Thursday, February 5, 2009

Sometimes it just sucks!

I found out last night that the only way I can use the degree that I am working on right now is to be able to move away from Houston. I'm totally fine moving away from here, I like Houston, I've lived here all my life, but I don't feel any need to stay, especially since the chance to do what I want to do with my life exists elsewhere. The problem is this little thing that I call my family. For starters, my husband never wants to leave, he has his dream job here, he wants to work there forever. Honestly, he can't make near the money anywhere else. His skills aren't marketable anywhere but here. He loves this craphole house that I only agreed to buy because he promised we'd redo most of the bottom floor. He wants to retire here, in this ignorant armpit of a town, that I can hardly tolerate even on good days. Ick, ick ick. Then there are the kids, who I think would be able to survive a move even if they are in elementary school. I'd rather have kids that understand how big the world is, that know that we can exist outside of this place. Because of the kids I really really want to find a solution that will keep our family together, but it seems that it is a choice between who gets to be happy, who gets the life they want. Do we move so I can chase the career I want or do we stay so the hub can have the career he wants??? Who wins?
I am getting way ahead of myself since I have a few years before I will be done with school, and in the mean time I am hoping to come up with some sort of niche for myself here in Houston, but it is iffy at best. Then there is the issue of how I can even finish my degree with the lack of decent childcare where we are. Even the 'best' daycare here is only adequate, in my opinion. I have found a few good places but they are all out of my way by at least 20 minutes. Then there is the issue of dealing with the shift work schedule, coaching a little league team (not me, him), and being cub scout den leaders (both of us). Somewhere in there I am supposed to find time to study, attend class, write publishable articles, present at conferences, participate in some sort of assistantship, get all the household crap done (this one is, admittedly, with some help), exercise, maintain relationships, and be a mom to my kids ,all without completely losing my freaking mind.
I'm trying to be more productive, to make use of my time in an efficient manner, but there just isn't enough time in the day. I feel like I may explode.
The real kicker is that none of this even really matters. My kids are healthy, my husband is a great companion and he loves me to a fault, and we are living a comfortable lifestyle in a time that is very hard for so many people. I just can't find the happy place between, keeping it all in perspective and getting absolutely nothing accomplished.
I'm drowning.

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