the least of which is the fact that I am an atheist and I have never really been able to over come the hypocrisy of me celebrating such a deeply religious holiday. It should be noted that I am totally ok with the same hypocrisy at X-mas, we all know its been totally secularized, and, well, there are presents involved! Anyhoos, though I am an atheist, I make every effort to encourage my children to explore and develop their own belief systems. I have never told any of them (in as many words) that I don't believe in a "supreme being" because I don't want to prejudice their views on the subject. All that said, when my 6 year old came to me and basically demanded an egg hunt on Easter, I panicked... My first thought was, Holy shit (ah the irony) he's been brainwashed, how the hell (again, irony) am I going to, convincingly, explain the celebration of 'Jesus rising from the dead on the 3rd day' so that he keep an open mind and not feel burdened by my disbelief. I told my teaching partner about my dilemma and she just looked at me like I'd ask her to take a dump in my hand, which, for her, is very unusual. After removing the judgement from her face, she explained to me that it was most probable that he just wanted the candy and not a sermon.......OF COURSE! Sometimes I am an even bigger idiot than should be possible, here I am, sure that I will now be sending the kid off to seminary when all he really wants is a chocolate fix...
Now, that we've settled that, there is a bigger issue on the horizon....
I've eaten at least half the candy that I purchased to put inside the eggs.
Do you think he'll be happy with a few jelly beans and some empty Twix and Reese's wrappers in side his eggs????
I mean, finding the eggs is most of the fun....right?
I will be posting on my resolutions soon (keeping in mind that 'soon' is a relative term)..
Happy Easter?
Anyway, so it is almost Easter and you will be shocked to know that we have never celebrated this holiday in my house. I've gone to my mom's or mother-in-law's for ham (which I don't really eat), but as far as egg hunts I can say that I have NEVER hidden any eggs for my kids. (In the spirit of full disclosure you should know that we have gone to 2 different egg hunts when my oldest was little and my neighbors have hidden eggs in my yard on occasion because they are aghast about my neglectful parenting, but whatever.) There are probably a few reasons for this, not the least of which is the fact that I am an atheist and I have never really been able to over come the hypocrisy of me celebrating such a deeply religious holiday. It should be noted that I am totally ok with the same hypocrisy at X-mas, we all know its been totally secularized, and, well, there are presents involved! Anyhoos, though I am an atheist, I make every effort to encourage my children to explore and develop their own belief systems. I have never told any of them (in as many words) that I don't believe in a "supreme being" because I don't want to prejudice their views on the subject. All that said, when my 6 year old came to me and basically demanded an egg hunt on Easter, I panicked... My first thought was, Holy shit (ah the irony) he's been brainwashed, how the hell (again, irony) am I going to, convincingly, explain the celebration of 'Jesus rising from the dead on the 3rd day' so that he keep an open mind and not feel burdened by my disbelief. I told my teaching partner about my dilemma and she just looked at me like I'd ask her to take a dump in my hand, which, for her, is very unusual. After removing the judgement from her face, she explained to me that it was most probable that he just wanted the candy and not a sermon.......OF COURSE! Sometimes I am an even bigger idiot than should be possible, here I am, sure that I will now be sending the kid off to seminary when all he really wants is a chocolate fix...
Now, that we've settled that, there is a bigger issue on the horizon....
I've eaten at least half the candy that I purchased to put inside the eggs.
Do you think he'll be happy with a few jelly beans and some empty Twix and Reese's wrappers in side his eggs????
I mean, finding the eggs is most of the fun....right?
I will be posting on my resolutions soon (keeping in mind that 'soon' is a relative term)..
Happy Easter?
Sunday, January 31, 2010
$1162.89
That is how much money we spent going out to eat last month....
I'm literally sickened by this.
I can't even think about all the, healthier, more responsible things we could have done with that money...
We don't have the kind of income that supports that much gluttony.....
Restaurants are tasty little dens of pure evil!
The culture in this house is about to get shocked!!!!!!!!!
I'm literally sickened by this.
I can't even think about all the, healthier, more responsible things we could have done with that money...
We don't have the kind of income that supports that much gluttony.....
Restaurants are tasty little dens of pure evil!
The culture in this house is about to get shocked!!!!!!!!!
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Don't Drink and Blog
Um, Yeah so I just went out to dinner with my parents and had WAYYYYYYYY too much wine, now I'm home and I have no good way to put this nice buzz to use, so I thought it would be fun to do a drunken blog..though it may be more fun for me to write it than it will be for you to read. (And just for good measure I've opened another beer so sobriety doesn't interfere with my creative process) IS it "wine before beer in the clear" God I hope so!. So without further ado (holy shit there is a word I can't spell is it adu, adew or ado? WTF you get the point) here is a list of random (and unorganized) thoughts that I'd never write if I were sober.....
Don't you hate it when people write "teh" for "the". When I see people do that I automatically assume they are a careless idiot, until of course it is my typo, in which case it is totally forgivable.....Yes, yes I am that big of a judgemental , hypocritical (I had to think for a second if that would be Hippocratic) bitch...
I sneeze when I eat too much, seriously WTF is up with that?
I'm considering starting a petition to eliminate the "insert" button from the computer. I mean really, who makes a mistake that is EXACTLY as many text characters as the word or phrase they originally intended to write???? Yeah see that is what I thought.
I was NEVER meant to live in a world where landing strips and Brazilian waxes were the socially accepted norm....NEVER.
At least 30% of my facebook friends are complete and total douche bags, but I am interested in their drama so I don't "unfriend" them.
I was adopted by my dad (when I was four), he has always been my dad, but my brothers refer to me as their "step sister" and it really really pisses me off.
One time my husband wanted me to see a doctor about my "gas issues." I never did...
When I walk into a room I automatically size people up to see who is smarter than me and who is not, then I try to stay away from the ones who are not.
I had a lap dance at a totally nude club once, she made me smack her ass, it felt dirty (literally). Before that I always assumed I could be bisexual....afterwards I decided....not so much!
It never ceases to amaze me that (some) people of faith can be so judgemental about atheists, I've lost friendships over my "godlessness" even though I am genuinely a good person. For some people in my life a feigned belief in god is better than honesty....WHATEVER!
I hate pictures of kids with food on their faces, it makes me gag. I don't see anything cute about it.
I think I was born without the instinct to want to hold other people's babies....I never do.
The grossest kiss I have ever seen occurred between an unnamed friend and an English guy, in a cemetery in Brighton. (thinking about it just now made me laugh out loud).
The first time I ever saw a penis was in a Playgirl that I found in the children's section of a bookstore. I hid the mag inside a huge book about KoKo the sign-language ape. I think I was truly terrified by what I saw...I was 9!
I had no idea what a vagina was until I snooped through my (ex)(yes I've had more than 1) step-dad's closet, found a video labeled "XXX" and watched it....even more terrifying than the previous thought.
I live in an uber conservative, ball-suck suburb, I totally blame the hubs for that. A mid-town loft is more my style.
I've always wanted to get a doctorate, but I wasn't motivated to start the program until someone I know decided to go for a Master's degree and I knew I could not handle having the same level of education as someone I perceived to be a complete, drooling moron. (on the same note, this person never actually pursued the Master's degree, guess the joke is on me).
The hubs thinks he is getting lucky tonight, but I plan to be asleep before he gets out of the shower......
and that is THAT!
Don't you hate it when people write "teh" for "the". When I see people do that I automatically assume they are a careless idiot, until of course it is my typo, in which case it is totally forgivable.....Yes, yes I am that big of a judgemental , hypocritical (I had to think for a second if that would be Hippocratic) bitch...
I sneeze when I eat too much, seriously WTF is up with that?
I'm considering starting a petition to eliminate the "insert" button from the computer. I mean really, who makes a mistake that is EXACTLY as many text characters as the word or phrase they originally intended to write???? Yeah see that is what I thought.
I was NEVER meant to live in a world where landing strips and Brazilian waxes were the socially accepted norm....NEVER.
At least 30% of my facebook friends are complete and total douche bags, but I am interested in their drama so I don't "unfriend" them.
I was adopted by my dad (when I was four), he has always been my dad, but my brothers refer to me as their "step sister" and it really really pisses me off.
One time my husband wanted me to see a doctor about my "gas issues." I never did...
When I walk into a room I automatically size people up to see who is smarter than me and who is not, then I try to stay away from the ones who are not.
I had a lap dance at a totally nude club once, she made me smack her ass, it felt dirty (literally). Before that I always assumed I could be bisexual....afterwards I decided....not so much!
It never ceases to amaze me that (some) people of faith can be so judgemental about atheists, I've lost friendships over my "godlessness" even though I am genuinely a good person. For some people in my life a feigned belief in god is better than honesty....WHATEVER!
I hate pictures of kids with food on their faces, it makes me gag. I don't see anything cute about it.
I think I was born without the instinct to want to hold other people's babies....I never do.
The grossest kiss I have ever seen occurred between an unnamed friend and an English guy, in a cemetery in Brighton. (thinking about it just now made me laugh out loud).
The first time I ever saw a penis was in a Playgirl that I found in the children's section of a bookstore. I hid the mag inside a huge book about KoKo the sign-language ape. I think I was truly terrified by what I saw...I was 9!
I had no idea what a vagina was until I snooped through my (ex)(yes I've had more than 1) step-dad's closet, found a video labeled "XXX" and watched it....even more terrifying than the previous thought.
I live in an uber conservative, ball-suck suburb, I totally blame the hubs for that. A mid-town loft is more my style.
I've always wanted to get a doctorate, but I wasn't motivated to start the program until someone I know decided to go for a Master's degree and I knew I could not handle having the same level of education as someone I perceived to be a complete, drooling moron. (on the same note, this person never actually pursued the Master's degree, guess the joke is on me).
The hubs thinks he is getting lucky tonight, but I plan to be asleep before he gets out of the shower......
and that is THAT!
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